Eating Anxiety in Women: "When I eat, I feel like a pig."

The article was first published in "Youthology", co-authored by Sharon and Aomame, and presents the plight of women with eating disorders or eating anxiety. We once issued a recruitment questionnaire on "Women and Eating Anxiety" and received 131 women writing down their stories related to eating anxiety within four days. Among these women, the youngest has just become an adult, but has had anxiety about eating since junior high school. The oldest woman has been suffering from eating anxiety for more than ten years.

Eating disorders (ED) are a group of mental disorders dominated by abnormal eating behaviors, including anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and binge eating disorder. It is distributed among people aged 12-35 years old, and 90-95% of patients are female.

Under the influence of various social evaluation systems such as family of origin, aesthetic hegemony, marriage and love disciplines, the daily behavior of "eating" has also been gendered.

The following is the original text.

p.s. If you feel that reading this article will trigger a stress response or traumatic memory, please stop reading immediately.

If you were to name the biggest anxieties of contemporary women, body shape would definitely be one of them. In order to be more beautiful and thinner, many women often control their diet and try various weight loss methods. However, food is the source of human energy and the source of happiness. So this kind of battle between heaven and man happens every day. To eat or not to eat? How to solve?

Here are three women’s stories about their experiences with eating disorders and eating anxiety.

"At that time, I didn't look like a normal human being at all."

"I'm like a monster, a pig in captivity."

During the period when vomiting was most frequent, Weiwei always liked to hide in the bathroom and look directly at the mirror. She felt that herself in the mirror no longer looked like a normal human being.

When Weiwei was a child, she would never have imagined that one day she would become like this. She remembered watching a program where beauty guru Da S was imparting his weight-loss experience: eat one banana in three days. Weiwei thinks the show is lying. How can someone survive after eating only one banana for three days? Weiwei can't do it. She loves rice very much, especially rice that's just out of the pot and still steaming. When mixed with vegetables, she can eat a whole bowl.

It wasn't until her freshman year of high school that Weiwei chose to become a quasi-arts candidate, which meant that An An's days of eating with peace of mind were over. Weiwei has been pretty since she was a child, with a small nose, beautiful pink eyes, and a round, somewhat chubby face. In childhood, this face shape was very cute and innocent, but among the art candidates in the acting department, she was a bit disadvantaged. Compared with other girls with small faces, she always looked fatter.

Teachers at training institutions often remind art candidates to pay more attention to their diet: "Chew carefully and eat slowly", "Eat less staple food and more vegetables", "Eat until you are only 60 to 70% full"...

The teacher will also ask them to step on the scale collectively at regular intervals to monitor weight changes. It was every Monday morning. Students lined up in a row and stood on the scale one by one in front of everyone's eyes. The teacher stipulated that for every pound of weight gained, a "fine" of one hundred yuan would be required. In addition to being fined, students who have gained weight are required to run laps along the lake in a nearby park. The lap is almost 900 meters long.

Weiwei was often punished. She couldn't restrain her desire to eat, so she could only cram in Sunday afternoon, not eating any food, and not even daring to take a few sips of water until Monday morning. However, this approach does not always work.

As she enters the second year of high school and the art exam is approaching, Weiwei's pressure is increasing day by day. She came from an ordinary school. Compared with those children who grew up in art colleges, she always felt that she was too bad and had to work harder to get into her ideal college. As time went by, she gradually became "afraid to eat" and "unable to eat".

Many times, Weiwei's daily meal consists of boiled vegetables. Green vegetable leaves are boiled in boiling water and eaten without any condiments. She stops eating after feeling a little full. As for her classmate who was preparing for the Broadcasting Department, in order to cope with the physical etiquette test, she only ate three or four apples a day. When we met a few weeks later, this classmate was so thin that he seemed to be a different person.

After the art exam was over, Weiwei finally successfully entered the performance major of a university in Beijing, but the strict body control did not stop.

Weiwei remembers that in elementary school and middle school, her classmates would always single out the fattest girl in the class and give her unpleasant nicknames. Fat girls mean "stupid" and "clumsy". She did not expect that after entering the acting major, the "fat girl" in the class would actually become herself.

