Rediscovering my position in the lonely city | Guo Jing's diary of Wuhan city closure | 27-29

January 27

I was paralyzed in bed for two or three hours after writing my diary yesterday. I never thought that writing a diary would be so exhausting. This lockdown has brought time and space to a standstill, while our emotions and emotions are amplified. I've never been so focused on myself, so many small thoughts are hard to be fleeting at the moment.

We usually have many channels to adjust, vent and even escape our negative emotions. And in lockdown this becomes extremely difficult. In the past, we could self-regulate in many ways, such as partying, playing games, developing hobbies, etc., but it is difficult to do now. There is a huge haze occupying our lives that we cannot ignore.

A friend of mine who loves to play games was recently out of work, and she said she was too anxious to play games. Playing games is a way of her daily escape from life, but when finding a job is so urgent that she cannot escape, playing games loses its meaning.

When I was lying in bed and brushing my phone, I suddenly heard the neighbor's chat and laughter, and I felt very precious. All I see outside these days is tension and anxiety. I saw some sad and funny things on the Internet. Some people opened the window and shouted, "There is someone on the other side, come out and quarrel."

Yesterday's dinner was noodles. I still video chat with my friends for over 3 hours. A friend who recently had her ears pierced lost her earrings, and now she is afraid to go out to buy them, so she uses tea stems as earrings. A friend in Luoyang said that her father was very calm, probably because he had experienced a lot of things. Disasters seem to be an inescapable part of mankind. For example, in 2003, we experienced SARS; in 2008, we experienced the Wenchuan earthquake.

Some people said that there will be changes in the Spring Festival next year. There will not be so many gatherings, and there will be no awkward chats with many unfamiliar relatives. Everyone said that they would definitely not, and some people said that they might have retaliatory dinners and forced marriages. This year, the blind date that could not be arranged due to pneumonia may be doubled next year.

At night, I dreamed that I was traveling with a few friends, and there was pneumonia in the dream. We were planning to go out to eat, and indeed there are shops still open. I strongly oppose eating in the store, and suggest that we take it away, because we need to take off our masks when eating in the store. As a result, somehow, we still ate at the store. When we were chatting last night, a friend said that he wanted to invite me to dinner after the lockdown was lifted, and I said that he wanted to eat hot pot.

The weather in Wuhan is a little brighter today, although it is still cloudy. A few steps after we went out, we saw two cats on the ruins, and we looked at each other. The sense of apocalypse in this scene is too strong, and when we looked at each other, it seemed that there were only me and these two cats left in the world. Too bad I didn't bring anything to eat. When I go out, I can bring some food to feed some stray cats and dogs.

The waist flower noodle shop is still doing takeout. The two wreaths that were in front of the wreath shop yesterday are gone today. The old man who was at the alley two days ago is not here today. Vegetables, rice racks, and noodles racks in supermarkets are still in a state of scarcity, and the racks selling salt are also empty. There are more people queuing to be weighed today. Maybe someone needs to restock their inventory. Maybe someone just wants to go out and buy something.

The supermarket has 84 today, so I bought two bottles of 84. Stopping food purchases made me feel like I had overcome scarcity to some extent. In fact, I was worried about whether I was saving too much for the first two days, but I couldn't help it. It probably has something to do with poverty. I can't walk in front of discount stores and sales points. I always want to buy the best deal when they are on sale. I will buy some things that may not be used in the end. It was originally to save money, but it ended up being a waste.

Pharmacies are still without masks and alcohol. The flower shop is still in the state of "going out to send flowers". The vegetable market was not open, but there were two or three people selling vegetables at street stalls.

I went to Tan Hualin today. There are also some vegetables at the entrance of the alley. Entering Tanhualin, a delicious snack shop smells of fragrance, and there is a person standing in front of the shop. I was pleasantly surprised that the store was open, so I asked. The store said how to open the door in this situation. Tanhualin is an Internet celebrity literary street with many coffee shops, beverage shops, and accessories shops. People could spend their leisure time here, but now the whole street is in leisure.

An old man opened the window and looked at the outside world from upstairs. The sound of cucurbit flute came from the courtyard of Tanhualin Historical and Cultural District, and only those Chinese New Year decorations were left when entering the courtyard. There are glass wind chimes hanging in front of some stores, singing crisp songs in the wind. People's wishes for work, study, love and body hang on the wind chimes. Usually I think these are hypocritical, but at this moment, there are many images of people writing down their wishes seriously in my mind.

