Remember before immigration (3) Break up

renunciation, which means "to renounce unnecessary things; to give up superfluous things; to break free from attachment to things"

Immigrants inevitably have to throw away a lot of stuff.
There is a lot of storage space at home. When cleaning up, I found that there are so many redundant items.
Luxuriously occupy our precious living space.
The most important thing is the opportunity of immigration, which made me reflect on the fact that there are many redundant and toxic relationships in my life.

Throwing away excess items is easy, it's just a waste of money, and I feel sorry for the earth.
It is difficult to throw away a memorial because it holds so many memories.
It takes a lot of courage to leave the comfort zone to throw away relationships.

But the spirit of renunciation has never been to advocate poverty.
Throw away all the items in the house, delete all the memories, and then cut off contact and go to seclusion in the mountains.

Superfluous items, occupying living space, prevent us from truly enjoying material things.
Superfluous interpersonal relationships take up time and effort, leaving us with no time to face ourselves and the people we cherish.

Find

The matter of immigration seems to have opened Pandora's box and got out of hand.
But there is no sadness and parting, only endless sighs.

Especially because of a very transactional matter, I accidentally opened the door of communication with my sister.
Our genders, personalities and abilities are very different,
But when it comes to childhood experiences, the resonance can't stop:
Countless nights weeping secretly in bed,
Countless demands and blames from parents, words that are worse than swear words, a lot of neglected emotional needs,
Even our emotional illness and the suicide note we wrote are strikingly similar.

When we two brothers and sisters put together the complete puzzle,
It turns out that the effects of childhood are indeed more profound than thought.
I feel like I don't need to be loved and deny myself having an emotional need.
When my sister grows up, she tries to work hard in exchange for love. It seems that only hard work is worthy of being loved.

If it is not for this opportunity, I am afraid that we will not be able to understand and let go of these burdens in our whole life.
Finding the source is only the first step, but at least it makes us feel more at ease and understand that it is not our own problem.
It is not until the age of 30 that people realize that we have grown up with so many things.

Let's talk about the family of origin

Since I was a child, I have asked countless times: "Why is this?", "Why do other people's parents ______?"
When I get older, I will constantly question whether it is my own problem.
Because whether talking with friends or meeting with the resident social worker,
All because there are no surface scars so give up. It's just that I don't communicate well with my parents, it's a small thing.
This is even more profound because I don't know how to cherish the feeling of this "happy family".

As adults, try to understand their difficulties.
But I've never been able to rationalize, or even explain, their behavior (for now, thankfully I can't).
Tried good communication, tantrums, running away from home, prayer, evangelism, etc...
(Because of belief, I just didn't try to lower my head)
But it appears that God also did not intend to save these two men.

By the time I started a family, I tried to be a parent without success.
Later, we adopted a three-colored cat, and getting along with her felt a little bit of the qualities that a father needs.
A cat is a magical creature. In addition to three meals and one night, it also has emotional needs like a two-year-old child.

We are away, and she will act like a spoiled child when we get home.
When wronged, seek comfort.
If ignored, it will be sullen.
After eating, sleeping, and playing enough, I will still ask my parents to pay attention.

It is often heard that "raising a child knows a parent's heart".
We have a cat daughter and know her emotional needs.
However, they raised children and did not .
We keep cats as children and they keep children as animals.

This reminds me of the slogan of preventing cruelty to stray animals in recent years:
"You can not love, but please don't hurt".
This seems to be the voice of our childhood, as long as we don't fall into the trap, we will be satisfied.
The sad thing is that although we come from a healthy family, we are not lacking in money and material.
However, he lowered his demands to the level of the current stray animals,
Yet our parents still didn't reach it.

Why? To put it bluntly, they have no love at all.

I also have to admit that I can't forgive them right now, and probably never will.

It is often said that "if you don't forgive others, you are torturing yourself with the other's mistakes".
But I think: the point is not to forgive, but to let go .
Forgiveness is not the only way to let go of someone,
After all, it would be unfair to our decades of experience to forgive him unilaterally.

Some people just don't deserve to be forgiven.
I can find a way to let it go.

friend

Although you can't rely on your parents at home, you can rely on friends when you go out.
When I was a child, it was common for me to be boycotted and bullied because of my poor social skills.
But fortunately, I still occasionally meet some close friends.

But people have their own aspirations, and when they leave the environment where they have a common experience,
Most of my friends will go further and further because of many life experiences, political opinions, etc.
I used to sigh very much, "Why can't old friends become old friends in the end?"
Then I continued to participate in those groups with ceremonial rites, but I knew in my heart that it was no longer the case.

It will now be understood that this means it is time to leave the relationship.
But it doesn't mean that we should deny the road we have traveled together since then.
Just be grateful for the days we have walked together and move on.

Geographical distance has never been the biggest obstacle to communication.
Friends who can communicate will continue to communicate without fear of jet lag even if they are separated by half the world.
People who can't communicate can turn a blind eye when they sit at the other end of the dinner table.
The farthest distance is always "eating on the same stage and practicing separately".
Recently, with many friends Farewell, I understand very well that "Keep Contact" is not a polite word.

When I was young, I thought it would be great if I could have more friends.
The older you become, the more you feel that time is not enough and your mental energy is limited.
Time and effort should be reserved for yourself and the people you cherish.
Speak to those who are willing to listen, and write to those who resonate.

life is subtraction

The consumerist society strives to inculcate: "As long as I have ______, I will ______." The idea.
So people try to make money to pursue a lot of material, and hoard a lot of items at home.
A lot of dinner appointments fill up the schedule, and even have children to try to fill the void in life.

"Dansheli is not just about cleaning up the house, but a process of self-knowledge."
From cleaning things, I gradually realized that life is subtraction, not addition.

By reducing the number of items at home, we have learned to carefully select truly high-quality home products,
No longer have to buy cheap substitutes because of specials and use them.

We have reduced the number of meaningless meals, and we have learned to cherish the time spent with real friends,
Stop wasting time reluctantly because of the beautiful shadow from now on.

By reducing our attachment to interpersonal relationships, we have learned to cherish ourselves,
Stop tormenting yourself continuously because of the experience from now on.

Immigrants are amazing.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/concentrated-woman-carrying-stack-of-cardboard-boxes-for-relocation-3791617/