Tiger reading does not eat children | "Dear Ijeawele" for you raising a daughter

[Written in front of the words: The first month of the first month is coming to an end, and the magazine "Character Bound" has launched the second issue of solicitation. I hope to see your modern poetry. What kind of picture can it show? Contributions are welcome. 】

" Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions " by Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is an epistolary booklet, perfect for working moms to read while commuting, and one of my more recommended and favorite books. The author was asked by a close friend how to support her daughter, so she took the opportunity to write a book of fifteen tips for mothers with daughters. In fact, mothers with sons can also take a look. These fifteen parenting suggestions are very good. Here are some key points of the fifteen:

1. " Be a full person. Motherhood is a glorious gift, but do not define yourself solely by motherhood. Be a full person. "

Be a whole person, or rather, be a full person. Glad Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie put this one in the first suggestion. Many women devote themselves to "parenting" after becoming mothers, completely losing "self", but injecting or imposing "self" on their children. Since then, every time the child asks for "self", it will be accompanied by Guilt, the mission of the child becomes the fulfillment of the mother's "self". This is what Doyle emphasizes over and over again in Untamed. As a mother, the best parenting is to let your children see your courage and vitality in the face of life. To be a fulfilled person, a person with vitality and vitality. A complete person is not defined only by the word "mother".

2. "Do it together."

"Do it together" here refers to avoiding "widowed parenting." It is necessary for the husband and wife to participate in the process of parenting together, instead of saying that the father is grateful for changing diapers. The necessary courtesy between each other should be required, but the responsibility of parenting requires two people to do it together.

3. " Teach her to question language. Language is the repository of our prejudices, our beliefs, our assumptions. But to teach her that, you will have to question your own language."

The questioning of language begins with oneself, and at the same time, teach children to question language. Language is what we teach our children, they never speak every word, they are all learned from us and the surrounding society. However, there are many distortions in language, which requires parents to reflect on their own at the same time. Try not to communicate with your child in these languages. For example, many parents like to call their children "insulting names", "stinky babies", "unlucky ones", "little fools", etc., but they are full of love when they address their children. Even so, these insults The words "stupid" and "stupid" will make children remember and confuse them, and let them associate "love" with these derogatory words. When they grow up in the future, when they really understand the meaning of these derogatory words. After meaning, you may enter into another kind of verbally abusive intimacy.

4. " Never speak of marriage as an achievement. "

Don't brag about being "well married" as a great achievement. This one is especially for daughters. I agree and I don't agree. Agreeing is naturally the author's point of view, but disagreeing is because marriage does matter, but it's important but not something that can be shown off as a personal achievement. Marriage is important because you should choose the right person when you enter the marriage hall, but not getting married does not mean you are a failure.

5. “ Many girls think of the “feelings” of those who are hurting them. This is the catastrophic consequence of likeability. ⋯⋯ Tell her that if anything ever makes her uncomfortable, to speak up, to say it, to shout. ”

This is so important. As a girl, since childhood, she was taught how to please others, men and women, young and old, need to please, and it is best not to show any edge. Many times, we want to be liked by the people around us, starting from pleasing our parents, we have embarked on a road of no return. I've had the same experience with my female friends around me - taking responsibility for the feelings of those who hurt us. Even if the person on the other side leaves us bruised and bruised, we still care about their feelings. No, tell your child that if anything makes him uncomfortable, he must speak up, speak up, even to his parents. When I read this sentence over and over again, I want to cry. My short life has been responsible for constantly hurting my parents' emotions and feelings, and even though they scarred my spirit, I still think about their feelings. It's time to stop this generational twist in your own children. As an adult, learn to take responsibility for your own emotions and feelings and regulate yourself instead of holding a child accountable for it. It is even more important for girls to say "no" to people or things that make them uncomfortable. Perhaps, this "no" word can save a person's life.

6. “ People will selectively use “tradition” to justify anything . Tell her that a double-income family is actually the true Igbo tradition because not only did mothers farm and trade before British colonialism, trading was exclusively done by women in some parts of Igboland.”

Yes, people really do selectively rationalize anything with so-called "traditions", as long as the rationalization doesn't jeopardize their vested interests and peace of mind. Not only the Igbo in Africa, but also the bad habits and even the anti-human practices in China's urban and rural areas have been wrapped in a golden coat by various "traditions", as if "traditions" are unchallenged, and traditions are unbreakable. Tell your daughter that "tradition" has no such power.

