Those Toxic Parents: Read "Family of Origin: How to Fix Your Character Flaws"

There is an old saying in China "Parents who are perfect in the world", this sentence is actually very problematic, because it forcibly pulls parents to the altar of unquestionable, and denies the right of children to question and oppose their parents. I just read it recently After Dr. Susan Forward's "Family of Origin: How to Repair Your Character Flaws", some of the parts touched me a lot, and I believe that many people who read this book will find their own shadows in it to some extent.

The original English name of this book is Toxic Parents, that is, "toxic parents", and the book also uses the term "toxic parents" again and again, which is actually very appropriate. Because the impact of unhealthy original families on children is lifelong , the so-called "healing childhood with a lifetime", many of our psychological and emotional problems after leaving home in adulthood, such as self-doubt, anxiety, irritability, insecurity, etc., can more or less get along with our parents in our childhood In addition, most parents who have problems will not admit their problems, nor do they expect that their relationship with their children will change when their children become adults. However, the author does not intend to let their children complain and criticize in writing this book. Parents, it is more important to identify your own problem and face it head on, regain confidence and strength by gaining relief from negative parental relationships, and gain freedom and happiness.

The book describes many different types of "toxic parents," including incompetent, manipulative, alcoholic, physically abusive, verbally abusive, and even sexually abusive. Among them, the chapter on manipulative parents is really It touches my heart, because my parents, especially my father, are very typical manipulative parents, and even many sentences in the book are the original text of every call or message he calls or texts me to this day. "Do as I say, otherwise I won't care about you / give you money / cut ties with you" "You're just sticking a knife in my heart" "I'm doing this for your own good". Familiar? The most typical characteristic of manipulative parents is that after their children become teenagers or even adults, they still ask their children to do what they want and expect to be in control of their children in all aspects. They have a sense of loss when their children become independent. Morbid fear, and feeling betrayed or abandoned when the child has an independent mind and personality and makes a decision that is inconsistent with his or her own will. Such parents often prefer to maintain the child's sense of powerlessness so that the child will always obey In addition to controlling directly through words (such as threats, intimidation, humiliation), manipulative parents also use indirect, less explicit ways to try to control their children, such as by offering help (Not necessarily financially, it may be to help you with household chores) Let the children get used to relying on themselves, and when the children go against their will, take these help as the children's debt to them and ask the children to obey; another example is a very common emotion and moral kidnapping, when the children do not do what they want, they show extreme pain and even hurt themselves, so that the children feel guilty and guilty and finally have to obey. I believe that people who grew up in China and even in the eastern culture are very concerned about all this. More or less, there are too many examples of living under parental control into adulthood.

There is a "non-defensive response" in the book on how to deal with "toxic parents" that I find useful, especially when conflicting with parents. When we hear criticism from parents that threatens to demean, "do less" Respond, do more responses", that is, don't have a strong impact on your own emotions because of the other party's words, and don't immediately argue with the other party, but use some words such as "Oh I know/So of course you can think so/very much. I'm sorry you don't agree/I'm sorry to make you sad (angry, disappointed)" to respond to your parents. This is not only to reduce unnecessary conflicts, but also to exercise your emotions not to be easily controlled by your parents. We must Understand that if we want to get rid of the "toxic effect" brought by our parents, we must first learn not to base our happiness and self-worth on the approval of our parents, and at the same time, we should not change our parents' values and behavior patterns as our own good The way to feel. I think this applies not only to getting along with parents, but also to many interpersonal situations.

The purpose of this book is not to pit children against their parents, and in fact it is not necessary. If we realize that our emotional and psychological problems are related to our relationship with our parents, then we should still solve them ourselves. After all, as independent adults No one can or is obligated to be responsible for your emotions and feelings. Therefore, don't expect to see their transformation through a few confrontations with your parents, because the parents' thinking has long been fixed, and at this age it is almost impossible to There can be no big changes. We may have to admit the fact that our relationship with our parents will never change for the better in this lifetime, and we expect good communication with our parents or understanding, caring and support from our parents We can never get it. What we can do is to complete the process of psychological "detoxification" by ourselves, and if necessary, we may re-plan the way we get along with our parents, and at the same time understand this, that whether we are parents or children, we are independent. Individuals, no one is ultimately responsible for the other person's life.