Depression is always worse than expected

I call the time when my depression attacks the "depression period", because when it comes, it always lasts for a long time. I can't control how long it wants to stay. During that time, I was I hate the most.

When no one asks, I will vaguely say that May, July, August, and December are my depression period!

If someone asks me, "When is your depression period?"

I would reply, "I don't know."

Many people must think this is an inexplicable and contradictory answer. How can there be an exact month, but they don't know it, so when is it? ! The way I can explain it is that I pay special attention to these months, because I am sure that my symptoms will definitely occur in these months, and I don't know the answer because, except for these specific months, the "depression period" can happen at any time, For example: me now.

The depression period is not like menstruation, nor is it like spring, summer, autumn and winter. It just came and went so suddenly. I guess it may like Xu Zhimo very much. I came and walked gently, waving my sleeves, without taking away a cloud. However, before it arrives, my body will prompt, but only in the first few minutes of its arrival, there is no extra time to prepare for it.

I would start listening to lyrical songs , I would start not wanting to talk , I would just let it go, as if I didn't belong to this universe.

Started not eating or gobbling down , like those foods that could fill the void in my heart or hunger that would allow me to escape from this shell.

I started watching movies or albums that would make me cry over and over again. Even though those old-fashioned lines and plots have been staged thousands of times, they still made me cry.

Started shutting myself in the room , turning off the lights , leaving only a little decorative chandelier , pretending this was my own planet and no one would bother me.

I started drinking soju and smoking electronic cigarettes , watching the sweet and fruity smoke fill the room, my slightly hot body lying on the cold wooden floor, smelling the rich alcohol and fruity aroma, as if I was immersed in a bottle of In fruit wine.

Start typing, then delete, start drawing, then wipe , and so on until tired, tired, and finally the screen is still blank, the drawing paper becomes just a crumpled blank paper

Begins to hide under the covers or cupboards and fall asleep silently , and stay asleep, like a hibernating polar bear

Begin to refuse to communicate with people, no matter meeting, calling or texting , they are all muted and ignored

My friends always say that I am scary in depression, because my existence has completely disappeared, and it seems to have been erased by the world

They are afraid of my non-existence, even if they use a little way to let them know I'm still there, they just hide

However, I can't promise them, so they can only guess and worry

Every day in the depression period, I would repeatedly tell myself: "You are not good! You are really not good!"

Only in this way can I clearly know that I am not good, very bad, very bad

Only in this way can I let it come to my side, open my arms and hug me tightly

Then, he touched my head and told me, "And me! You'll be fine! Just like every time, you'll be fine!"

Then I'll cry in its arms until I fall asleep

It will only be quietly beside me, not saying a word, just beside me like that

I've forgotten how long it's been with me

Maybe ten years, maybe twenty years or more

But for me at the moment

Although it is not always by my side, it has accompanied me through many difficulties

Fortunately, I know that even if the world turns its back on me, it will still fight alone to protect me

Sorry, I have nothing to give it, the ingredients I feed it are always some nasty junk food

Depression does not always come as I expected, nor will it manifest with my expected symptoms, nor will it disappear within my expectations along with my temper.

However, it can be expected that, at least during the depression period, I am not alone, at least not now.