When HIV put me to death and then came back to life - "Yang" novel x illustration creation exhibition after viewing (with works online version)

Aug 16, 2022

"HIV now only occupies one minute of my morning and the minute of taking medicine." - Li Yangli, author of "Yang", at the film screening and sharing on June 19. The South Korean short film "Going My Home" tells the story of Yong-geun, an HIV-infected person, who went back to his hometown to visit relatives. After the short film was broadcast, Li Yangli (Colby), the original author of the novel "Yang", spoke so eloquently at the screening. This kind of open-minded attitude is completely different from the gloomy feeling I felt when I first read the words of "Yang".

Written by: Rita
Text Editor: Chris
Website Editor: EQ

"HIV now only occupies one minute of my morning and the minute of taking medicine." - Li Yangli, author of "Yang", at the film screening and sharing on June 19.

In the open and slightly stuffy central garden of JCCAC in late June, a South Korean short film "Going My Home" with a somber tone and ending was shown. It tells that Yong-geun, an HIV-infected person, went back to his hometown to visit relatives. He was hesitant to say anything about his emotional state and infection. He failed to tell his loved ones that without the support of his partner, he could only leave sadly and take good care of himself.

After the short film was broadcast, when faced with questions from HIV-infected people about their influence on daily life and gay identity, Li Yangli, one of the three curators of the "Yang" Novel x Illustration Creation Exhibition, and also the original author of the "Yang" novel (Colby) talked so eloquently at the screening. This kind of open-minded attitude is completely different from the gloomy feeling I felt when I first read the text of "Yang" in the exhibition on the 5th floor.

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"Yang" Novel and Illustration Exhibition (Online Edition)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cUaWo2My0uyO62VQ9mV8GFsnnDohcN4S/preview

The novel "Yang" is based on the author's own experience of contracting AIDS. It carefully, directly, and violently describes the process of "I" struggling in the ocean after testing positive for HIV: sometimes it is the desire to be loved and loved. The struggle of caring, being forgiven, and denying yourself worth it; sometimes it's just the struggle of continuing to pursue lust and survival. The medical explanations and comforting tone of nurses and social workers throughout the whole text are in sharp contrast with the tension in the community's intuitive antipathy towards HIV, which is shocking. With the characteristics of anonymity, they wantonly and ferociously review victims - victims who have been emotionally hurt and infected with HIV. At the same time, the text of "Yang" also has a strong sense of death. From ex-boyfriend Lu Junguang hanging himself to the cat being strangled to death, the novel came to an abrupt end under the suicide attempt of "I", which really gave people a feeling of depression.

After the screening that day, I learned that "Yang" was actually a work written by the author, Li Yangli, when he was 18 in the first year of college, when he was just diagnosed with HIV. Throughout the university period, from screaming in panic to accepting calmly, from public announcement to sometimes concealment, the support and doubts of the predecessor or predecessor, all the suffering and pain, to some extent, led to his attempt at the Dawei Railway Station early last year. Suicide by jumping off the rails. At almost the same time, Maizi completed the first illustration for "Yang". It was a friend who was worried but unable to help, the only support he could do. Later, when I met HEvolution, the "Yang" novel x illustration creation exhibition was reborn in front of the audience.

The poster of "Exist after Love: "Yang" Novel x Illustration Creation Exhibition", in addition to novels and illustrations, also held a series of activities including literary dialogues, film screenings and sharing.

The first illustration of the novel "Yang" is also the starting point for planning the exhibition.

Physical and psychological trauma of virus carriers

"The blood crossed the purple boundary of the virus test strip and swallowed the surviving paleness." - Chapter 2 of "Yang"

The show comes at a good time -- in a time when almost everyone has tried their own rapid tests and the epidemic is still scary. Of course, it is not to say that there are two lines of rapid testing. It can be compared with the two lines of rapid testing of HIV virus antibodies. The two have completely different expectations for recovery. It's just that when the general public is "accustomed" to the fear of the epidemic, reading "Yang" may be able to experience a little "I"'s anxiety about waiting for the result, and the kind of self-awareness after learning that he has become a virus carrier. Once infected, from now on, I will no longer be the same as others, that kind of mixed feelings of loss, anxiety, fear, etc.

