"I tried my best, just wanted to feel something"

It's been four years since Lily Allen's latest album, No Shame.

The public's evaluation of this piece is far inferior to her previous pictures. The reason is nothing more than that the old British swallow who was stunned was gone. She became a boring housewife full of repentance and introspection.

However, I liked this album for a while, for no other reason, just because a few songs were really close to my life at that time.

Like "Everything to Feel Something".

This is a very sad song, sad to the bottom, the melody is not very good in Lily Allen's other works, and the repeated "I'm heartache" in the lyrics is far less clear and interesting than "Fuck You".

But I always looped this song back then, just because it was so close to my life back then.

From the end of 2018 to the beginning of 2019, due to the preparation of the graduation thesis, I spent more time at home. The conflict with my mother also intensified.

The first thing that bears the brunt is my figure. I really gained a lot of weight in four years of college. When I was so fat, my dad came to pick me up. When he saw my appearance, he was sluggish for a while, and then he said politely, "Is it because I didn't pay attention to my diet..."

Body, body, body, it feels like no woman can get around it.

But I wasn't at the level of "just lose a little bit of weight" at that time. Obesity has kept me from having my period for a long time.

Moreover, it exacerbated my emotional numbness.

When my mother saw my appearance, she was anxious, and she naturally said nothing. She often saw me standing there, pointing at my stomach and scolding me.

Usually "you stop eating meat" is considered light, in short, everyone was miserable at that time.

Every time after scolding her, I would click on the song "Everything to Feel Something" and listen to the phrase "I'm heartache" over and over again...

I've tried everything

Everything

Everything

To feel something

But nothing

However, after the scolding and sadness, the numbness continued, and the self-defeating continued.

It wasn't until later, when I finally woke up and started to lose weight, that this endless scolding ushered in its end.

Now I'm going abroad. Due to the new crown, I haven't been home for nearly three years. My memory of my hometown will always stay in 2019.

A lot has happened in the past three years.

During the video call today, my mother was surprised and said to me, why have you lost weight again. My first reaction was "is there? No".

I guess it's because they haven't seen me for a long time that they feel that way. But when my mother said that, it felt like I was back a few years ago.

She used to say I was too fat, but now she says why I am thin again.

The haze in the past seems to be gone, but what I didn't tell my mother is that the reason why I control my weight so strictly is not only because I am afraid that I will gain weight again, but also because I really don't want to go back to the past, and I don't want to look back on those numbness. .

What others see as "normal" meal size, casual drinks, and desserts are "too much" for me.

Out for sushi with a friend, she had seven plates and I had four.

Maybe self-discipline, maybe nervousness.

But the only thing I can be sure of is that I don't have to "go all out and just feel something" anymore.