All about sex

During a bedtime conversation, I accidentally discovered my distorted attitude towards sexuality due to my past experience.

After repeated scrutiny and recalling those moments, the exploration, imagination and curiosity about sexuality were exhausted in the continuous perfunctory and avoidance. Perhaps mixed with confusion and disappointment at the content of my partner's countless dating app messages, they coalesced into a whole new perception: nothing to talk about about sex. At the same time, it slipped in a way full of logical fallacies: trying to communicate and discuss sex with me is incorrect, filthy, and even shameful. I, who cannot cooperate with forced sex, cannot satisfy the desire of the object.

Under the premise that there is no communication, I no longer have any words for this, and I use cold and violent means to repeatedly reject the needs of the object for a long time. I don’t know if it was in the process of such a transfer that at the same time, the trust, grasp and affirmation of this relationship were gradually smoothed out, and the other party’s contribution was regarded as a great gift, and the few peaces in daily life were regarded as happiness. , ignoring that the wall keeps deepening the distance between each other, growing, only the endlessly caught ambiguous information, or the erotic photos that have not been caught.

My own cognition and comprehension ability is not bad. It is also with this talent that after the relationship ends, step by step, he digests emotions, separates topics, and finds peace. But I was amazed to realize that the relationship left such a profound mark when I thought I was healed.

"But how?"

"Why didn't I stand up and defend my ideas in those moments?"

"Maybe at that time, you were already very selfless."

I remember seeing me walking out of hell later. People who are close and delicate around me will say that I have become more spiritual and refreshed. And I'm always curious about how "smoky" I am in your eyes in the past four years?

Usually the first answer I get will be "You look very selfless when you're with him." I'm not sure if I misunderstood something along the way of learning to love someone, and mistaken the unwillingness to face the truth as a change of mind and let the pandering It has become a kind of thoughtfulness and understanding, burying the heavy pain again and again, convincing myself that it doesn't matter, he will never do it again, but he can't figure out that "change has never been related to others".

"As long as you can deceive yourself, those days will continue to live peacefully like this."

People who are very assertive about their interests and hobbies since childhood, but have never thought about what kind of expectations and benchmarks they have for love, partners, and relationships. If they are not careful, they will spend several years and experience thousands of times. Only then did I know what it means not to force, only then did I know what it meant to let go, and finally I knew how to take care of myself.

It's funny how even people who have only met a few times say to me "you look a lot happier now". The deepest impression was when I met An Zi, who I hadn't seen in a few years, at a music festival. During the first acquaintance, I often felt that An Zi also had a wall. I could feel the kindness in her, but I just couldn't really get to know her well. With the completion of her studies, and maybe there are some things that I don't know, she stayed away from the community for about a year and returned to her hometown. She had some important lives to accompany her in her life.

An Zi greeted me as brisk and lively as I remembered, and happily said, "You look so good now!" I was actually surprised at that moment. Even people who don't have deep friendships feel this way about me, and how the transformation of myself that I didn't notice and I can't see has been seen from the eyes of people who have known me.

In the process of this disclosure, there are mixed emotions of dissatisfaction and incomprehension. I really want to accuse someone of your fault, and tell people who know each other what you have done. I almost wrote an article full of hurt. However, writing up the pen so far has drowned out those emotions; the damage caused by the injury cannot be changed, and these memories, which are actively deprived of the physiological mechanism for forgetting the pain, have been silent for a long time, and have grown into a shackle. Fortunately, after a great conversation, there is a This part of me that has been loosened and inevitably becomes myself has the opportunity to be noticed that something is wrong, and I am satisfied.

The next step is just like the time when the relationship just ended, properly use the beautiful talent, once again separate out the topics that have nothing to do with me, and sort it out, that is the best way to treat yourself.

Bless you for wasting my heart, and I hope no one who is brave and honest with yourself will become your destiny.