[When I grow up] I thought I forgot, but things that deeply affect me

After writing the article in the middle of the night, I changed the subtitle several times in the morning. I really don’t know how to subscript. During the writing process, I found that writing those things was an uncomfortable writing. I hoped that it would not look too emotional. I just wanted to state a piece of the past. After writing it, I suddenly found that the emotional ups and downs at the beginning did not seem to be there. This article commemorates a past event.

Yesterday my mother drove past the middle school where I used to go. She said that I used to ride a bicycle to go to and from school by myself, and she never knew where my school was. To be honest, I am very used to my mother not being in the situation . Her life has always been trying to survive, and it is normal to have no time to take care of the people around her. Otherwise, " for you, how hard we have been before " will not always be talked about.

 She asked me: Why did a classmate puncture your bicycle tire before? And you say people bully you, are they playing with you? Or are they trying to get your attention because you are cute?

my naive mother....

Why do you think puncturing a bicycle tire is a normal joke? Why do you think your daughter is crying and telling you that someone bullying her is just a child's play? And at such an age in the country.

At that time, I cried and told my mother about the bullying incident at school, and she replied with a smile that she just wanted to be your friend. I never told my mother about school again. Because it's useless to say it, it won't be comforted and won't be protected. She would only say that I think too much. My pain is not understood, especially the people close to you deny your pain, my dad just asked me, do I want to transfer? And I say NO! Because those people will say that there are people who know so-and-so in the country, and Nantou is a small place, which makes me believe that it will not be better if I go.

When a child tells you that she is uncomfortable, it is uncomfortable . Whether the child does not want to face an adult or does not want to go to school, please face his feelings.

So when she brought up this story that I have buried, she said she was curious about why I said that people were bullying me at that time, I calmly told her that I didn't really want to talk about it , and she continued naively scrutinizing and talking about small When the children were playing with each other, I told her in a loud voice: This is bullying. what do you want me to say?

For a long time, I have been reviewing myself, after all, "poor people must have something to hate" , maybe I really hate people! ? I live in self-loathing. But one of the protagonists who caused this series of bullying incidents (the story lead is too stupid and very second), I will continue to be friends with him in the future, listen to his troubles, and resolve his worries. I don't know if this counts as a victim plot. I thought that I could restore a little sense of self-worth, thinking that by doing so, what happened in the first place may not have happened.

How long was that period? I do not remember. Because I was sitting in the middle of the classroom, and the class happened to be in the shooting center around me, lumps of rubbish were thrown at me, and the teacher ignored it. The class instructor tried to unravel the alleged misunderstanding , but just let me sit next to him and listen to how much these people hated me and how messed up the class was with my presence. I really wanted to die then.

I am not alone. In fact, a group of classmates who are usually silent in the class came to tell me that they would like to be my friends. After thinking about it, I was so focused on my own pain at that time that I didn’t seem to have officially thanked them before graduation, and I felt a little ashamed.

When I was a junior college student, because of the shadow of bullying, I couldn't get along well with my classmates, because no one taught me how to deal with the past . Since then, I have become accustomed to being alone. Later, I heard from my classmates that I used to Do you think I hate them? ! Always come and go in a hurry, I don't want to have the feeling of intersection with them, but I always feel that they don't want to be friends with me.

At that time, my boyfriend was a senior in the same department. Because I wanted to avoid my class at the time, I often stayed in my boyfriend's class, but I was a strange school girl, and I didn't like talking to people. I don't know why my boyfriend at the time likes me. ! I wear ugly braces, I don't know how to make up, I'm down to 38kg, black and small, very withdrawn, and my boyfriend is tall, and his ex-girlfriend is a different kind of flower. However, his group are all boys, and they may be more tolerant or indifferent to my strange personality to my strange schoolgirl.

After breaking up, I seemed to have lost all my reliable things, so I went to the school's counseling room a few times. Because of the counseling, I started to contact the club, and I got a sense of belonging. In fact, at first, I was very uncomfortable about being accepted . I always thought that maybe people saw me as pitiful? ! When people say they like me, I doubt it all. This low sense of self-worth didn't change until I got to know a colleague in the past three years. She taught me to deal with negative information and to change my perspective to look at my experience with humor . Before I read "The Courage to Be Hated" Before, she had taught me the spirit of Adler.

As an aside, it's interesting that this colleague recently asked me to borrow this book from me, and I told her "you don't have to read it at all, your thinking is very Adler."

Back to the topic, I think that part of the past should have been sorted out in the process of getting to know myself in the past few years, right? ! When it was mentioned by my mother, I didn't know which thorn in my heart, or was it because my mother's naivety made me want to vomit blood? ! There is fire.

Although I can already accept that my mother is basically a person who does not know how to help children grow up, she always thinks that she loves me if she helps me buy beautiful clothes. She won't be able to comfort and accompany her. Since I was traveling in Europe, my old dog who lived outside with me died, and my friends in Taiwan helped me with the medical treatment of the dog. I was crying and talking to my friends in Taiwan on the Internet on the road where there were many European tourists. , My mother also said: This is the main road, you cry softly. I answered her: none of your business. She felt helpless, so she went shopping. And the first one to hug and comfort me was another mother. From then on I was relieved, she couldn't understand my feelings at all.

In fact, these memories have always existed. I am just used to coexisting with them. Although the pain is not as intense as before, I don’t really want to think about it. I accepted the self who was immature, lost, and hurt. And I'm not blaming my mom , I always knew my mom's kids might need more attention than me. I understand that no one knows how to be a parent from the beginning, but in turn hopes to be an adult who can guide the growth of children or heal others.

I think that the study period is really a very important time for personality development. There are less negative experiences, maybe less self-entanglement and emotional distress. After all, it really takes a lot of effort to solve those pasts; but I do not deny that Friends who have these experiences and survive, actually have more ability and empathy to heal others. Because I know what pain is, I feel it better.

What doesn't kill me makes me strong.

This is the truth, but there must be noble people to help and guide. I am very grateful for the friends who have accompanied me along the way, and I am also very grateful that I have worked hard to save my heart. In the process of self-healing, being conscious and willing to seek help is a very important step.

 If you resonate with my article, please don't hesitate to give applause, five clapping hands can still leave your footprints, let us turn praise into appreciation together, and encourage each other to create!