In love, are we more "becoming" or more "owning"? : Read Lu Dacheng's "Halo of Being"

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Every time I read this book "The Halo of Being", what amazes me the most is that although the author Lu Dacheng discusses very profound issues, he can always explain the profound things in simple terms, using clear and even simple words at first glance. to reveal the hidden content. And the content of "Halo of Being", as the name suggests, is of course revolving around "being".

Possession and Being: Which is Better?

"Being" is not a word we use in our daily life; it means a translation of the Western word be/being. However, the meaning of "being" is always hidden in every moment of life. Regarding existence, there have been many rich discussions in Western philosophy from different perspectives, but we will leave these aside for now. Instead, you can start directly to explore the theme of this book: "Marcelian Existentialism" . Of course, what we will talk about is relatively simple, there is no way to talk about it as deeply and richly as Marcel and Lu Dacheng, otherwise, the guiding function will be lost.

Lu Dacheng (and Marcel) often put "being" and "possession" together, and use a way to highlight the difference between them to emphasize and distinguish the "being" experience in our life.

We often think of "possession" of our loved ones; this phrase means: To me, the loved one has a unique attraction, and I want to monopolize this attraction, and this the existence of the whole person. This is natural. If we don't want to possess someone, it's often not because I've become wiser, more respectful, and more trusting, but because I don't care about him at all. The desire to possess always accompanies love; however, too strong possessiveness often limits the development of the other person, thereby distorting and destroying the relationship between two people. Love brings possession, but possession brings relationship destruction; this contradiction occurs most often in love. But in fact, in any relationship, whether it is family, friendship, or love, we may fall into this kind of crisis caused by the contradiction of possessiveness.

But where there is danger, there is salvation.

In fact, in love, we have another experience: that is, the experience of "spiritual fit". We don't necessarily have this experience often; but when it does, the possessiveness disappears without a trace. why? Because the reason why we are possessive is because I see each other as an object that I may possess, but also may lose; but when the mind is in harmony, the other person and I are completely immersed in the present, and have no time to think, There is a possibility of losing each other one day in the future. This experience is what Marcel said: I see the other as the experience of "being."

Here, we do not mean to completely deny the experience of "possession"; because possessiveness is a natural part of love, and sometimes possessiveness is justifiable. However, when the contradiction of possessiveness brings a relationship into crisis, we need to return to that source to regain the new life of the relationship. This source is what I call "mind fit," or what Marcel called "being" experience.

Friendship: The Concrete Path of Being

The use of the word "existence" is rather profound and incomprehensible. Marcel uses this word, on the one hand, to show that this experience can transform "existence" and make "existence" full, rich, and unique. On the other hand, it is emphasized that this kind of experience is real, not something we imagined; and only through this experience can we truly understand our own existence.

This makes sense, but at first glance it seems a bit abstract. Lu Dacheng thought along the way of Marcel, but Lu Dacheng thought of a more specific statement that would better understand what he meant. He said: In fact, the "existence" experience that Marcel refers to is the "friendship" that we are very familiar with in our daily life and can be seen everywhere.

Presence includes all kinds of positive relationships in the interpersonal sphere, among which friendship is the most important. Although friendship has not been covered extensively in Ma's writings, the "you", "being and being", and "ubiquity" discussed in Ma's work not only refer to love, but also friendship, and it can be said that unless love reaches the level of friendship. The dimension, otherwise, becomes a detrimental factor for the experience of beings. And no matter what kind of relationship is nourished by friendship, it can open up various dimensions inside and outside, and become a real relationship that lasts for a long time.

The "friendship" that Lu Dacheng is talking about here is not the "friendship" we sometimes use to limit and separate other kinds of relationships; for example, "I only consider you a friend", "If you are a friend, then it is not a partner or family." , friendship in this sense. The "friendship" mentioned here means that we don't need to possess each other, but we can still participate in each other's life and our own life; starting from the lives of two people, a meeting occurs, and on the basis of both parties' willingness, it becomes a "friendship". us".

In fact, if we think about it carefully, we will find that friendship as mentioned above is the foundation of all intimate relationships, including family affection, love, and friendship in general. Family relationship is not just blood relationship; it is on the basis of blood relationship, mutual trust in each other, step-by-step communication and accumulation of emotions, will have a deeper and more real parent-child relationship.

And love, as we have already said, is not just attraction and possession; of course, these are also important to love. However, if love lacks this kind of "friendship" experience, it is likely to degenerate into selfishness, control, or completely cool down and respect each other like ice.

Through the phenomena mentioned above, we can finally come to a conclusion: in all kinds of emotional relationships, we always need the help of friendship, which helps us to see each other as a "being" and a unique person. , The existence that no one can replace. Therefore, only through the experience of "being" can we fully realize the meaning of love.