What's more, what can be felt between the words is the psychological burden of "I" after it is confirmed that it is positive. The pervasive stigma of HIV in society is still serious, and it is always linked to promiscuity, which makes "I" in the tangle of whether I should confess almost all the time. "It seemed that he realized that I was wearing a mask for a second, so he reluctantly turned his inconvenient body, and finally turned his back to me." There is no need to rise to the level of emotional or sexual relationships, daily life like taking the subway is enough to let go "I" are constantly in conflict and anxiety. On the one hand, "I" clearly know that taking the medicine, I am like a normal person, and will not carry the virus to anyone; Only by putting up the brand name "Aids haunted" can the guilt and shame in my heart be wiped out for a short time.

"As soon as the subway shook, he almost fell backwards. As if he realized that I was wearing a mask for a second, he reluctantly turned his inconvenient body and finally turned his back to me." - "The Yang" Chapter 2

In emotional and sexual relationships, such feelings of guilt and anxiety are of course presented by a multiplier effect: if you don’t admit it or don’t mention it, you can of course avoid the anxiety of sincere and mixed rumors, but sex must be done in the way you don’t want it. , but it is carried out under the guilt of others; but it can be admitted, and I have to expose myself to the anxiety that I may be broken up and discriminated against, and it goes on and on. As a result, "I" often begins to self-censor before making a decision: I lie to my close friends for fear of being discovered, and I simply keep a distance in the crowd.

portrayal of the gay community

"After a few days, they were still talking about Hollister's and UNIQLO's new clothes deals, and who was dating and who broke up and reunited. Horses run, dances dance." - "The Yang" Chapter 10

Another point that impressed the author is that the author reflects the cultural phenomenon of the gay community through his own experience: as long as "fun" is touched, other things seem to be less important. Those pleasures are sometimes superficial, formal entertainment and consumer culture, sometimes gossiping about other people's feelings, sometimes acquired through sex. These fleeting pleasures are both degrading and deeply immersive, because they carry a sense of ease that forgets pain and repression. After the screening, I asked Colby, "After all these years, do you think the culture of the gay world has gotten better?" He almost immediately shook his head with a wry smile.

"I thought we were all comrades and helped each other in the same boat. They would be somewhat compassionate and considerate towards me." This wrong expectation that the so-called fellow travelers can give more care and empathy is familiar to the author. Feeling: I once thought that if I stepped into this circle, I would be able to get protection around the furnace. However, whether it is the unspoken rules in dating apps, the requirements and persistence for labels, or the moral boundaries of feelings and sex... Sometimes people in the group are more vicious and unfriendly. When it is thought that everyone is actually longing for a stable partner in an intimate relationship, the sincerity of delivering without hesitation is ridiculed and ridiculed. Compared with the lesbian circle as I know it, in the gay group, the demand for eroticism seems to be stronger, and the atmosphere of fun is more distinct.

"I once posted anonymously on the Hehe Secret Page, understating that I had sex with others, and I got HIV, I don't know what to do." - Chapter 6 of "Yang"

Even though the text of "Yang" is written by the author ruminating about his own experience, whether it is "I" recalling the failure of the first sexual experience, the panic of being inserted; Self-deprecating is asking for trouble and getting syphilis... both give people a sense of misplacement. Obviously longing for the support of a stable relationship, but in the dating app, he changed his self-introduction from "0 boy to boyfriend" to "0 boy to fun". The kitten seems to take everything lightly, whether it is the lightness and non-negotiable comfort of laughing at "I" after learning that "I" is HIV-positive; Quick money, he didn't seem to care at first.

It wasn't until "I" came across a kitten in a special internal medicine clinic who tried so hard to cover up that he had been there, and the kitten had to admit that sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV and syphilis really eroded people's minds. At the beginning, the light comfort was only because there was no immediate pain. It was no longer a question of whether it could be cured, how much it would affect daily life, or even a question of who was betrayed or infected; Personally ruining and depriving yourself of the right to be loved in the future, and the right to maintain daily life, can really make the kitten cry on her arm.

