Know yourself: on yourself, or on others?

A good friend has been stranded in China for almost four months because of the epidemic. From her depression at the beginning of being confined at home, to the peace of finding a rhythm and writing, to the pressure and anxiety brought about by relatives and friends walking around in her hometown, as well as her recent self-doubt, I can clearly feel it from her. arrive.

She knew that I read a lot of messy books, and asked me if I had any recommendations on psychology. I asked her why she wanted to read psychology books. —I always have to know why I might recommend books that might help.

She said that she felt that she had never been happy since she was a child. When she saw her previous photos at home these few days, she had a straight face and never smiled. This state has been in this state since I was a child. I admit that, when I first met her, I felt that she was like a frightened little animal, staring at me (horribly), making me dare not talk to her. she speaks. It's been a few months since I officially started talking to her, and it was only after drinking coffee with another friend.

After thinking about it, I don't think I have read any particularly targeted books. However, (in order to understand myself), the few books I read sparsely are still regular. My conclusion is that your own problems can be discovered by yourself, and you need to face your own strength with reason and honesty.

Some people don't believe that they can find their inner answers by questioning themselves, I would recommend reading Krishnamurti's book series or youtube videos, you can learn how to have a quiet, peaceful dialogue with yourself, listen to your inner voice, and be honest with yourself . This self-inquiry mechanism will be summed up as “ask yourself five why” in some books introducing methodology. Of course, if you ask for help from a third party, you will let others interpret the potential in your subconscious through some methods such as painting and writing. Express.

The extremely difficult step in this process is that, facing the real reason, we are all prone to dodge, "So I'm so vain!", "So I've been so humiliated, I don't want to face it anymore!", "I just want to get the sincerity of my parents. It's just love, why do they always just complain and criticize!" And so on, it will make us dare not look directly at the real trauma, but will find alternative reasons to deceive ourselves.

Personally, it's hard for me to trust a person 100%, such as a psychologist, so it's very likely that I will avoid the real reason and be evasive, so I tend to question myself this way, because when I dodge, I know I'm dodging. I can drag it on and do in-depth inquiries, but at the same time, I will also know clearly that the real reason is underground. If I dig a little deeper, I will see it. What I need is courage and tenacity.

If you want to solve your own problems, you have to force yourself to stare at the wound and dig it down, even if the blood is blurred, you have to hold back tears and grit your teeth to look at it. Of course, you can also turn to a psychologist to find the real wound. But no matter which method, how to solve it in the end, the switch is still in your own hands and heart.

So, I told my good friend about my own feelings, and I recommended her to ask herself five why in everything. In my own experience, usually three whys know where the crux of the problem is - of course, how to deal with this situation is another matter.

I have a colleague who is a part-time psychologist, and I talked with him about this in general, and wanted to hear his opinion on the method of self-questioning. He said that as a psychologist, he would be very hesitant to ask why. He explained a lot, and my understanding is that he thinks asking why can be very painful for customers, because they may feel forced to do things that make them very painful, so in practice, he will use all kinds of rhetoric, gentle A gentle way to let customers find the crux of the problem by themselves.

I feel that this is comparable to how to ski from the top of the mountain to the foot of the mountain: if you ask yourself, you can decide according to your skiing ability, the snow conditions and mood at the time, whether to ski straight down from the top of the mountain, or go down the mountain by a detour, and be a little slower. , slow down; and if there is a third party (psychologist), there are several variables. First, the psychological consultant does not want to give customers a sense of compulsion - considering that we all have inertia, the consultant's consideration may be true. It will give me more courage, but it is also possible that I will be lazy with him (more high-sounding) instead of facing my own inertia - this is variable one; second, whether the consultant fully and objectively recognizes The strength of the customer, the snow conditions today and the mood of the customer today are also variables; thirdly, he will encourage the customer and accompany the customer down the mountain, which involves the customer doing this because of his own decision. Doing it because of the dependence on the therapist's company is another variable - which explains why the problem reappears as soon as many people leave the therapist.

So, I still feel like it's a better way to face myself so I know I'm lazy and I don't have the guts—that's part of self-knowledge, isn't it? - Then I will know that I have found the problem in myself, and what a power this is - to have this power, I should love myself better! —Look, it’s all rewarding no matter what!

Of course, my opinion does not involve generality. Everyone has to decide what to do according to their own situation. After all, only you know which pair of shoes fits better!