Walking out of Tanhualin, I saw a box of X Xiansheng and walked in. Someone is checking the temperature at the door. This supermarket is bigger, but the vegetable rack is also empty. The Spring Festival song list is playing in the supermarket.

There is no pressure to buy things, I just wandered around, walked to the shelf of self-cooking hot pot, thinking that I could improve my life tonight, or I could be lazy, so I spent 65.7 yuan to buy a box of self-cooking hot pot and Snail powder. I also rocked to the music while waiting for the checkout.

I like square dance. The rhythm of square dance is strong and cheerful. The people who dance square dance are also very energetic, which makes people very happy. When I walked out of the supermarket, my steps became lighter and I hummed a song.

Walking to the door of the Wuchang District People's Government, I saw a middle-aged woman riding a small yellow car shouting at the door. She shouted in Wuhan dialect, I only understand "please receive the leader" and "more than 20 years". She shouted over and over again. Several cars entered one after another, and the security guard was there, but no one paid attention to her. She seems to be transparent.

At such times, she insisted on shouting at the government gate. This should not be the first day, and it may not be the last day. My heart suddenly became heavy again. After walking more than 100 meters, the voice of "please welcome the leader" still came from behind me.

Walking to a police comprehensive service station, there is a loudspeaker hanging at the door, and an announcer is passionately reciting "The prevention and control station for the new coronavirus infection has started... We are watching and helping each other, and we will be able to win this new coronavirus. Virus-Infected Pneumonia Epidemic Prevention and Control". The slogan was repeated in the empty streets, full of irony.

Back at the gate of the community, a person was shouting: Come out and chat, it's going to grow hair. Several people were laughing beside them. I couldn't help but laugh too.

I couldn't write the whole diary with one unified mood. The world is so absurd, I can only record these absurdities one by one.

January 28

Lockdowns have created panic, and panic is deepening isolation between people. Many cities have begun requiring masks to be worn in public. This seems to be for the prevention and control of pneumonia, but it actually brings about the abuse of power.

Yesterday, some citizens in Guangzhou without masks were dragged off the subway and sprayed with chili water. We don't know why they didn't wear masks, maybe they didn't get them, maybe they didn't see the notice that they had to wear masks. But no matter what, their right to go out should not be taken away. There are also many ways the government can encourage citizens to go out less and wear masks in public, such as ensuring that every citizen has a mask, and giving incentives to citizens who do not go out.

There is also a video online of a group of people sealing the doors of people who are self-isolating at home. People from Hubei have been driven out of the country and have nowhere to go. This is scary, and the way to deal with pneumonia should not be to defend people. At the same time, some people are trying to break down the barriers, and they offer accommodation for Hubei people who are out of town.

Building trust and bonding in lockdown is no easy task. Yesterday, a reporter asked me if I would consider communicating with others, and I replied that I don't know. The whole city was shrouded in a heavy atmosphere. Being in it, I unconsciously became cautious and did not dare to communicate with people at will. Lockdowns have atomized people's lives and lost touch with others.

Yet people are not content with the status quo. At around 8 o'clock last night, there were shouts outside the window, and everyone opened the window and shouted "Wuhan, come on." This collective cry is a kind of self-empowerment, from which people find connection and derive their strength.

Yesterday's dinner was a small hot pot buffet. After dinner, I chat with my friends as usual. Chatting every day is a very difficult thing and can quickly become speechless. So, we decided that everyone would take turns sharing the secret. The Beijing-based Bcome group created "The Way of the Vagina," a Chinese version of a vagina monologue, with a line that reads: "What we don't say will become secrets, and these secrets will generate shame, fear, and myth."

We talked about some unique living habits. For example, some people said that they did not like bathing, some people talked about their relationship with their family members, family secrets and so on. We also talked about which IQ taxes we have paid, the magical items we have bought, and some people who have bought chili paste, which claims to be able to lose weight, will heat up when you apply it. Of course, we inevitably talked about pneumonia, and everyone shared some of the information they saw, talking about some groups that are keeping the city running but ignored. I decided to understand the needs of these people.

My survival anxiety has slowly dissipated these days. Even though I'm trying to go further every day, what's the point of going so far if I don't connect with the people here? Social participation is an important human need. People need to have their own social roles in society, to play their own social values, and to give meaning to their lives.

I want to find my place again in this lonely city . Even though I don't have a lot of resources and connections in the city, and I don't have a car, the space for movement is limited. But yesterday I saw someone riding a shared bike and thought I could go out on a bike too.

