(17) Too much insincere

Recently, I talked with my mother about some things in the past. Everything is still very complicated, and there are some meanings that I can't explain clearly. I don't know if I found the answer I was looking for.

What is strange is that I have never been sick for a year when I wandered away by myself. I was just tired and anxious. After returning home, I seemed to relax suddenly and then suddenly had an unexpected severe cold. I slept drowsy for a few days, had a headache, felt being cared for and loved by my mother, and lay in bed, as if I had returned to my childhood and became a child again.

I watched "Black Sun" a few days ago and talked about serious illness in the city. In fact, illness is still a manifestation of vitality. Impurities and viruses in the body can escape from the body's enclosure in such a way. From the perspective of traditional Chinese medicine, this is Disease is also a "detoxification" process. I suddenly felt that all of this was oddly corresponding: I had wandered off and healed myself for a few years, back to where it all happened and started, my body and my heart with this bad cold, and the purpose of this bad cold is to make me feel better.

I feel like I'm back on the mom and sister team again. My mother told me a lot of things from the past. I talked about how my father wanted to kill my sister and bought a long knife just because my sister didn’t want to change his liver. When he beat my sister to death, my sister went to the hospital with her stomach covered. According to the B-ultrasound, after finding that my sister was not in serious condition, he just came back from the hospital and hit her again; after talking about my sister cutting off her little finger and leaving the broken finger to run away from home, my father flushed the broken knuckle of my sister into the sewer with disdain. , like a rotting fish bone; about the belt and stick that was broken while beating his sister, the selfish demands and squeezes, and his incomprehensible feeling good about himself.

My mother said that my father was an extremely selfish person. If there was an agreement in front of him that said, "Use the lives of the other three people in the family for your extra 50 years," he would definitely sign it. Maybe it's these that make my back feel cold. At this moment, I still seem to think that he doesn't love anyone, he just loves himself.

Sometimes things surprise me, and Dad often forgets that he has done evil. He seriously asked me one day, "Like my old lady, have I never hit you?" It really amazes me that he has forgotten so much of the beatings I've been through, except that he feels so good now that he loves me. Maybe a wicked person sometimes has such a posture. When he treats his sister and mother like a beast, he feels that he is "teaching" and "discipline" them; when he treats a dog like a beast, he feels that he is "teaching" them. and "rule" them; and all the struggles and pains I faced, he was just "teaching" and "rules" me.

He felt that he was never right. He felt that he was virtuous and kind, and that he had fulfilled the "man's duty" of a "moral person" and "head of the family", and thus felt satisfied and just.

It's so hopeless that without the cancer for all these years, he would not have been punished, and no one like him would have been punished. They are like bright cockroaches hiding in the dirtiest crevices of the human society, they can always step in and out of the crevices, shouting and arrogant.

Another fact that needs to be corrected is that a lot of domestic violence actually happened before my father got sick. He was diagnosed with cirrhosis when I was six years old and cancerous when I was ten years old. Before I was born, my sister and mother had already faced countless Desperate domestic violence. Sickness is not the cause of everything, nor should it be an excuse for him, all this can reveal is the evil of human nature.

Knowing this again, I seem to have returned to the team of my mother and sister. I told my mother that when my father died, I might regret it, and my mother said, "There is nothing to regret. The attitude of children toward their parents depends on their parents." In fact, it's right, I don't understand again, will I cry when he dies, will I be sad. For Dad, this is the last possibility. When he dies, his mother and sister will not be sad. They will be relieved. What about me, do I want to cry for him at the end?

I have no idea. At funerals, there will be children who fall into the basin to mourn the elderly. At that time, my mother said that when my father died, I wanted my sister to throw him in the basin, and when my mother died, I wanted to throw her. I don't think it's fair to my sister. My sister shouldn't want to throw a pot on Dad. She will feel awkward in her heart and give it to someone she hates. Does my sister also want to give her mother a ride at the end? I'm just thinking that if my sister loves her mother so much, she will also want to give it to her in the end.

My mother would think about these very distant things. She told me that I am the first in her heart at home, and my sister and her children should be in the back. These days when I go home, I stick to my mother's side. When I'm sick, my mother feeds me porridge by the bedside. I can be ill, and I don't have to force myself to take care of myself. Someone can take care of me. It really makes people feel So happy and grateful. I love mom.

I'm crying again when I write this. In the past few years, love has often stinged me, and love has made me so scared, so I only look for playmates, only the one who gives, and I dare not be a child. But I still have my mother, and I can be a child next to my mother. My sister also loves me very much, I can actually be a child.

I want to be a child.

Phew, don't cry baby. Do not cry. Outside of my mother, I don't dare to give myself to anyone. What I want to keep, I want to be independent and not ask for it. I will act like a spoiled child, but if I can't act like a spoiled child, nothing will change for me. It seems to be accustomed to reducing contact, more not sticking to anything in this world, and making myself as little hurt as possible from changes. This insecurity surrounds me all the time, not expecting any kind of relief. I can live my whole life like this, alone, and I don't feel that way. If there is a good love in front of me, I can not. It's good to have love, but not much necessary, I'm still a coward.

My mother told me that she wanted to go to the Potala Palace, Zhangjiajie, and many places by herself. He also said that he didn't want to go alone, but wanted to go with someone. I said I would go with her, and she said yes. I am a person who does not like commitments, because I pay attention to commitments, and because I promise, I will definitely do it. But in order not to worry my mother, I promised her a lot of rash things. I said that no matter where or who I live with in the future, as long as she wants to come and live with me at any time, I will take care of her; It will definitely make a lot of money; I also said I will definitely take her on a trip. She'll laugh when she hears this, and I'll always say it with trepidation. If I say it, I will do it, and these words I must say, if not, her life seems to be on thin ice in the future from now on.

In short, after looking back on my past for so long, I seem to gradually feel that all this is normal. Nothing but violence, nothing but poverty, nothing but disease, nothing but death, nothing but an unhappy marriage. These stories are all too common. I see the same kind of happiness around me so rare, and unfortunate people have their own misfortunes. There is nothing in my life that should worry me too much, life has always been simple and plain, with simple and plain misfortune. That's all.

I am a nice person and I love myself.