Diary of a 30-year-old woman living alone 2

As far as I can remember, my mother has never worn a leather jacket. But when she was in her early 20s, she and her good friend Yan'er saved up money to buy a pair of red leather pants. Aunt Yan’er was a woman I admired very much when I was a child. Every time she came to our house as a guest, she would light a cigarette. I sat on the ponytail and watched Aunt Yan’er from a distance in the corner. This woman is so cool.

Before I was four years old, I basically grew up on the street of my grandfather. It was on this street that my mother became best friends with Aunt Yan'er. Both of them finished middle school and started to take over the jobs arranged by the family. My mother took over my grandfather's job and worked in a state-owned department store. Although Aunt Yan'er doesn't work in a department store, she lives on the same street, so she plays with my mother almost every day. I don't know how young women at that time let off steam.

But within a few days, all the young women were introduced, and my mother was one of them. The first time I came to my mother-in-law’s house, my mother wore the red leather pants that she saved money to buy. My future grandma scolded me as soon as we met, saying that these are not serious clothes, and how can a decent woman wear such clothes. The unscrupulous red leather pants just disappeared, along with my mother's youthful youth.

Not long after we got married, the unit my mother was assigned to closed down due to the reform of state-owned enterprises. She had no choice but to choose a repatriation fee of 70,000 yuan. Since then, while taking care of my family and me, my mother has worked everywhere, making dumplings, selling clothes, setting up street stalls, cleaning hotels, and taking care of the elderly. After more than 20 years of precariousness, I finally retired a few years ago.

After more than twenty years, I have never seen that pair of red leather pants, nor have I seen Aunt Yan'er again.

The story of the above red leather pants was told to me in a bar when my mother and I were traveling in Shanghai last time. That was the first time my mom had a cocktail, in the wee hours of the morning, without rushing home. My mother also told me that when I was young, I watched "Love in Lushan Mountain" with Aunt Yan'er, and saw the heroine in the movie wearing chiffon clothes. When running on the mountain, the chiffon skirt fluttered with the wind. Very envious. At that time, everyone was wearing coarse clothes, wouldn't you be envious?

I was born in 1991, caught up with China's reform and opening up, and I was born in the age when I could wear chiffon. Because of the one-child system, I am very fortunate that no older brother or younger brother will compete with me for educational resources, so through my own efforts, I was admitted to a key city, and I have been attending boarding schools since high school. I have been living away from home for 15 years now, and it has taken up half of my life.

In the past few years when I lived alone, I often compared my life with my mother's life, and I always wanted my mother to live a more self-contained and free-spirited life. But she couldn't do it, I was anxious on the phone, and I even cried secretly. My attitude of hating iron and steel was changed in that bar in Shanghai. If my mother’s generation is arranged by others from birth to marriage and family, how does she face the sudden increase in “freedom” after retirement? Woolen cloth?

What's more, my mother and Aunt Yan'er bought the pair of red leather pants after saving for several months, and they were snatched away by her mother-in-law just like that. For her now, are these red leather pants freedom or pain? Who wants to rub salt in their old wounds?

(Originally published at: https://www.douban.com/note/796667875/)