Vagina | When Sex Isn't the Only Purpose

For the first time in my life, I went to the hospital for an anonymous HIV screening . A few years after the sexual assault incident, I happened to see the government's "AIDS Prevention and Screening" promotion. The singer 9m88 also cooperated with the Taiwan AIDS Society and others. , published a work titled " Screening for i "; at that time, I asked a friend to accompany me to the hospital for screening. While waiting for the results to come out, the nurses conducted health education propaganda and matched with quizzes. In fact, it is very tormenting, because if it is positive, I am worried that long-term medication control will be required in the future; however, it was also through that experience that I learned that if you are infected with HIV, the virus will progress from the virus to AIDS (AIDS) and symptoms will occur. The invisible period (latency period) may be as long as 10 to 12 years .

After high-risk sex, women with a uterus usually intuitively think of "unintended pregnancy" and do not realize that they may have been exposed to the risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STD) ; and the sex education I received in the past, Only the promotion of "safe sex" for HIV/AIDS prevention -- that is, the use of condoms throughout the process; but " what can I do after high-risk sex? " There is not much description, and it can even be said to be zero.

After that safe screening, the apparent calm lasted for a while, until some huge stressful event happened and I started dating. The first date was not safe sex, so a close friend at the time strongly suggested that I get screened.

When I went to the hospital, because it was a few days after sex, I was still in the window period of virus infection (the test result during the window period may be false negative, and the maximum window period may be 12 weeks ), but I asked the nurse for details. After the situation, she suggested that I register as soon as possible to see a doctor and ask an infectious disease doctor to prescribe PEP ( preventive administration "after" HIV exposure ) to me. The drug is still out-of-pocket and is very expensive.

At that time, whether I heard the risk of infection assessed by the doctor, the high cost, or even the self-blame in my heart, I was in a very chaotic state; but luckily, the nurse caught me in a timely manner, Even after the first meeting, she gave me my personal contact information. She said that it is more convenient. If there is a need for re-screening later, you can contact her directly.

In the process of taking PEP for a month, accompanied by side effects such as fatigue and nausea, I thought it was impossible to let myself fall into this situation again, but the mental illness still caused me to start unequal emotions soon after. / body relationship, even hurting myself in the process without knowing it.

In my article "Vagina | An "Experiment" Caused by Pain , I wrote:

"Look, on Tinder I can pick guys, and dating gives me back my sexual autonomy. I have the right to decide who I'm going to have sex with, and it's not forced like it was."

I used to think that through "sexual autonomy" I would be empowered to return to dominance in my physical relationships; at first, this was also reflected in my experience with Tinder; for example, I could choose to put a few pictures in my profile that matched the "male gaze" After that, as long as the conversation involves talking about sex-related topics, it's usually easy to "follow my thoughts" and develop into a physical relationship; to me.

In the process, I used "sexual pleasure" as an indicator, if I can get pleasure or orgasm, then the purpose is (seemingly) achieved; however, I neglected a very important variable at the time - emotional connection .

I overestimated my actual performance in "sex separation", and my fragile physical and mental state made me lose the ability to refuse when I encountered an uncomfortable situation, and let it be at the mercy; even to a certain extent, at that time, I He also seems to be holding a "destruction" mood without knowing it, thinking that as long as the moment is happy, what's wrong with it?

The current me, of course, is "happy"; those emotional exchanges are all real, those daily accumulated words and concerns have "saved" me from the dark abyss, making my brain temporarily stop thinking "how to end life" and turn all attention to a specific person. The process has a "redemptive" light, and the light is an illusion, the close-up is like a thousand white maggots wriggling in the wound - I have to take the morning-after pill again and again, and after high-risk sex On the tenth day, I took a pregnancy test with an uneasy mood.

Every time I walked into the pharmacy and said to the counter staff, "I want to buy a morning-after pill," she, the "she" next to the female character, always had a worried look on her face, "Do you need help?" I was told again and again that the contraceptive pill has very strong side effects and should be avoided as much as possible.

My responses like this always start with a strong self-blame, but soon, "numbness" and "indifferent" take their place. In addition to the physical pain and discomfort, it took more than half a year for the menstrual period to return to a stable cycle (without a stable menstrual cycle, pre-contraceptive pills are difficult to play a contraceptive effect). At the same time, this also means that I have to go to find it again. Nursing therapists conduct AIDS screening; and the mood is even worse for a while. It wasn't until after I left that relationship that I made the decision to seek professional help—with my current counselor.

Does it sound like you're joking about your life?

Looking back now, it was obviously a very dark time, but now I think that relationship is a relief and a redemption.

The counselor used "substance abuse" (drug use) as a metaphor for my dating days; the passion of intercourse is fascinating, but when the other person makes unreasonable demands, I can't judge the situation or even take care of my own health. When I speak out about my rights and interests, and say I don’t refuse, it seems to throw me back to the original sexual assault scene; all the negative emotions and images in my mind will come up in a more violent manner and erode me.

I contacted a friend who is also a "survivor" a while ago. When describing the emotional/physical relationship to me after the incident, she used the word " long crooked " to describe her, and said that she had a period of time when she would be quick in the relationship. Want to develop the physical part. My friend's experience almost matches mine; I have actually discussed this with a counselor, but my response to the counselor was, "Because I wanted to make sure that this person would not be sexually abusive. I'm disappointed, I mean, I want to make sure he's not going to hurt me."

The counselor looked at me helplessly and said, "I can understand, but aren't you just a moth to a flame?"

So, after it grows crooked, how will it grow back? Especially when the degree of crookedness has reached a certain rigid state.

What I can do at the moment is to break it back in a very extreme way - don't develop any heterosexual relationships, and slowly find the pieces of the puzzle that are still missing in the pattern through counseling.

I hope I can go on steadily.

later

The beginning of this year was the last time I went to a nurse for an anonymous HIV screening, and in a way I felt like a familiar face to her, so while I was waiting for the results, I was chatting , revealed that she had mental health problems, her expression changed slightly after listening to this, and told me that there were actually a few people who "frequently" went to her for screening and had similar situations; and not long before me, I also had There was a woman who was date raped and went to her for screening (the client has called the police).

After listening to it, my mood is very mixed.

(takes a deep breath)

May we all develop the "power to say no".

Finally, I would like to share with the Ministry of Health and Welfare's " PrEP Program Service " ( a popular version ), one of the public subsidies in 2022, one of which is applicable to Chinese people under the age of 35. For physiological women, 30 medicines can be subsidized per month. . PrEP is " pre-exposure prophylactic administration of HIV ", if you/you need it, please consult your local public-funded partner hospital.