In order to lose weight quickly, Weiwei began to implement the popular ketogenic diet at the time. In addition to vegetables and meat, try to eat less or even no staple food. She hasn't touched a grain of rice or any other carbohydrate food in a long time. Compared with the art exam period, this way of losing weight by eating meat seems to be less painful, but in order to strictly control the calories, these cooked meat slices are not added with any seasoning. Apart from the fat smell of the meat itself, there is almost no flavor. A pleasant taste.

When she didn't have classes, she always went to the supermarket. As soon as she entered the supermarket, she went straight to the area where bulk rice was placed, grabbed a handful of rice, and let the rice grains slowly flow down between her fingers, or walked to the freshly baked bread area. Next to the shelf, I breathed in the aroma of bread being baked. She can even spend an entire day in the supermarket.

Entering my sophomore year, the situation is even more cruel. Students with good looks and talent will receive invitations to audition. "Everyone will have a strong sense of crisis, especially regarding weight control. If you eat this bowl of rice, you will not be able to make a career as an actor." ”.

One time, Weiwei opened a bag of potato chips in the dormitory. Before she could take a few bites, her roommate took it away and said, "Stop eating it, or you will get fat." She watched helplessly as her roommate threw the bag of potato chips into the trash.

Weiwei also received an invitation to film a movie and went to other places to film for two months. Actors often have to stay up late filming, sometimes finishing filming until early in the morning, and have to get up early the next day to film. Even so, in order to always maintain the best photogenic condition, every time she received the lunch box from the crew, she would bring two bowls of water and rinse the food twice before eating it.

After filming that movie, Weiwei's bulimia broke out (bulimia is an eating disorder in which patients have recurring episodes of binge eating behavior, accompanied by negative emotions such as pain, guilt, shame, and self-blame). She always feels very hungry and can't help but stuff things into her mouth. She eats almost all the time except sleeping. She chewed for so long that she even felt a slight soreness in the muscles on both sides of her cheeks. Even though the stomach is full, the act of eating continues uncontrollably.

The powerlessness and despair caused by the loss of control made Weiwei cry while eating. Until she couldn't eat anymore, she went to the bathroom to spit out all the food she had eaten. Tears, vomit residue, and gastric secretions stuck to her hands and face. Weiwei felt, "At that time, I was like a monster in the room, not like a normal human being at all."

She went to the supermarket more frequently. Sometimes when no one was around, Weiwei would secretly put a cup of yogurt, a piece of chocolate or an ice cream into her pocket. After eating the stolen food, she would feel "bad" and "disgusting" and then frantically make herself vomit it up. The moment she vomited and collapsed on the ground, she felt a sense of relief and pleasure after everything collapsed.

"Perhaps I have been tense for too long. Only at that moment, when all my physical, psychological and moral defenses collapsed, did I really feel myself relaxing from the inside out. I spared myself. Already."

After graduation, Weiwei's acting job was not stable. She found that if she managed her weight properly, her chances of succeeding in auditions would be much higher when she was thinner. If you gain a few kilograms in weight, you will be faced with a situation where there is nothing you can do.

During an audition, Weiwei had to compete with another actress for the same role, but she lost. The casting director secretly told Weiwei in private, "You are more mature than the other person in terms of acting skills, but in terms of image, the other person's figure is more in line with the expectations of this role."

Under long-term stress, Weiwei often overeated, and long-term vomiting left Russell's marks on her hands - scars caused by gastric acid eroding the skin at the joints of her hands.

Weiwei knew that her eating disorder had reached a serious level, but she did not dare to make an appointment with a psychiatrist because she was worried that she could not afford the consultation fee. She also did not dare to tell her family and friends for fear of being regarded as a monster. Living in a shared house, she could only sneak into the bathroom every time she vomited, took out her mobile phone and turned the music volume to the maximum to cover up the sound of vomiting to prevent her roommates from noticing.

Weiwei realized that she had to change. After leaving campus, she met many girls other than actors. They did not have beautiful appearances, slender figures, and pleasant voices like actors and art exam classmates... However, Weiwei felt a kind of love in these girls. Long-lost vitality and strength, "Each of them is very healthy and energetic, which makes me see another, more tenacious definition of beauty."

