Aphasia

Last week I had a sore throat and a slight cough. I told my husband immediately after get off work. Before his concern could be conveyed, the other person jumped five meters away, covering his mouth with one hand and holding out a trembling finger with the other hand: You can't be...what? I couldn't help but roll my eyes: Do you need to be so afraid? (Although, the number of patients has indeed increased recently.)

In the face of the virus, the relationship between husband and wife appears vulnerable. I finally accepted the old saying "birds in the same forest fly separately"; not only birds can fly alone, but if my husband knew how to fly, he would probably want to fly out from the center of the balcony at that moment.

But if you think about it carefully, it seems that there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself. It is more likely that he just cares about his family. A family must have an energetic steward. After all, there are still two hungry children waiting to be fed. You can't just say "We share the joys and sorrows." , irresponsibly going together to get sick.

In any case, in order to save this relationship that was “going further and further away”, I immediately rushed to get the quick test stick. Fortunately, the first line didn't hit anything. After knowing the result, my husband and I were so excited that we held hands and danced around in circles. This situation seemed to be a hundred times more exciting than when we were pregnant with Dabao and found out that there were two lines.

Although it was not the worst outcome I had imagined, I did not dare to take it lightly. I placed a bottle of medicinal mouthwash called "Stewed Winter" next to the sink the next night, ready to use it when I got up early the next morning. As it turned out, it was God's fault. Because my palms were slippery, I accidentally let the bottle fall and shatter in front of the mirror cabinet. I didn't even have a chance to take a sip.

It was a busy working day, and there were only 7 minutes left before leaving for work. I looked at the broken glass mixed with the liquid medicine scattered on the ground, and thought about thousands of options for dealing with the aftermath. I finally understand the true meaning of the Cantonese proverb "You can die in leisure, you can't be sick in leisure". Being sick is really time-consuming!

(Deleted 3,000 words) After a lot of fuss, the ground was finally cleaned and there were no traces of splashes. As for whether there was still a small "murder weapon" hidden, I no longer cared about it and immediately set off to leave the scene of the crime. After I went out, I still looked panicked, so much so that the passers-by looked at me suspiciously (it might have been my own misunderstanding). I hurriedly tidied my clothes to see if there were any stains or if I had missed any items, and then I calmed down, as if nothing had ever happened.

Maybe it was because of lack of medication, maybe because of overwork, or maybe because of a fright. In the evening, the disease became serious. My throat was sore, my cough worsened, and I had a low fever. I had no choice but to go to the emergency room and register immediately. After a doctor's examination, he prescribed an increased dose of the drowsy drugs that were prescribed to be taken with caution.

For medicine, I took it on time and in the right amount; for sleep, I had no choice but to get enough sleep. However, the disease has not been significantly relieved. On the second day, he developed tracheal cough, his voice became hoarse, and it became difficult to scold the children. On the third day, stubborn phlegm got stuck in his throat, and he lost his voice. At first, the tone of a sentence was high and low, sometimes not, and then slowly evolved into only the sound of exhalation, as if you thought I was whispering to you, but in fact I was screaming with all my strength. .

It is really painful to be unable to speak. It is the kind of discomfort that cannot be expressed in words, and the kind of depression that is full of emotions and has nowhere to vent. I thought I was already experiencing purgatory on earth, but little did I know that purgatory was divided into many levels, and I was just walking quietly on top of them. On the fourth day, my vocal cords opened a little, but suddenly my ears became blocked. It was the kind of stuffy ears that covered my ears so tightly that no sound could enter. Unable to speak, and unable to hear clearly, I was completely aphasic.

At this point, my family members all started to panic for me. Some brought olives, some oranges, and some offered some ancient remedies. Because it was a long holiday, I was away, and I only brought the medicine prescribed by the doctor. Apart from taking medicine, drinking water and getting plenty of rest, there was basically no other feasible way to recuperate.

During those three or two days, I moved my posture quite frequently, because if I moved a little less, no one would know what I wanted. I usually type every day, and I am supposed to be a person who is used to using words to express my thoughts, but when the need arises, I can’t wait to use words. I moved my four fingers in front of my mouth (going to eat?), tilted my neck, stretched out my tongue, and waved my hands (when I was thirsty and out of water, it was time to cook a pot). I responded to requests such as dressing my children and holding my backpack. The method of drawing a gourd is expressed by real people simulating the movements in person.

