Day 3--my birth

I was born on November 30, 1995 in a hospital in Chengdu, Sichuan at around 4:00 pm. I am my mother's first child. My dad was studying abroad at the time, so he wasn't by my mom's side to watch my birth. In my baby photo album, my mother wrote a lot of bits and pieces in it. It's hard to imagine that when my mother gave birth to me, I was only 24 years old as I am now.

In my current state, I don't want to have children, and I don't want to get married. At present, I feel that maintaining a family is too troublesome, a responsibility that cannot be thrown away. I know many parents who have made a lot of contributions for their children, running schools, teaching, and even finding ways to send their children to study abroad. In name, they are all "for the children", which seems to be a selfless contribution, but to a certain extent, it is also a derivative of "for their own" interests. In Chinese culture, children symbolize parents' expectations and projections. Although I have also benefited from my parents' efforts, I have gained a lot from studying abroad, and now I have good living conditions, but I am very clear that I am very independent and responsible for myself on this journey.

When people ask where do I come from? I used to say I'm from Chengdu, but I actually spent more time abroad than I did in Chengdu. I like the food and culture of Chengdu very much, but I always act like a foreigner. I don't speak Chengdu dialect at all, and my friends will laugh when they hear me. I only speak Chengdu to my grandparents and Didi drivers because they don't care about my accent.

There are many contradictions in my perception of my Chinese identity. The prevailing nationalism in China, which is why we have a superior 5,000-year-old culture, gradually makes me feel proud to be a Chinese. I am curious about the history of China. From elementary school, I would learn about historical events such as the Cultural Revolution and June 4th. In high school, Mo Yan's books had a great influence on me. A few years ago, I read a book called "Wild Grass" about a real case of a man who had a lawsuit over FLG. I am ashamed to live in this country because I know so much. But now I am confident that I can both appreciate Chinese culture and remain critical of Chinese politics. The two do not conflict at all.

The only way for me to accept my Chinese identity is to understand that my mission in being born in China is not to forget history. I feel that the ideal of the warrior in my bones is definitely from the karma of the previous life. I would also like to know more about why I was born in China in this lifetime.