【Transgender】Towards the Light: The Gender Affirmation Journey of Hong Kong’s Transgender Gays

Written by: Jansen

Text Editor: Coco

Website Editor: EQ

[Transgender] On the last day of February this year, Zephyrus took a photo. He only completed chest flattening surgery in Thailand a month and a half ago. He was supposed to wear a compression garment for half a year to reduce swelling and improve scars, but in order to take a good picture, he temporarily took off the pressure fabric that tightly wrapped his upper body. At that moment, Zephyrus finally "re-felt the feeling of the skin sticking to the fabric (fabric) of his shirt". He recalled that time was full of joy and confidence, "keep reminding himself that he can be straight and straight."

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Since Form 6, Zephyrus's clothes and skin have been separated by a thin layer. Before he came out with his parents, Zephyrus secretly tied his chest after leaving the house. During that period, he had a recurring dream: he was playing in the street wearing a corset, when he suddenly saw his mother in the distance, he was so frightened that he turned around and ran away.

"If I can't (weigh) get my identity, I won't be able to take care of other people because I can't live."

Lies and evasion inevitably lead to estrangement and alienation. So in the ranking of intimacy, 27-year-old Zephyrus put his relationship with himself first, "If I don't get my identity, I can't take care of other people, because I I can't live."

"What about identity?" means that his female body and cognitive gender are misaligned - he thinks he is a man. Gender misalignment has tortured him for decades, until he started taking male hormone drugs more than three years ago, lived as a man, and assembled the transgender community to bravely speak out and express himself, and then he gradually found himself. In early January this year, he quit his job at the HA and flew to Bangkok to have his chest flat. Having achieved this task at the top of his life list, Zephyrus can finally begin to fully mend his love and pursue his dreams.

However, the journey has only just begun. As a gay transgender, Zephyrus went all the way to get his parents to understand and accept his true gender, but when he finally brought home a male partner, would it fall short? When he comes to the point of talking about marriage with his lover, in Hong Kong where same-sex marriage is not legally recognized, should he give up his return to his true identity and continue to sign papers with his lover as a woman to start a family? In 2020, he and his friends founded "Trans Youth Moment", an organization that focuses on transgender youth in Hong Kong. However, in the face of the still conservative social atmosphere, how can he stand out from the siege?

The transformation witnessed by three photos

On the evening of January 10, 2022, Zephyrus arrived in Bangkok and underwent surgery three days later. Everything went fast and smoothly. After the anesthesia was withdrawn and he returned to the ward, the first thing Zephyrus did was to take a selfie and upload it to IG. Lying in a hospital bed with a white quilt, holding his favorite raisin-flavored jelly provided by the hospital in one hand, he smiled at the camera while wearing large-frame glasses, with the caption: Feeling great!

This photo documents Zephyrus's official release from gender dysphoria. During this trip to Bangkok, he published several IG stories every day, and posted details of the operation precautions on the Internet . He is so excited to share with the world every moment of joy and every change that this operation has brought him. But in fact, for days after the operation, Zephyrus had no very specific emotions other than excitement. Because the upper chest was bandaged, he continued to wear a compression garment, just like the previous corset, without the dramatic feeling of "suddenly the two old men are gone". It was only later when the nurse helped him untie the bandages while washing the wound that he felt real, "So I really did have an operation."

As a representative of the "Qiuqing", he has gradually become accustomed to speaking out in a high-profile manner in the process of defending rights for the community, active on social media, and actively sharing with the public a life that may sometimes be too secretive. This is 10 He was completely unimaginable years ago. High school photos, Zephyrus said he had already deleted them.

"Even when I'm waiting for the subway, although I can't see it clearly, it's disgusting to see the silhouette's body shape."

In today's film and television works that tell transgender stories, Zephyrus finds it unreal every time he sees the protagonists looking in the mirror and feeling sorry for themselves. He recalled that he avoided all mirrors when he was growing up because he felt that his body did not belong to him. "Even when I was waiting for the subway, although I couldn't see it clearly, I hated seeing a silhouette with a body shape." He therefore He spoke in a low voice, walked rudely, and subconsciously shivered his back, trying to make the raised upper chest disappear as much as possible, "If you walk fast and the wind is strong, you will wear your shirt all the time, so it's not good to stick to your body. "Hanbei's habit, even if he wears a corset, he still retains it.

