"Change."

Date: 2022.03.03

Location: Kaohsiung City

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Finally finished February. The use of "finally", to a certain extent, symbolizes that this month has passed, but it is actually reluctant. On weekdays, I work part-time during the day, write plans at night, and then use the holidays to go to the north to do activities. The life style in February seems to be fulfilling, and most of the things I do are obviously liked, but I still use "finally" in the end.

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Maybe just like the stomach, even if you eat the food you like, there are times when you can't eat it, and no matter how fun things are, they can't match the limited physical strength. I once seemed to be writing this in a certain weekly diary, forgetting what the final conclusion was, but I had the impression that I didn't like this state. Obviously I don't want it to happen again, but I still let this feeling come back.

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"Is this state of affairs good?"

Even though he gave a negative answer at the time, he is now questioning it.

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I remember that since May last year, because of the outbreak of the epidemic, I have been unemployed for half a year. Life is free, although occasionally because of some irresistible desires, I make myself care about unstable income, but it seems that it is only occasional after all. Later, I forgot when it started, and decided to seriously look for a job and make good money. I decided to implement the plan I wrote down, so that those dreams that were on my lips could have a chance to come true.

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I'm not sure if I want to have a stable financial situation and a stable relationship, or if I actually don't want to disappoint those around me who expect me to do something, or I don't want to embarrass myself in front of H. After all, before dismantling the gang, they denied the other party's insistence that they could not go beyond the utopia in their hearts at the beginning, and also vowed that after leaving, they would be able to walk in their own way.

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I don't know what actually made me want to change the status quo, but suddenly I feel that people seem to be born relying on goals. If it is dependent on goals, in the half year without goals, are you really comfortable? Or in fact, after half a year of unemployed, there is still a certain goal in my heart, so I can still feel at ease.

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"I think if you want to change your life, you must first change your definition of what life means."

I remembered saying this to myself when I was discussing the next step of the book project with D in Xiangshan the day before yesterday.

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The six months of being unemployed may still have goals, but the meaning of life seems to have been changed during that time, so life has also been changed. It was only later that the meaning of the original expectation was retrieved, and life changed again.

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"Is this state of affairs good?"

I don't know, but I don't like this state, so there may be a way other than directly changing the meaning.