<The Narcissistic Archives> The Elegy of the Clan

On May 29, 2019, a random murder case involving 3 deaths and 17 injuries occurred in Kawasaki City, Japan. The long-term "cocoon" suspect went out without warning to become a "monster", which plunged the whole of Japan into a gloomy fog; three days apart, Japanese agriculture and forestry The former deputy minister of the Ministry of Fisheries killed his 44-year-old eldest son with a knife in the afternoon of June 1. He said that he stabbed his son to death because he was worried that his son would be disadvantageous to nearby elementary school students.

The second event is most likely the "aftershock" of the previous event, and both events are related to the "callous gnawing family".

At present, according to statistics, there are more than 5 million adults in Japan who rely on their parents to "gnaw the elderly", but the phenomenon of "gnawing the elderly" is actually a trend of globalization, and it is not limited to Japan. Although social and cultural factors have certain influences, there should potentially be some common problems.

I think the problem of "narcissistic growth" may be the root problem.

<Case 1> The demon that broke out of the cocoon

The current investigation shows that he grew up with his parents divorced and lived with his grandparents in their 80s, as well as his uncle's family of four.

The suspect's primary school class guide: "I feel that he and his cousin are treated differently. This is the impression I left at the time."

The suspect seems to have been treated unequally at home since he was a child, and was bullied by his classmates at school. Suspected classmate: "When quarreling, he would be laughed at by classmates saying, 'orphan', 'abandoned child', 'abandoned child', etc."

My studies were not smooth, and my work was not smooth. After I lost my job, I was locked up at home for a long time. Finally, I became an old man.

Kawasaki city officials: "Grandpa and grandma are getting older, and they are starting to worry about the future of the suspect. I hope he can live on his own."

After consulting 14 times before and after, although there was no sign of committing the crime at the time, the motive for the murder may have been buried.

His upbringing seems to have always revolved around feelings of "abandonment," "ignorance," and "humiliation." Abandonment and neglect are the most common reasons for "narcissism and fragility", and "narcissism and fragility" make him unable to bear "humiliation", so he keeps retreating inward, gradually forming a closed state, resulting in "cocooning" and " gnaw the old".

This psychological withdrawal seems to return to the unborn "fetus" state, his room is like a huge "womb", and he refuses to be "born".

The intervention of the grandparents and social worker was absolutely well-intentioned, to help him become self-reliant and reintegrate into society. But this kind of mental state that is like a "fetus" and doesn't want to be born is very difficult to deal with. Many "cocoon dwellers" have said that the day his parents passed away was the time when he was about to end his life. Such intervention may make him realize that the objective environment can no longer keep him in the "womb", and he is extremely resistant to being "born" into society; At the same time that he decides to end his life, he must also be released. In my opinion, choosing to attack at the bus stop that picks up the child is a symbolic reflection of his inner longing and insatiable jealousy.

<Case 2> Father of "Righteous Killing Relatives"

The parents of "cocooning the old family" have long been burdened with the frustration that their children cannot grow up as they expected. As they get older, their sense of unease will become stronger and stronger. The occurrence of the previous case most likely triggered the parents' great fear.

Xiong Zeyingzhao confessed that he killed his son because his son was 44 years old but he had no job and stayed at home to play games. The monthly tuition fee exceeded 300,000 yen (about NT$92,000). The tuition fee is more than you earn", "If I was born without permission, I will take care of me until the last second before I die."

The most unbearable thing for Xiong Zeyingzhao is that his son has recently started complaining about the loud noise from the nearby elementary school. In addition, his son has a tendency to be violent, and he is worried that his son will run to the elementary school to make trouble, so he kills his son with a knife.

In this case, the murdered son and the murderer of the previous case were also "callous-eating people", but had very different or even opposite growth environments. He did not grow up in a deprived environment, but in a family of higher socioeconomic status. According to their family's social and economic status, it is reasonable to infer that he may have received much attention from his family and been given high expectations; with his later speech and behavior, it is very likely that he is a spoiled child. What setbacks he experienced is unclear. What is certain is that the external environment could not meet his excessive narcissistic needs, so he retreated home and indulged in the game world to obtain satisfaction. With his attitude towards his parents, there should be a great deal of anger towards them; it is likely that his parents ignored or distorted his own characteristics in responding and giving him expectations.

These two cases just show two typical types of "narcissism trouble" - "scarcity" and "distortion".

How to deal with it?

Faced with such fragile or distorted narcissistic structures, don't try to rush to change them; even in the context of professional clinical psychotherapy, these individuals are extremely difficult cases. Their ego retreats in a very small and closed mental space, like a snail hiding in a shell or a hedgehog on alert. Just getting close may cause defense and cause damage to each other. I am actually very worried that these two incidents will lead to excessive fear in society and too active involvement of public power. First, it will lead to unnecessary "stigmatization". Not all cocooning and gnawing elders are so dangerous. Excessive strange vision will lead to unnecessary harm. Second, excessive direct intervention will actually cause more damage. Severe withdrawal and anger.

I think it is more appropriate and feasible to start by adjusting his environment, that is, his parents and family. Many parents may still face them in the way they are used to, constantly asking them to meet their parents' expectations; or because they are too frustrated, they eventually show a state that is close to giving up. Both attitudes are ineffective in changing them.

Facing them, you need to be mentally prepared to "start from scratch"; understand where their current mental state is stagnant, and respond to them according to the needs of that stage.

They are adults in appearance, but their hearts have actually regressed to an earlier stage; they continue to demand them in adult ways, only to make each other feel frustrated and angry.

The specific method is the "narcissistic trilogy" that I constantly emphasize - containment, mirroring and idealization.

Parents first need to let go of their expectations, no matter how simple that expectation may seem. Maintain a "tolerant" mentality. In the process of interaction, let them express their thoughts as much as possible, without giving any value judgments of their own, but simply "sympathize"; this can provide a "space" for them The various parts of the mind integrate with each other "spontaneously".

Parents should be like a "mirror", passively providing the "mirror" they need; instead of giving them the image their parents expect, and asking them to conform to this image.

The primary purpose of these two practices is to get them to let go of their "resistance". Their withdrawal is essentially a defense, trying to resist the expectations that the outside world is trying to impose on them, which is also the main factor in danger, and the least we like.

Only when they let go of their "resistance" will they start to "look out".

When they can start to look out, they can naturally see some of what they want to be and try to make themselves that "look". This is the process of "idealization".

This process is very slow, and you must be patient enough. Everyone can reach a different state and cannot be forced.

But as long as you keep walking, you don't need to resist; as long as you keep walking, life can flow without being blocked, and there will be no "flooding".

What the government should provide is to give these parents appropriate courses and individual counseling so that the above process can take place. There are already many difficulties in doing this alone. Parents are usually old, and it is difficult to change long-term attitudes; such an approach also requires a lot of manpower, and it may be difficult to integrate many different opinions just to discuss a consensus and stable approach.

But without starting, there can be no change, right?