Anxiety and disgust about his body persisted throughout middle school, and the only time he could catch his breath was when he was playing a male role in an English drama hall. That experience gave him a budding awareness of his own gender exploration. On his 18th birthday, he went to shovel his hair blue, wore a denim button-down shirt, and walked on the bustling streets of Mong Kok. He knew that this hairstyle would not last long, so he immediately took a sticker photo with his friends, recording the first time he was faithful to his own look.

Sure enough, when he came home with this short hair, his parents scolded him strongly. They even forced Zephyrus to ask if Zephyrus was a lesbian or a tomboy. He flatly denied it, not only because he was not prepared to admit it, but more importantly because he was also confused. It was not until he saw a report on the TV of a transgender man Wen Zeren (Xiaoqiang) that he realized that he was in the same situation as him.

"Whether she will die or not, she will be treated as a girl, so I will use a method of dying without a whole corpse."

This discovery made Zephyrus almost depressed for the first two years after entering college, and even had the idea of suicidal, struggling "whether she will be a girl when she will die, I will use a method of dying without a whole corpse. "It wasn't until he sought the help of a school psychologist in his fourth year of college that Zephyrus began to adjust his emotions and gradually became confident in confessing his gender identity to others. In the end, he should follow the advice of the counselor and see a psychiatrist for help. Subsequent drug transitions and coming out to parents set the psychological foundation.

After graduation, Zephyrus traveled to Italy. Among a bunch of pictures of scenery and buildings, he posted his first selfie on IG, when most of his classmates and relatives followed him. In the photo, he permed his slightly curly hair and cocked his mouth wickedly. The accompanying text reads: In case you haven't seen me in a while, I'm the new guy in town. My name's Zephyrus and I'm a transgender man in Hong Kong. New boy in town. My name is Zephyrus, a trans boy from Hong Kong.) Published on March 31, 2019, International Transgender Emergence Day.

Out of the closet triggered by a pair of leather shoes

For Zephyrus to become a brand new person, the first thing he did was change his name. "Zephyrus" comes from the beautiful and winged "God of the West Wind" in Greek mythology, who is in charge of the spring that represents the new birth, passionately fell in love with and destroyed a beautiful man, and finally married the goddess in charge of flowers.

Zephyrus also changed his feminine Chinese name. He has never mentioned the old name again, "Your name is what the housekeepers expected of you when you were born or before you were born. There is a gap in the family's expectations, or there is a difference between expectations (and actual), so he (former name) does not belong to me."

However, coming out with my parents was unexpected. Zephyrus was shopping with his parents that day and wanted to buy a new pair of leather shoes. His parents asked him to choose women's clothing, so after trying almost all the women's shoes in the store, he reluctantly picked a pair he didn't like. Zephyrus couldn't bear it anymore, and as soon as he entered the entrance, he got into a fight with his parents, blurting out that he was actually a transgender boy.

Zephyrus' parents had absolutely no idea what transgender was. Stunned and disappointed, they collapsed, thinking it was a selfish choice made by the "daughter". Zephyrus recalled the time, saying he had been crying, and years of gender unease had finally poured out. To his surprise, although his mother couldn't stop crying, she still listened and asked "so solemnly and carefully". And the father accepted it immediately, and even said something that would treat him as a son in the future.

After the sudden coming out, Zephyrus immediately went back to the shoe store and exchanged for a pair of men's leather shoes.

"You need to have a suitable identity, first you can study, work, and live well, and first you can be filial to the people who return to the house."

Since then, Zephyrus has justifiably started dressing unisex and wearing a corset at all times. In addition, he no longer has to force himself to speak in the voice of "no boy", and he can talk about any topic including gender with confidence, so that his communication with his parents is increasing day by day, and the topics cover daily current affairs and personal thoughts. Little by little, parents start to accept and start to change. From completely opposing drugs, to seriously considering the safety and side effects of drugs, accompanying him to the hospital for hormone injections, and finally sending him to the airport, allowing him to fulfill his dream in Bangkok, thanks to his parents' leniency.

Zephyrus admits that he never blamed himself too much for making his parents sad, because he "needs to have a proper identity, first to be able to study, work, and live well, and first to be filial and return to the house and business people." In his close relationship In the relationship ranking, after the relationship between yourself and yourself, the second is family, followed by love and friendship.

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Contradictions behind a wedding

Two weeks before flying to Bangkok, Zephyrus attended a special same-sex wedding in Hong Kong.

