The ups and downs of bail pending investigation

After paying thousands of dollars in bail, I needed to report to the police station every month. Compared to many people who had to report once or even several times a week, it was a lot easier for me. This is the case. Every month I have to report to the police station, I feel anxious, easily angered, impatient, insomnia, and so on. At first, I didn't notice this emotional change, but then I gradually mastered the rules and began to reflect on and understand my own psychological state and why I was anxious.

humiliation

For more than half a year, I walked into the police station obediently every week, and waited at least an hour each time before the responsible police officer Shi Shiran signed and renewed the guarantee, forcing me to waste my precious life to greet these boring bureaucratic procedures. . The duty hours of the police officers who follow up on my case will change. Sometimes when they are on night shift, they will ask me to report to the police station at 11:00 pm. After completing the procedure, I almost miss the last bus. I tried to change the time because they asked to change the time, and they cooperated to change it an hour earlier to ten o'clock in the evening, but it turned out that I had to wait until 11:45 before someone signed the renewal. On the surface they are responding to reasonable demands, but in fact I understand that I have no bargaining power.

When I asked to change the time, there happened to be a local councillor in the police station. He caught up with me, who had just stepped out of the police station, introduced himself and told me to ask him for help if needed. I thanked in my heart but declined, consciously increasing the living costs of the protesters and their families, so I can handle it myself.

Like many people in Hong Kong, the reason for my crime is to hate police brutality and injustice. During the bail period, I felt humiliated and unbearable, and sometimes I even hated myself for being too obedient, thinking that I was not black enough. This temptation to involuntarily become submissive to cooperative, even respectful, and proactive behavior continued to erode my will during my subsequent trial, sentence, and sentence. Is this the power of the system?

I read Zhou Xingtong's words yesterday, and when I think back to my mood during that time, I resonate quite a bit:

You can choose not to internalize the habits imposed on you here, not to internalize obedience, and always remind yourself that behind every order, there is state violence, and every obedience is humiliation.
They are your jailer, not your superior.
Don't forget, don't get used to it.
Internalizing obedience is real surrender.

fear of the unknown

I have not been formally charged while on bail, so it is unknown what the charges are. This uncertainty is also one of the reasons for anxiety. Unexpectedly, I paid special attention to the sentencing results of similar cases, and wanted to quickly grasp the uncertain future. However, the bail pending investigation period was quite long, with a delay of nine months from arrest to formal prosecution. Family members or some well-informed friends often forward some court news to me, some light sentences and some heavy sentences. To be honest, after reading it, I am even more anxious.

I have heard many cases where the police notified the case to be charged, and then escorted to court. Therefore, in the early days, every time I checked in, there was a fear of not knowing whether I could go home. The sudden remand arrangement may have frightened them too. In the end, this didn't happen. Although I felt overly concerned afterwards, my mood at the time was just like that.

During the bail pending investigation, Mr. X contacted me by phone and whatsapp most of the time, and met me twice in person. We met at a law firm, but it didn't seem to be the firm they work in, but a firm borrowed from a friendly peer, but that was the first time I'd ever been in or out of such a classic-looking law firm in a prime location. Every time I meet more than one person, the first three and the second two are lawyer sisters who look more than ten years younger than me, but are unattractive.

When we met for the second time, I signed two documents with the X-size document, which were documents for applying for fees to a certain foundation. Only then did I know that a certain foundation was responsible for part of the cost of the volunteer lawyer. I am worried that the cost-effectiveness of so many people greeting this trivial case is too low, and it wastes precious resources. I also want to have a budget whether to pay a certain lawyer's cost. After all, I heard that a lawyer's manhour starts with 4 digits, and three people To see me together for two hours, each meeting will cost 10,000 yuan. If I really want such a cost, I can't bear it myself, and I'm embarrassed to waste the fund's money.

"Please rest assured, the fund is just helping to make up for it. No matter how long it takes to cover this case and how much the fund can cover, you don't have to pay a penny. We are volunteer lawyers." Mr. X replied. Since then, I have given priority to donating to a certain fund, because I have actually received their favor.

friend

I thought about the possibility of being arrested, so as early as 2019, I found a few familiar friends and asked them to help me when I was really in trouble and my family in need. Although I was really arrested in the end, luckily the case was relatively minor and didn't affect my life too much, so I didn't need them to help me; but I have been updating them with the situation since the accident. In the process of looking for candidates, I confirmed that I really don't have deep friendships. Or is it a common phenomenon among middle-aged men? It is easier to share wealth and honor, but I have a very strong mentality in times of adversity and do not want to disturb others. Is that self-esteem?

People who don't want to share hardships with them should have a very limited relationship in theory, but they are not. I don't want to bother some people, sometimes because I don't want them to waste time with me, thinking they should have more important things to do and more important people to care about; that doesn't mean the relationship isn't deep. Maybe this incident wasn't serious enough? If it's life and death, maybe I'll be more open to it. Sometimes I wonder why I don't dare to tell the world about myself. Do I even feel that I have done something wrong and dare not say it? I don't think so, it's just that I can't predict how broad-minded others are, how close their values are, and whether the relationship can withstand this shock. Needless to say, the elders in the family, none of them knew about my situation, because they all had no brains.

I began to think about who to invite to write a plea for me. The X sign told me not to rush to find someone, because even the prosecution has not started, I have not decided how to plead, and others do not know how to write a plea letter. But I still couldn't help explaining things to the candidate that came up in my mind, maybe it wasn't to ask for help, but to find a few trusted friends to warm up around the fireplace.