Today, the weather in Wuhan has finally cleared up with sunshine, just like my mood. There were more people out of the community. There were two or three community workers. They seemed to be doing investigations, saying that they wanted to check outsiders. I asked an elder sister if they had issued masks, she said no, and another man came over and said they did.

Then I interviewed 8 sanitation workers, six women and two men. They work about seven or eight hours a day, and the salary is about 2,344 yuan, less than 2,000 yuan after tax.

I asked if their salaries would change during the pneumonia period. Some people said that during the Spring Festival, there are 3 days of double wages, but some people don't understand it at all.

They can now receive 84 disinfectant and reusable labor protection gloves every day. There are no disposable gloves, and masks are generally lacking. If the situation is good, 20 masks can be issued at a time, and they can be collected again after use up; the worst has only issued 2 masks since the city was closed.

They are all kind, some don't have disposable medical masks and wrap their mouths with scarves. I sent out the three disposable medical masks that were spared when I went out. Some of them spoke with an accent, and I sounded hard, and one of the older sisters couldn't help but take off her mask and put it back on quickly. Some people prepare their own masks and say "for the family, for everyone, and for the country".

I asked if their family would be worried. One elder sister said she was definitely worried. She had already lived separately from her son and daughter-in-law. If they didn’t go out, she would buy things and deliver them to the door .

They have meager wages and no basic protection, but they are still working. Are we really worth their perseverance?

I also asked 3 takeaways, all male. The working hours of the delivery staff are variable, and they will basically be equipped with masks, at least two a day, and the delivery boxes will be disinfected every day. Group X takeaways will also distribute hand sanitizer.

I asked if wages would be increased, and they said that the classification of takeaways is more complicated, and it will vary according to the supplier, the weight of the goods, etc. The delivery order of X group takeaway will be 3.5 yuan more than usual; one deliveryman who has X said that his order is 4 yuan more than usual, and the other said there is no change.

I also went to a convenience store, which opened at 5 in the morning and closed at 11 in the evening, and issued an N95 mask a day.

I want to make myself a connection point . So I sent my WeChat QR code, everyone is welcome to add me. If you are in Wuhan and want to contribute to breaking the blockade, we can do what we can for those neglected groups; if you are out of town and want to donate some necessary supplies such as masks, you can send them to me, I Can go out and distribute to those who need it. Let's form a network together.

January 29

At the end of 2017, I initiated the establishment of the 074 Legal Hotline for Women in the Workplace to provide legal support for women who encounter gender discrimination in the workplace. Yesterday afternoon, I received a phone consultation about pregnancy discrimination. The caller was a man whose wife, Ms. Pan, was an administrative clerk at a state-owned enterprise. Ms. Pan joined the job in July 2019 and is now 3 months pregnant.

Ms. Pan's pregnancy reaction is relatively large, and the vomiting is relatively severe. The doctor recommends rest. Because of multiple leave of absence, the company began to say that she was not suitable for the job, suggesting that she should leave. Ms. Pan is under a lot of psychological pressure. Because the company has not directly said to let Ms. Pan resign, I can only suggest that Ms. Pan continue to work and collect evidence of being discriminated against. Coincidentally, Ms. Pan and her husband are also in Wuhan now, and they have stored some food. I hope we will have a chance to meet after the lockdown is lifted.

Work is now a worry for many people. The Spring Festival holiday has now been extended to February 2, but if the epidemic continues to develop, how can people return to work with peace of mind. Large companies may have enough financial resources to maintain operations, and the extended holiday will cause more serious losses to some small businesses and self-employed individuals. Their profits may not be much, and there will be pressure on rent and wages for employees, which may lead to layoffs. . In layoffs, women are often the first employees to be let go.

For individuals, everyone is considering whether to take a certain risk to go to work. Some of them may face the pressure of mortgage loans, and some have to take care of their families. How to solve these problems? Ultimately, the state must shoulder these responsibilities by reducing taxes for companies and providing basic living allowances for individuals.

Yesterday I got a message from a high school friend I haven't spoken to in years who is now a nurse. She said: "I've been reading every piece of your diary. I can't think of any more words to comfort you, and my heart is full. I just want to tell you that I submitted an application to the unit today to apply to the front line. Book , if possible, I would like to go there and fight with you. You are not alone. The pace of national civilization is getting closer and closer, and there may be some areas that are not perfect, but please do not forget love and hope. You are still in my mind. The thin and stubborn you, I believe you will be able to return safely in this epidemic."