Influenced by these friends, Weiwei learned to change her state. She tried her best to reduce the number of times she vomited, relaxed herself when eating, and no longer had excessive requirements for controlling calories.

After the epidemic, the film and television industry has entered a cold winter period, and there are fewer and fewer opportunities to take on dramas. Weiwei decided to take a break from acting and found a full-time job at a catering company. If there is a suitable role and time, she will go filming after get off work or on weekends and work as a part-time actor.

Although unable to devote herself to her beloved career as an actress, Weiwei has gained a more stable and regular daily life. She can happily go to her favorite restaurant with friends and colleagues, plan her daily schedule in advance, and no longer have to worry about sudden audition invitations.

"Actually, I would be grateful for that dark period. If it hadn't been for that period, I might still be abusing my body. Only when you really hit rock bottom can I truly understand myself again soberly and grow from the bottom of my heart. Courage and determination, no longer caring about the eyes and judgments of others.”

“I still don’t understand why I can’t do it”

Xiao Li has long curly hair, which she habitually pulls to one side. Highly saturated lipstick is almost a standard feature in her makeup. Although not tall, Xiao Li has a slim figure and slender limbs. Her weight has been maintained at about 90 pounds in the past few years.

Colleagues at Internet companies often call Xiao Li "beautiful" or "very pretty." Every time she hears such compliments on her appearance, she feels happy but also feels some pressure. For Xiao Li, this kind of beauty needs to be maintained. She had worked hard for a long time to get her weight back to this state, and she was vaguely worried that she would go back to being fat again.

Xiao Li started paying attention to her figure at a very young age. When she was four years old, her parents sent her to learn folk dance. A dozen little girls in the dance class stood in front of the mirror, with different heights and shapes. That was the first time she vaguely realized the differences in body shapes: Why do some girls have such long legs? Why are some girls visibly slimmer?

In junior high school, the word "weight loss" entered girls' daily lives. When chatting between classes, girls often bring up the topic of weight loss. They will refuse the snacks offered by others because they "want to lose weight." Some girls will also use their summer vacation time to practice yoga and spinning.

Xiaoli's life has been smooth all the way, and she is also looking forward to university life: "Ranking in the top 70% academically, joining a student organization as a minister or chairman, and having a handsome boyfriend to study, travel, and live together with." Grow up and find a decent job." This is the life plan she hopes to realize.

Among them, a long-lasting and happy campus love is an important part. In Xiao Li's family, the relationship between her parents, grandparents, and grandparents has always been very good. She thought that like the elders in her family, she could find a good friend during college, and the two of them would support each other and complete their lives step by step.

Most of her plans have been realized, her grades have been good, and she has also entered the student club and held the position of president, but she has always been emotionally unsatisfied. During her freshman year, she broke up with her high school boyfriend because of a long distance; during her sophomore year, Xiao Li got together with the senior who pursued her, but the relationship ended after a few months.

Watching the classmates and friends around him study, fall in love, and find jobs step by step, "It's like, everyone else has started to hand in their papers, when will mine be handed in?" Xiao Li feels that she is excellent and deserves to be loved. But on the other hand, she still doesn't understand why other people's love can last for a long time, but she can't?

"I think during that time, I was longing for an extremely perfect life, with a handsome and considerate boyfriend, excellent grades, and a perfect myself. But this kind of imagined perfection, if there is a little bit of failure, Otherwise, I would fall into the mood of giving up." Gradually, Xiao Li would spend a long time every day immersed in unhappy emotions. This unhappiness gradually evolved into food cravings.

Xiao Li found that eating seemed to make him happier and give him a feeling of freedom and indulgence. She began to run outside the school and go to various restaurants to try afternoon tea and desserts: bread with butter and jam, waffles with chocolate sauce and ice cream... After afternoon tea, Xiao Li would pack a few more Take a box of snacks back to school and enjoy them after dinner.

Throughout his sophomore year, Xiao Li's weight increased from 90 pounds to 110 pounds. One time in the dormitory, her roommate glanced at her and suddenly said, "Why are you as fat as a pig now?"

