Discontinued Diary 1: The first month I left, I felt like a waste

Losing the connection with the society, the beginning of the 30-year-old is so faded💩

After two years of UI design in a foreign business, I mentioned my resignation at the end of October. In the first month after leaving the company, the happiness obtained is less than expected and short-lived. It was only the first week or two that I felt the respite from work, and it got worse after that.

Although I no longer need to join the company, my mind and body are still unable to relax, showing a rigid posture. Planning after troubles and worries about the future are choking me. The master who regularly rehabilitates said that my body is incredibly stiff, like a worker. These are all caused by prolonged sitting.

Faced with the huge amount of time after leaving the job—the eight hours of work—I don't know how to fill it. I draw and write during the day and play ukulele at night. It might be nice to spend the weekend like this, but seven days a week...even if it fills the time, it doesn't fill the emptiness in my heart. Although I worked hard to draw, I couldn't feel the fulfillment of the work. The things that are produced cannot get substantial feedback and can be converted into energy to continue to survive. I feel like a worthless person.

The insecurity in my heart made me unable to sleep peacefully every night. Therefore, the time to sleep is getting later and later, from the original 12.1 o'clock and 2.3 o'clock, until now I close my eyes every day. Of course, getting up later and later, falling into a vicious circle. The freedom that was dreamed of, has now become a nightmare. With freedom, I can't be happy. I spend most of the extra time worrying.

Maybe because I'm 30 years old! Immediately after leaving the company, I met Ben San's first birthday.

If you are a few years younger, your mentality must be different. You can also use finding direction as an excuse. They are also more able to gain social (and family) inclusion. A 30-year-old should have "something" and present a "something" image anyway. I'm pretty sure I don't have those things. I feel like a failure and not forgiven.

I borrowed some books, trying to find ways to be more regular and disciplined. The friend heard it and said:

"What you need now is not self-discipline but indulgence!"

It's only been less than a month since you left the job, and you are so self-abusing. Your chances of having some time of your own in the future will only diminish.

Speaking of which, I don't seem to feel really relaxed since I left the company. I was trembling every day, fearing that I would be inferior to others and lose competitiveness, so I packed up the nervousness in the workplace and went home with the stationery on the desk.

Opportunity to go south a few times this month. As long as I leave Taipei for more than three days, I will tell myself that I can't go on like this and come back as soon as possible. Can't even stop playing. "But you just stay at home when you go home." I was a little ashamed when I came back from a long distance and was seen through by my roommate who also worked from home. Said to go back to Taipei to do things, in fact, did nothing. But here I can feel at ease. Unemployed people don't seem to be suitable for playing in public. They should stay at home and reflect on themselves and work hard for the future. They have no qualifications for respite.

My roommate encouraged me to go out to other counties and cities to change my attention. If you are worried, you can take what you have to do with you, and let yourself sleep better if you are tired. "Tell me if you can't fall asleep again, let's go running to exhaust our energy!" She said softly, like a big sister. Indeed, where the pace is slower, I seem to fall asleep more easily and feel more at peace.

I think the first thing to do is to relax! Be a little more tolerant of your unproductive, waste-like self, even if it has nothing to do with society, it doesn't matter if you don't keep up. Don't judge yourself like this. Then practice relaxation and let go of physical (social) constraints. Think of this as the direction of your second month's efforts!

By the way, the direction of the first month is to "adjust the schedule", and it seems that it has failed for the time being. However, my roommate said that regular bowel movements will lead to regular work and rest. Come back to share my defecation diary next month💩

Achievements of this month (2019/11)

Nothing great, I just want to list it to make myself feel a little more valuable.

• Illustration: Draw 6 pictures. It seems to have broken through its own bottleneck.
• Music: Sing a song to pull the radish
• ️Article: Submit 1 article
• Read: Haruki Murakami, "Being a Professional Novelist". A book with a lot of harvest needs to be digested slowly.
• Unlock the tree climbing achievement, very talented as a monkey. It doesn't seem surprising (?)
• Develop a new library and find a day-to-day shelter
• Get into the habit of bedtime/sleep-wake yoga stretches
• I fold the quilt every day when I wake up
• Trying hand-printed T-shirts, this is the first time to make products other than paper, happy 😊 This is currently on sale! I point