After reading it, I was moved to tears. (PS: I am not skinny now.)

Yesterday's dinner was porridge cooked with rice and fried chicken breast with celery. At night, I continued to video chat with my friends. The friend who doesn't like to take a bath has not taken a bath for more than a week, so she decided to take a bath the next day. Celery in Guangzhou cost more than ten yuan per pound, and a friend in Beijing bought 5 potatoes, large and small, for more than ten yuan. Some friends began to listen to detective stories, so that they had a brief isolation from the information about pneumonia and adjusted their status.

We discussed what could be done for sanitation workers, there was a proposal to issue guidelines on how to wear masks, and given the conditions of sanitation workers, there may be people who are illiterate. I have a printer, but this time it is broken. Two netizens donated money to me and asked me to transfer it to sanitation workers. I will discuss with you whether to raise money for sanitation workers.

I am just an individual, it is difficult to guarantee transparency and credibility, and I am not qualified to manage donations. I will donate the money I have collected and will no longer accept donations to sanitation workers. Moreover, this may not necessarily be their immediate needs. It's easier for us to donate in a way, and harder to really care about their lives .

The weather is still sunny today. I woke up once more than seven in the morning, and was so sleepy that I went back to sleep. As a result, he slept groggyly until almost ten o'clock. After waking up, I started exercising as usual. Last night, a friend sent me the contact information of the volunteer team of Wuhan Logistics Association. After breakfast, I contacted them to see if they could be of some help.

I think I can chat more with the sanitation workers today. The first sanitation worker I met when I went out was the eldest sister who was going to deliver things to her son and daughter-in-law yesterday. At first, she was a little defensive, and she asked me what I did and what my purpose was. I said that I was just a volunteer and wanted to understand and document the lives of sanitation workers. She was still puzzled and asked me not to take pictures and record, nor to give my name. She is an old Wuhan native, and she speaks with an accent, some of which I do not fully understand, and what I can record is limited.

The eldest sister is very talkative. She has been a sanitation worker for more than a year. She used to be an accountant in a factory and retired at the age of 45. The current unit no longer pays social security for her. I said what should I do if I was sick, and she said she was fine. She has one day off a week, and she has never taken a vacation since her work. No matter the wind, rain, heat or cold, she cleans the streets. Standing 99% of the day. Standing down one day, my legs are sore at night. Sometimes when I get home, I don't want to do laundry or cook.

The area she is responsible for is about 500 meters of streets. The eldest sister said that in addition to cleaning time, the sanitation union observes the area under its jurisdiction in a hidden corner. If it is dirty, it will immediately go to clean it. If it is not cleaning, people will not see them.

Her husband has been dead for many years, and she has a son. My son had a heart attack. He had an operation in a hospital in Guangzhou the year before, and now he still needs to take medicine, which costs thousands of dollars a month. My son's health is not good, and the jobs he can choose are limited, so he starts renting a car and driving Didi. In addition to protecting her own life, the eldest sister's salary sometimes subsidizes her son.

Each sanitation worker has his own jurisdiction and cannot chat with colleagues in the adjacent area during breaks. The eldest sister often does not speak for a day . She often encounters people who ask for directions, and many people are not polite. Some drivers beckoned to her from a distance. After asking the eldest sister, a person who asked for directions asked someone else. The eldest sister said that she was clearly pointing the right way, but the person came back to accuse her and said, "You can only be a sanitation worker." So she sometimes doesn't want to respond to people asking for directions. She said that she has no obligation to give directions to others, she is just kind, and those passers-by take it for granted. She said loneliness and being disrespected was depressing .

After Wuhan was closed, she still had to continue to work in order to survive. She goes to work at 11 o'clock every day and gets off work at 6 o'clock. The supermarket near my house doesn't open until 10 o'clock. She said that she couldn't buy vegetables and take them to work. She could only buy vegetables after get off work. The prices of some vegetables increased, and there were very few vegetables that she could buy. Fortunately, a nearby hotel sold some vegetables for cheap, and she bought some potatoes and cauliflower. She spent 198 to buy 100 masks, but was stolen while she was resting.

Before leaving, I left a few masks for my eldest sister. She said thank you and I can find her on that road. However, I feel that I am not worthy of her thanks.

In my opinion, her story is an indictment of social injustice, of people's discrimination and arrogance.

I released the WeChat QR code yesterday, hoping to connect with more people and act together. Some people say that the QR code cannot be scanned. If you have the same situation, you can add me through WeChat, my WeChat ID: 1461177244.