The groom is his friend Elson, a transgender boy. However, at the Marriage Registry and the wedding banquet that day, Elson's identity could only be a "bride"--because he had only completed a breast reduction surgery, Elson was still a woman in Hong Kong law; only his same-sex partner could be scolded when he took oath. called "husband". In addition to his legal gender, Elson also plays the role of bride in front of relatives and friends because his partner is not out. For a long time, he lied to his family that Elson was an athlete, so he would dress up as a "boy head", and his flat chest was due to "health problems". Elson's family, although knowing that Elson is transgender, still chose a man as their marriage partner, which is unprecedentedly happy and excited.

The wedding day, Zephyrus said, made him see the future of himself, and even the community, in a certain way. "The company is in front of the Marriage Registry, and it is written in big words: The Marriage Registry, living with two scumbags and living in the Scottish skirt company, and taking pictures with all relatives and friends, I think it is really good. symbolism."

"If I like boys again, it will conflict with my identity."

Sexual orientation and gender identity are intertwined in middle school like two clouds of smoke. It seems to be the same color, but the threads are distinct. Zephyrus still remembers the first time in his life the object of his heart was Chen Kun who played Fan Li in the TV series "Battle for Hegemony". His mind was full of Chen Kun, and he kept collecting his photos, but he told himself that he was not attracted to Chen Kun, but just wanted to find a "role model". In middle three, he has begun to treat himself as a boy, but "if I like boys again, it will conflict with my identity, so I don't care about my mother?" So he forced himself to pay attention to and like girls, He didn't realize he was gay until finally he totally rejected the female body and felt sick even touching other girls' boobs while hugging.

When he met his current boyfriend more than three years ago, Zephyrus hadn't started a drug transition. At that time, he was still worried about using the men's toilet. But after the boyfriend met for the first time, he sent a voice message, saying that he felt that Zephyrus was no different from a boy, and he was very similar to his first love boyfriend. Zephyrus said he listened to the speech many times at the time.

Therefore, Elson's marriage is instructive to Zephyrus, even though Zephyrus did not intend to have lower body surgery. Elson, who has studied in Taiwan for 10 years, has now immigrated and is waiting to bring her legal husband to Taiwan on a dependent visa. Elson was influenced by her husband and planned to complete his lower body surgery after giving birth to a child, and then live as a same-sex family.

On the day of the wedding, Elson still used the men's toilet. He didn't want to hide his true self in every detail on this day that was all his own. When the oath was being sworn in, hearing the Witness "choked" by calling himself "wife" was enough to cause regret. And these may be the situation that Zephyrus and every Hong Konger with similar identities will face in the future.

However, Zephyrus is not too worried about this for the time being. Since returning to Hong Kong from the operation, due to the worsening of the fifth wave of the epidemic, he has not yet had the opportunity to see his boyfriend. He said with a smile that the first thing he met was to "open a room first and look forward to a new experience".

A future where lyrics tell

The weather in Bangkok in early January was clear, and on the day of his discharge from the hospital, Zephyrus deliberately put on a new long-sleeved shirt with a white bottom and green leaves, "very Thai feel". Even if he couldn't wash his hair, he still took care of it very seriously.

"Social media, photography, appearance, self-image, and seeing yourself where you are with your peers are all related to gender transitions and gender consistency." After the operation, Zephyrus focused more on building his image, but no longer because What to hide out of inferiority. He was more confident and no longer worried about his preferences for certain colors and things being too feminine, because he had found his own body. He made a To-do list: improve cold back, walk with chest straight, exercise more to get bigger, regain interest in swimming, "go to boat P (boat party) to play games with the sun", IG Send meat photos "welfare" and so on.

"The world don't change. People change it."

In the longer term, he hopes to do something good for society, especially for the transgender community. During his quarantine period, he copied some classic lines from his favorite film and television works, one of which came from the American drama "Pose (New York Kaleidoscope)": The world don't change. People change it. .)

When his true self is formed, Zephyrus feels that he can finally pursue some of the things ordinary people pursue without distraction, including managing relationships with his family, pursuing love vigorously, and pursuing his dreams.

The lyrics class founded by famous Hong Kong lyricist Zhou Yiuhui in 2019 recruited the local transgender community as the main body of creation this year. The word for Zephyrus was titled "Freedom" . In the MV, a girl rescued a boy who was covered in graffiti deep in her heart. The singer sang firmly but gently:

"Even if it's not possible / acquiesce one by one / should allow it with the heart / run towards the light."

Original link G-spot TV