Tiger Reading Does Not Eat Children｜Alice Miller - Intergenerational trauma caused by parents who lack love

A few days ago was the first time I was truly alone in the past two years. Although it was daytime, I suddenly felt uneasy deep inside my heart: on the one hand, I felt empty in my heart, with a feeling of not knowing what to do; on the other hand, the shock and sadness I had experienced in the past five years came together as if they had been agreed upon. The top of my heart turned into a waterfall pouring down, making my whole self seem to melt into the sad emotions.

After eating, I suddenly thought of Alice Miller and one of her books I had recently read. In fact, I have been deeply inspired after reading a series of works by Alice Miller. The title of this book is " The Drama of Being a Child: The Search for the True Self ." Miller mentioned at the beginning of the book that in order to gain personal integrity, we all need to go through a long process to discover our "personal truth." In this process, feelings are more important than "wisdom".

Reading Miller's words is like listening to a story told by an elder who really cares about me. It can not only comfort my feelings at the time, but also help me clarify the reasons for my uneasiness.

What I want to say today is that at the beginning of this book, Miller gives several general assumptions to explain the relationship between parents and children, individuals, and the individual’s childhood experience discussed in her book. I wanted to write them out because I feel that these bullet points are actually a good walk through, clearly showing the possibility and context of intergenerational trauma (Chinese is not a direct translation of English).

1. The child has a primary need from the very beginning of her life to be regarded and respected as the person she really is at any given time. [ Miller mentioned that parents should be able to respect the child's self at any time ]

2. When we speak here of 'the person she really is at any given time,' we mean emotions, sensations, and their expression from the first day onward . [Miller went on to explain that respecting the child's self at that moment starts from the time the child is born. This does not mean that a child’s needs are not paid attention to in the first one or two years after birth (many people will think that the baby will not remember the crying if it is ignored, but they do not know that the two years after birth are a very important period). 】

3. In an atmosphere of respect and tolerance for her feelings , the child, in the phase of separation, will be able to give up symbiosis with the mother and accomplish the steps toward individuation and autonomy. [If the child grows up in an environment where the child's feelings If children are respected, then when they are separated from their parents, the children will be able to better handle the state of symbiosis with their mothers and make great strides towards the formation of their own individuality. The opposite is not true. 】

4. If they are to furnish these prerequisites for the healthy development of their child, the parents themselves ought to have grown up in such an atmosphere. If they did, they will be able to assure the child the protection and well-being she needs to develop trust. [If the child grows up when the above prerequisites are met, then there is a high probability that the child’s parents will also grow up in such a healthy environment. People who grow up in such a healthy environment can ensure that their children have the protection and trust they need as they grow. 】

5. Parents who did not experience this climate as children are themselves deprived; throughout their lives they will continue to look for what their own parents could not give them at the appropriate time - the presence of a person who is completely aware of them and takes them seriously [However, children who do not grow up in such a healthy environment will be very lacking even as parents; because in their lives, they will always pursue what they lack, and their parents will not be able to provide them with them at the time they need. something given to them. This kind of thing is the complete and exclusive attention and attention from the parents . 】

6. This search, of course, can never fully succeed, since it relates to a situation that belongs irrevocably to the past, namely to the time right after birth and during early childhood. The situation associated with this terrible deprivation was in the past (more precisely after birth and early childhood) and cannot be changed. 】

7. A person with this unsatisfied and unconscious (because repressed) need will nevertheless be compelled to attempt its gratification through substitute means, as long as she ignores her repressed life history. This sense of lack will always be satisfied by looking for substitutes. As long as he doesn't face up to his suppressed sense of lack that lingers in his subconscious, he won't be able to understand what the many substitutes he is pursuing are. 】

8. The most efficacious objects for substitute gratification are a parent's own children. The newborn baby or small child is completely dependent on his parents, and since their caring is essential for his existence, he does all he can to avoid losing them. From the very first day onward, he will muster all his resources to this end, like a small plant that turns towards the sun in order to survive. [Of all the alternatives, the most effective is their own children. Their own newborns or young children are completely dependent on their parents, because parental care is indispensable for the baby or young child's survival, and the baby or young child will do whatever it takes to avoid losing their caregiver. . From the first day of life, all the resources at hand for the little baby will be used for this purpose. It's like a small plant turning to the sunny side in order to survive. 】

(-- The Drama of Being a Child by Alice Miller)

Writing here, Miller has actually pointed out the reasons for the tragedy. Since parents themselves are still subconsciously pursuing the lack of love, they naturally choose the easiest way to obtain complete attention from their own children unconsciously. Because any child at the beginning of life will give all his attention to his parents in order to survive. This undivided attention can easily be used as a substitute by a loving-starved parent . When a child is claimed by his parents, in my opinion, it is easy for a situation like the "personal role reversal" mentioned by Kato Teizo to occur. Children who grow up in such a family atmosphere are deprived of their childhood prematurely and need to try to appease their parents' emotions and bear their parents' emotional burden very early on.

Alice Miller is an experienced psychologist. She once belonged to the Freudian school of psychoanalysis. After many years of clinical consultation and thinking, Alice Miller discovered that a person's most important factor in mental illness is The crux of the struggle is each person's unique childhood experience. In order to study the patient's childhood experience in depth, she quit the school of psychoanalysis because Freud chose to create a theoretical system that was biased towards victim blaming when she discovered that her patient had childhood trauma. This was Alice Miller Cannot agree. The research she conducted and the books she wrote all chose to believe the victims and work side by side with them to clarify childhood trauma, get out of the haze, and find their true self again.

Many of Alice Miller's books feature her own paintings on the covers. It should be watercolor. She seems to use a very dreamy and vague way to interpret the relationship between mother and child in the beginning of life - the mother holds the child in her hands, looks into each other's eyes, and the mother gives the child complete attention. and love, respecting the child's existence and the child's needs from that moment on. ♥️