"The elevator door opened, and a young man came out wearing a dark blue cap, a black mask from Ha Han, and a gray long-sleeved hoodie... The beauty mole on his right eye told me that he was a kitten." - Chapter 8 of "Yang"

The kitten's ending also hints at the ChemFun's culture of using drugs during same-sex sex. The phrase "syphilis, ecstasy, sex parties, prostitution, hotel openings, the sum of all the words is Hong Kong gay men." At first glance, it seems that he is deepening the label of gay lasciviousness and depravity, but the hidden depression is like Colby's lament after the broadcast of the second Malaysian short film "A Cohabitation": the plot of the comedy ending is old-fashioned, Chicken soup, but if you have a choice, who doesn't want to be understood by your partner and people around you and be happy?

"The kitten was later strangled by a man with a leash. Both of them took ecstasy and lay naked on the hotel bed." - "The Yang" Chapter 10

After being infected with HIV, Colby did not have a hard time facing the other half like the protagonist in the film; because the test that was positive at the time was done with him by the boyfriend at the time. Although it is understandable, Colby bluntly said that sometimes he still feels the suspicion of the other party when he gets along with him: "Once he suddenly had a fever and felt uncomfortable, and suddenly asked if it was because he was done with me!" At that time, Colby was in a more unstable mood. State, he bluntly said that it was a very heart-wrenching experience. After listening and watching Colby's openness at the screening, I feel that whenever I recall the connection between small things in my relationship and HIV, his tone is still sad and helpless.

So, is HIV really killing me and then living?

From the text that was originally submitted and won, to re-reading and facing my own experience before and after planning the exhibition; from the attempted suicide at the end of the novel, to the real life plan to jump off the rails and commit suicide and post the news on Instagram Story. From the original article "drawing blood for a lifetime, taking medicine for a lifetime, as Miss Chen said" , now I can take the initiative to say that "HIV now only occupies one minute of my morning and the minute of taking medicine." From the perspective of results , Although HIV has not disappeared, it seems to have become a part of the body that can be calmly accepted.

The author changed the original title of "exist after love" to a stronger "death and then life", because I felt that when I wrote "Yang", the old Colby had died with the suicide attempt at the end of the article, and to a certain extent. Reborn through this exhibition. So, is it better for daily life and the pursuit of love to face HIV now and in the future? Not necessarily, because apart from HIV, there are many other challenges in life and intimacy.

HIV is like a layer of protection that is almost ashamed but reassuring. When it exists in love and life, it can make people ignore other problems. However, as it is gradually controlled, like the protection of sexual peeling, Colby is more able to face up to and return to the basics of emotion: those failed loves, perhaps unconscious emotional blackmail, perhaps the defects found during the run-in, and HIV itself It doesn't matter. Being put to death and living again is not because the HIV virus has been completely dead and cured, and it has nothing to do with me since then; it is that even if it still exists in my body, I have been able to survive and live as safe as possible. Maybe something else broke me, but it wouldn't be HIV anymore; or it was the HIV experience that gave me the courage to face the things that would break me.

In the illustration of the last chapter of "Yang", the protagonist is half-kneeling in front of the circle that looks like a black hole and a sun, forming an interesting contrast with the back of the cover looking up at "Yang".

"Exist after Love: "The Yang" Novel x Illustration Creation Exhibition" was held during Pride Month. Colby shared after the screening that the opposite of Pride is actually Shame. This kind of shame is to admit the immaturity of his words, the negative emotional rendering of his content, and the admission that he once regarded HIV as the core of his emotional problems... But so what? After things changed, he said that maybe the purpose of the exhibition was to bring out "It's okay not to be okay". Acknowledging that one has been in pain, lost, and fallen into a desperate situation is the only way to be reborn. Although the exhibition has ended, you can still read and review the full text and illustrations of "Yang" online at any time, and feel the dialogue and power between the lines and the illustrations.