Xiao Li was stunned, not knowing what to say. From then on, Xiao Li would carefully avoid this roommate every time she ate, for fear of hearing any more "vicious" descriptions from her mouth. She hid the snacks and bread she bought in the cabinet, and waited until the lights in the dormitory were turned off at 11 o'clock and all the roommates went to bed. Then she took out the snacks and bread from the cabinet and ate them slowly in small bites.

"Eating becomes a kind of freedom when people are quiet at night." Xiao Li feels that at that moment, no one will care about her, and no one will comment or criticize her eating behavior. She can taste the food with peace of mind. Taste, eat a few slices of toast, half a bag of chips or a box of yogurt.

This kind of indulgence in food and spirituality lasted for a long time without realizing it. Sometimes Xiaoli would feel confused, "But besides eating, what else can I do?" He couldn't find anything else that made him truly happy. , she had no choice but to continue tearing open the packaging of the snack bag in her hand.

Xiaoli's university is in the south, and the rainy season begins in June. It rains constantly and the sky is often gray. One rainy day, she passed by the school's large terrace and stood by the railing, looking at the endless gray-black sky. "I am only in my early twenties, and there are so many beautiful things in life waiting for me to discover and experience, so why do I lead my life like this?" Xiao Li thought, he couldn't let his life go on like this.

However, when she first started losing weight, Xiao Li gradually went to another extreme where she "didn't dare to eat".

Before eating each food, she will carefully check the calorie meter, carefully calculate the calories consumed in a day, and try to keep this number to the lowest. Almost every day, Xiao Li would stand on the scale to see if he had lost any weight.

By the end of the first year, she had lost nearly 10 pounds. Starting from the second year, Xiao Li wanted to continue this model, but found it difficult to persist. At night, those suppressed appetites surge like a tide. Standing in front of the refrigerator, Xiao Li dug out all the edible foods. After eating them all, his heart was filled with regret and annoyance. As compensation and punishment, she would eat less or skip meals the next day to achieve a caloric balance.

In the third year, Xiao Li was about to graduate from college, and her weight returned to around 90 pounds. But looking back on the past two years, Xiao Li doesn't feel happy. He seems to be fighting against food and the desire to eat every day.

After graduation, Xiao Li, who found a job, began to try to gradually relax the tight string. He no longer had a strict desire to control calories, and tried to re-accept the simple happiness that food once brought to him. On weekends when he doesn't have to work overtime, Xiao Li will invite friends to eat at a restaurant where Zhongcao eats. After carefully tasting the food, he carefully writes down his own evaluation of the food.

It has been a long time since Xiao Li had the urge to eat like crazy. Although sometimes, she would still dream about getting fat again and those nights when she was eating heavily, but after waking up, she would try to relax herself and let go of the anxiety and burden when facing food. .

"Maybe it's because I'm not thin enough and I don't look like a beautiful girl."

In 2020, Tuntun had just returned from studying abroad. After two weeks of hotel quarantine, her weight gained a few pounds. As soon as she entered the house, her mother saw her and took out a scale. The mother said to Tuntun: "Because I am your relative and we are a family, I will tell you the truth frankly."

The meaning of “truth” is: “Girls are prettier if they are thinner, and good-looking people can have families”, “How can you manage your life if you can’t even manage your weight?” “If you can’t get married, no one wants you, and you are a failure. People..." Whenever Tuntun stayed with her mother, these voices were always heard.

Tuntun is "maternal womb solo". Her mother believed that she had never been in love because she was fat. How can I get married and have children if I don't change my body shape? Because of this, my mother was very nervous about Tuntun's figure. The mother gave an example: Tuntun's cousin participated in a weight loss class and lost weight from 200 pounds to 140 pounds. After that, the cousin who had never been in love quickly fell in love, got married, got pregnant, and had children. This "successful experience" led her mother to enroll Tuntun in a weight-loss class.

Under the guidance of her mother, Tuntun experienced various weight loss therapies, including massage, cupping, muscle-relaxing, fat-removing, and meal replacement. Every day, Tuntun's diet is strictly supervised by his mother. "Eat less and eat more meat" is the secret recipe. At night, Tuntun could only eat boiled tomatoes and two beaten eggs. Tuntun took the initiative to sign up for personal training. One month later, she lost 5 pounds.