7. "If she likes makeup, let her wear it. If she likes fashion, let her dress up. But if she doesn't like either, let her be . Don't think that raising her feminist means forcing her to reject femininity ."

I've always felt like I was a radical feminist for a long time in my life, but that doesn't mean I don't dress up or reject my feminine side entirely. When I was a child, I never saw nail polish at home, but I liked it very much, but I was never allowed to apply it 💅. After independence, I went out of my way to buy nail polish and apply nail polish, even if I was taught by my mother that a woman who wears nail polish is not a serious woman... Why can't this child hug what he likes, even a lipstick, Brings brilliance to the feminine side of your daughter. Let her be. I was never allowed to just simply be me.

8. “Teach her to question our culture's selective use of biology as “reasons” for social norms. ”

That's right. Girls will have worse academic performance than boys after menstruation. It is bullshit, and it should be shameful to say it from female teachers or matriarchs.

9. “ Talk to her about sex, and start early . It will probably be a bit awkward, but it is necessary.”

"The Talk" is important. It should not be a source of stigma like the parents did.

10. "I don't mean you should be her "friend"; I mean you should be her mother, to whom she can talk about everything."

Many mothers advertise themselves as "friends" that their children can talk about, out of pride. I used to think I had a good mother for this too. However, what a child needs is not a "friend", what a child needs is and has always been a mother, a mother who can talk about everything. Becoming a child's "friend" is actually quietly taking away some of the responsibilities of being a mother, and wanting to let the child as a "friend" to share the same emotional burden for yourself as a friend, completely ignoring that this is not the child's responsibility, It's not something any child should face. A mother who claims to be her child's "friend" is irresponsible and cunning, exploiting the reciprocity of the "friend" role to ask her child to listen to her "sorrow" and throw emotional baggage on her child. Be the mother that you want to have.

11. "In teaching her about oppression, be careful not to turn the oppressed into saints. Saintliness is not a prerequisite for dignity. People who are unkind and dishonest are still human, and still deserve dignity."

There is no doubt that women in most countries and cultures are oppressed. Don't turn the oppressed into saints, you must use your own chastity arch to prove your innocence. Everyone deserves human dignity. Oppressed women do not have to live as virtuous women or nuns to gain a sense of understanding from society.

12. "Teach her never to universalize her own standards or experiences. Teach her that her standards are for her alone, and not for other people. This is the only necessary form of humility: the realization that difference is normal."

Use such sentences as "what I know..." and "what I have come into contact with..." to limit the point of view to one's own experience and experience. how. Avoid such habitual generalizations. Understand that your experience is always limited, not that it is always the case. For a long time, my mother advised me to "don't marry a rural person". However, she was only married to a rural person. My friend's parents are from poor rural areas, and their love is as usual, which has made me envious for many years. Again, we are all slaves of our past experiences. Realizing that doesn't mean everything, otherwise, why would a child or anyone continue to explore, why should they look forward to tomorrow.

After reading this booklet, I feel more refreshed than the author's book "We Should All Be Feminists", and a wind of optimism is blowing in my face, as if raising my daughter according to the fifteen suggestions in this booklet, you can avoid a lot, just All is well. Naturally not. The fifteen points she gave are actually reflections as a daughter, observations and reflections as a woman. If mothers care about these reflections from their daughters, then it is true love. I don’t know how many times, as a daughter, I tell my mother how I want to be treated again and again, but my mother never pays attention, and my behavior is even worse. Baby". I think if you really love someone, whether it's your child or your husband, when he tells you straight up how he wants to be treated, and your way has hurt him, is it "deep love" "Won't you change for him? Do you as parents know that you will never lose your child even if you don't change? Is this what it means to be a parent without fear? What a sense of security this is. The words "love" and "missing" are really worthless. The daughter you raised was just treated like a fool again and again, and when you were young, you trained her to know that calling you "little fool" is how your parents love you. I hope that parents all over the world will stop being at odds with each other, and stop uncontrollably abusing the power they get from their children after becoming parents on their children, even calling it "this is love". "Love" is a feeling, it can be felt, not just talked about. Love ta is to reflect a lot in the process of raising ta, and when ta is raised as an adult, ta will naturally give feedback with love. On the contrary, it must be a backlash.