#MainlandLifeRecord#Fighting my political depression

I've been in a bad mood recently, I hardly watch the news, and I don't browse matter much. But when I chatted with my friends and learned about what happened at Hong Kong Polytechnic, I still cried while walking, wiped my tears and held it back, and broke out again. After the district council elections, when the pan-democrats made a big comeback, thinking about what happened in the past five months, I couldn't help crying.

Feeling down to a certain point, I started to get bored with the low state, felt "I'm bored enough" and wanted to improve my mood. Start thinking about what this low mood is all about.

The first is the depression brought about by self-censorship. A colleague who was working on a project asked me, what is the most ritualistic thing you have done recently, and the colleague next to him replied that he went to the university to play an offline real-life immersive chicken meal. The first answer that popped into my head was that I was going to celebrate the results of the Hong Kong District Council election by having hot pot with my "second-class citizen" friends. But I didn't dare to say it, because I don't know if the other party thinks that "Hong Kong independence" should be wiped out and needs to be reported immediately. I hardly post any relevant information in the circle of friends, and Weibo is only used to scold people and never cross the line. This part of the true self, because of the risks that exposure may bring, is firmly repressed in its own body. Only when you meet a friend you can trust can you release it completely, take a long sigh of relief, and take a good breath of the oxygen brought by the meeting in the stratosphere.

The second is the powerlessness to face reality. In addition to being depressing, self-censorship has a serious psychological side effect of feeling like you can't do anything. When I feel dissatisfied with the status quo and want to do something to change it, I often find that the overall social atmosphere does not encourage thinking, speaking, or action. When I started thinking about how to solve the problem, and found that almost most of the problems point to a structural dilemma that almost an entire generation of people had to face, I also realized at the same time that all my dissatisfaction and anger Nowhere to vent. In the end, I found that it is not the specific individual who should be held responsible, and how to solve this dilemma is the proposition brought to everyone by the times itself.

Friends who have been denied a work visa by the United States, who should they blame? Trump? Without Trump, someone close to him would be elected. For fear of being reported and afraid to speak, who should I blame? Those who might report me? There would be another batch without them. Refugees fleeing from the Middle East to Europe, who should be blamed? Who invented borders? Without borders, without nationalities, human beings will still divide different people in various ways.

When this torrent called "era" suddenly washed over us, no one could escape the fate of choking and drowning.

The third is the bizarre anger of hindsight. This anger is so subtle that I didn't even notice it at first, ah, so I still have such emotions. When we were young, with the advent of Internet technology, everyone felt that the earth was about to become flat, and we all lived in a global village. But when we grow up into our twenties, we realize that the world is very different from the world adults told us when we were young. Internet technology has arrived, but the world has not flattened, and even I can't judge whether it has exacerbated the injustice. When I was a child, it seemed that I suddenly woke up in my body now. I wanted to ask the adults who told us that this world would become a global village. Why didn't you make this world what you promised us?

It is childish and naive to want to hold other people accountable when you grow up. Having lived a childhood and adolescence where girls were cursed, before I realized my political stance, I had a faint feeling that I didn't want to have a child (whether she or him). At that time, I just felt vaguely that I didn't want her to go through the education of "being ashamed of menstruation", that she had to face the accusation of "the girl's lack of stamina", and she didn't want him to accept the requirement of "a boy who doesn't cry easily" and accepted "a boy". Children have to carry the burden of the family.”

Now I realize even more that I don’t want to add a life to this world because of my will, and this life will suffer from a sense of isolation that I can’t trust the people around me. In the long life to come, this life cannot be free to become the person it wants to be, but it can only be polished into a screw that only works, sleeps, eats, entertains and does not think.

All the emotions were sorted out, and it became a little clearer how to deal with them.

The first layer of depression was relieved by the space provided by Matters and the sense of security brought by trusted friends. Continuing to recognize each other's identities by sharing the obscure articles in the circle of friends and seeing each other's identities among the friends who have already known each other, and also reconfirm the joy brought by the connection. If you don't want to get caught up in involution, reach out and hug a friend around you.

The second level of powerlessness and the third level of anger are essentially feelings of dissatisfaction with the world, but there is no way to start. This pain will probably be difficult to eliminate in my life, just look at how difficult it is for Bill Gates to do charity work. Since it is the pain of getting along with it in this life, it is like getting along with your aunt every month, and learning to get along with it.

Start by making yourself more powerful, cherish the opportunity to show kindness to the people around you, cherish the opportunity to speak for the "minority" of everyone, cherish your empathy, cherish your happiness, cherish The courage to live hard, cherish your anger and dissatisfaction, and your willingness to write and record.

Just start guarding this one-third of the acre, so that it will not be easily washed away by the tide of this era, and build a small safe and warm oasis for yourself and your friends. This is the best thing I can do right now.

I may not be satisfied with this answer a year ago. Today I want to be more tolerant, more relaxed, and more stretched towards myself. I don't know if I will be satisfied in a year, I just hope that I don't regret it as much as possible.