At the end of 2020, Tuntun went to Beijing for an internship and started eating late-night snacks in revenge, and her weight quickly increased by 5 pounds. When her mother saw her when she returned home for the New Year, familiar comments and words hit her again.

Unlike her mother, Tuntun never believed that she would be able to find a boyfriend if she lost weight. For her, the problem with "maternal and fetal solo" is not that she has to complete the tasks of "getting married" and "having children", but that she regrets that she has missed the life experience of "love".

Tuntun was very concerned about the eyes of the opposite sex, but his memory was not very good. In junior high school, she was often verbally and behaviorally attacked by boys. She doesn't understand why she is being bullied? "Maybe it's because I'm not thin enough and I don't know how to dress myself up. I don't look like the kind of beautiful girl." Tuntun said.

This memory has always been a shadow in Tuntun's heart. In the Type 16 personality test, Tuntun's personality test result is "Adventurer" (ENFP-T), which is also affectionately known as the "Happy Puppy" personality. "E" stands for Extrovert. When Tuntun makes female friends, he is like a happy puppy and can take the initiative to talk to girls. "I can successfully win over any girl I'm interested in, but I don't have the same confidence with men."

When getting along with boys, Tun Tun, who usually gets along well with others, will turn into nervous and uneasy. She didn't dare look into a boy's eyes and speak, and was very concerned about her image. Once, Tuntun was eating hot pot with a boy. The steaming hot pot steam hit her face. She felt very hot, but she resisted not tying up her hair because she felt that wearing her hair down would make her look smaller. , looks better.

"If I were prettier or thinner, wouldn't I need to be a happy puppy to be liked by others? Good-looking people can attract attention and interest just by sitting there. But Ordinary-looking people have to have interesting personalities or interesting stories to attract others. It's really difficult," Tuntun said.

The comments and opinions of others, the goal of "fat loss and body shaping", the standard BMI value, and good posture... are like strings tied to a kite, restricting her desire to eat.

After the epidemic this year, Tuntun has been working from home. When people stay in a closed space for a long time and are bored, it is easier to focus on themselves. She found that she usually did not do much exercise. Apart from working with her eyes open and sleeping with her eyes closed, she remained sedentary for long periods of time. The number of steps she took was only within 500 steps. She also gained weight slightly, gaining 3 or 4 pounds in a month.

Therefore, Tuntun designed a strict diet plan for three meals a day: breakfast is overnight oats prepared the night before; for lunch, she will choose to eat light food with protein, fiber, vitamins and other trace elements; for dinner, she will There are only two choices, whole-wheat bread, Subway without cheese, sauce, and pepper only, or Malatang without spicy sauce. To put it bluntly, it is boiled vegetables or boiled meat.

In the past, as an Internet person, Tuntun usually didn't get off work until nine or ten o'clock. Even if he wasn't hungry, he always wanted to eat some fruit or drink some wine. For a long time, she would choose to have late-night snacks every night. Later, she learned through fitness bloggers that alcohol was very high in calories, so she gave up drinking alcohol and replaced it with fresh coconut water. Snacks and other drinks are also eliminated.

Once she gets the idea of ​​eating late-night snacks, she will immediately dance Liu Genghong's "Shuttlecock Exercise". As long as she survives the first 5 minutes of resistance, as her blood flows and her heart rate rises, she will get into the state of aerobics. Replenishing water after exercise can help Tuntun avoid the urge to eat.

Occasionally, when I have exhausted all my strength to resist the work pressure, Tuntun will have a struggling mood in his heart: "I have eaten very little today, can I not exercise and let myself go for a day?" Or, "Practice a few more sets tomorrow and practice today's portion together."

Another strategy for losing weight is calculating a "calorie deficit," which is the difference between the calories your body burns and the calories it takes in during a day. Once he eats food that exceeds the standard, Tun Tun will punish himself.

One afternoon, she ate a slice of whole-wheat bread given to her by a colleague, and at dinner she allowed herself nothing but cabbage and broccoli. Occasionally, in order not to spoil the interest of her friends and colleagues, she would eat extra snacks or snacks and then quietly vomit them away where no one was paying attention.