But expressing thoughts through actions is never as effective as speaking. Take the reminder "Be careful with the diarrhea" for example. When I pointed out my fingers to get Dad to pay attention, the water had already filled the table. Normally, I can grasp the situation at a critical moment with a loud shout. Even if the weak hand on the other side fails to grasp it firmly, the water bottle will be frightened to the point where it will automatically bounce back. Now I can only watch the clear water flowing gracefully...

Besides, it’s difficult to convey intonation and emotion through movements, so I had to try my best to match facial expressions and mouth shapes. Frowning represents confusion, indicating that there is an inquiry in it, and waving quickly indicates that the matter is a bit urgent. I don’t know how many times, others misinterpreted my ideas and made many jokes. I don’t know how much I ate, and I didn’t plan to order anything. It's just hard to explain, and it's very aggrieved.

Although it was only three or two days, it was enough to experience the horror of the silent world. I couldn't imagine how I could live in this way for a long time. Failure to communicate effectively will lead to a backlog of negative emotions. If it weren't for the preparation and adjustment, if it weren't for the care and love of my family, if it wasn't for the understanding that I would slowly recover, I would really have exploded and collapsed. But I know that this is really not something worth boasting about, because there are indeed people in the world who are worse off than me, and there are also people who have no hope of recovery.

Maybe in the future, I will face aphasia again, and may even lose my original voice forever. If this is the case, it will be my fate after all. In addition to taking good care of my body and cherishing communication with relatives and friends, I can only choose to face and accept everything calmly. Regardless of cause and effect, I am lucky to get it.

A while ago, as if it was foretelling that I would become mute without words, I secretly recorded some audios on days when my vocal cords were still in good condition. If one day this voice is lost forever, my relatives, friends and my children can use it to remember who I was. Just like the text under the Matters button, as long as the platform can continue to operate for generations and the text is immortal, Si Shi will not disappear.

As I get older, I understand the importance of being content and cherishing blessings. Even though the unknown self is never perfect from beginning to end, it is the truest self. It doesn't matter if you don't have the same voice as the anchor, and it doesn't matter if you don't have the same singing voice as Huang Ying. If you can speak, it's already good. Although what you present are all your own clumsy writing, if you can read, express, and write, then I have been extremely blessed.

(The following recording, for details, please read the published article " Poisoning—To Children ")

Poisoned

中毒──給孩子

“此醅只應優閑飲，庸生難得幾回嚐。”

 （一）

有一股心癮，習慣在末發作。不知何時開始，由極端抗拒變成痴愛成狂。有人為了苦讀，有人為著療傷，我呢？忘了。以前試過輕輕一嗅，心悸難受得要死，因此怕它，比ｋ仔白粉更甚。如今習慣了溫溫的濃香，握不到反倒覺得掌心空虛，嚐不著會感到口腹難受。

公司免費提供飲料。茶啡奶的熱飲不少。午間，輕輕調上一杯少甜淡咖啡，是我日常“止癢偏方”。因為還想睡，想以真相示人不想畫皮上班。所以只有假日，我才敢斗膽喝上一杯烏黑的“毒液”，放慢步伐逆轉時鐘。

有些感情好如熱飲咖啡，讓生活變調時空失衡。縱使叫人睡不安，花容失色，甚至弄個骨質疏鬆的慢性中毒。我們仍舊依賴它，恰似身體的一部分。生同在。

 （二）

又有一種心癮，習慣在餐後發作。對美名為“令人喜悅”的二氧化碳，從不多欣嘗變成嗜飲成癖。有人因為撐得飽，習慣喝兩口刺激胃酸好消化；有人因為吃得膩，習慣灌幾口冰涼快感以解滯。其他呢？不清楚。可能從小喝到大，瓶子的弧度早已經成為指間最舒適的觸感。

快餐常有贈飲。那是種不計費優惠。習慣了甜味，平常喝的白開水，髣髴再不能止渴。明知它不會提神、解乏、治头痛，喝不到時甚至會“百病叢生”。這麼一杯烏黑的“毒液”，喝下去卻能令人輕閑予人舒爽。

有些感情好如冷飲可樂，讓生活變調時空失衡。縱使叫人坐不穩，嗝氣腹脹，甚至弄個牙齒受損的慢性中毒。他們仍舊依賴它，恰似生命的一部分。息同在。

 （三）

有人喜歡喝咖啡，有人喜歡喝可樂。同樣的烏黑如墨汁，同樣的教人難頂毒癮。孰輕孰重，無法區分。誰敢說手拈一杯，就比手握一瓶更高尚優雅？又是誰規定誰該喝熱，誰該喝冷？我只知道，能夠拼上斷腸碎骨的勇氣，而喝上合心意的一口，那就是無比的幸福。孩子，祝你幸福！

first memory