Regular weekly exercise and controlled dietary intake can reduce weight, but they also have negative effects. It caused Tuntun's sleep quality to deteriorate. For nearly half a month, she often had insomnia until two or three o'clock. Cutting back on sugar, salt, and oil also made her notice that she was depressed and even had mood swings.

When Tuntun participated in weekly improvisational drama rehearsals, she found it harder to laugh. In the past, this was an activity that allowed her to immerse herself in happiness. "If I drink a cup of milk tea, will I feel happier because of the high sugar content?"

Between happiness and losing weight, Tuntun chose the latter. She believes that if she can reach a goal she has set for her BMI and body shape, she will automatically be happy.

"I'm only 1.62 meters tall. Just think about it and you'll know that I'm a fat girl. I haven't lost weight in more than ten years. I'm very curious. If I can really lose weight to more than 50 kilograms, what will my body look like? What will my posture be like, and how will people’s evaluations change when they see me?" She then laughed and said, "By then, will everyone think that I am a vase?"

Tuntun likes to wear long skirts on weekdays, sleeveless gauze dresses with colorful geometric patterns, or pure white ruffled puff-sleeved skirts. They all play the same function, covering the thighs and body. When going out to play, Tuntun would tie up Nezha's hair. This kind of outfit is in line with her friends' impression of her "cute style". When she goes to work, she prefers to wear loose overalls.

"But I really want to try hot girl, cool girl style clothes, I think that's who I am." She found a photo of a girl with a petite figure, which is what Tuntun wants to be like - face, figure Without a trace of fat, she was wearing a black navel-baring vest, a black pleated skirt, and silver jewelry. She stood under the sunset with the afterglow of the sun on her back.

In one and a half months, Tuntun lost almost 5 kilograms and 8 centimeters from her waist, which was truly reflected in other people's evaluations of her. Once, she met a leader she had worked with before on the road, and the first thing she said when he saw her was to compliment her on how beautiful she had become. Tuntun was particularly happy.

Tuntun hopes that one day he will be able to eat without worrying about it and eat whatever food he wants. In order to have a delicious Cantonese meal, she once went to a Cantonese restaurant more than ten kilometers outside the city. As a Cantonese, she hopes to eat slowly, eat the original taste of food, and feel the multi-layered texture and taste of food. "I hope that when I eat tomatoes, I can chew them and feel the sour taste and sweet taste, rather than a single taste."

But what she is looking forward to more is: "Accepting my current figure and accepting my sudden desire to eat ice cream in the summer."

Whether on social media or in real life, no matter how thin a girl is, we rarely hear this girl accept and appreciate her body condition. No matter how thin you are, you can still be thinner.

How to truly accept yourself? In other words, how to find a balance between acceptance and change so that you can have a more confident and calm life? Maybe Tuntun, or any woman experiencing eating anxiety, is trying to find her own answers.

at last.

This is the story of three girls living with eating anxiety. More deeply, it is the story of how women face their own life problems.

Occupational pressure, intimate relationships, family of origin, social evaluation system... eyes from all sides have entered every aspect of women's lives. When they face or even resist these difficulties, eating becomes an emotional outlet or a way of self-limitation. The body and food have also become their own battlefields.

Of course, these three women do not represent all people with eating anxiety. People of different genders and ages have their own anxieties and dilemmas. Among the people we come into contact with, teenage students need to face academic pressure, women after pregnancy need to diet in order to get back in shape, women over thirty years old have to bear the problem of slowed body metabolism, etc.

The girls’ stories make us understand that when people are anxious and ashamed about eating, maybe the problem does not lie with them or the food. "Reject body anxiety", "control your emotions", "don't cater to other people's aesthetics", "shut your mouth and open your legs" may temporarily solve anxiety about diet and body, but at the same time, these words only It can become a frivolous slogan but cannot get to the core of the problem.

But the little hope when facing these problems may be like what Weiwei said in the documentary: "I hope everyone can relax a little bit, in all aspects of daily life, not just eating, but also your work, your life."