2019 | My abandoned heart will love you forever

In the few days near the end of the year, I went out frequently to meet friends, and New York was so warm that it felt like early spring even though it was the winter solstice. The weather was cold but clear. Walking on the street shrouded in the halo of dusk at four o’clock in the afternoon, I feel happier.

Christmas may be the last few good days before the snowstorm, because of the long and miserable January and February foreseen, there is also a sense of joy in the end of the long day, and the photos are constantly being taken along the road.

Unexpectedly, this is my fourth New Year in New York. My love for this city has not diminished at all. At this moment, I am even more surprised that I wanted to leave her, and I am very glad that I have not yet made the trip. I've always lived where I lived when I first came to New York. I don't know when the "home address" column can only be filled in there, and this reminds me time and time again that I don't have my own home in this world. .

On Christmas Eve, I had dinner with friends from the feminist circle in New York, and met a person we care about very much. He has become the focus of national public opinion several times in the past year. But the appearance of ta himself made my heart clear and determined, and I am also glad that we have reserved a safe space in the rough world for some people who have not yet surrendered to get acquainted.

After dinner we found a random bar for a drink, then walked the few blocks to a nearby church to hear the Christmas Eve chants near midnight. Although the streets are deserted, they are not empty, because there are too many foreigners in New York.

Originally, I thought that I had no interest in religious activities, but I wanted to take a few steps with my friends, and retreated after a quick glance at the church. Unexpectedly, I sat there until the end of the concert, and walked out with a different mood.

I remembered that on a certain Easter day several years ago, I was traveling in Dali, and a good Christian friend who went with me took me to a local church to listen to a hymn. She burst into tears when she listened to it. emotion. Today, I came to this church to listen to the hymns outside of the plan, and I was deeply moved and my eyes were hot.

It also reminds me of that distant friend—the scene of our first meeting eight years ago is still fresh in my memory. We are very speculative, often stick together, work together, travel together, fall in love and get married with each other. It was only at one point that we heard different calls from our hearts. She gave birth to the first and second children of her dreams, while I divorced, resigned, and went to another country to continue my studies.

Since we parted, we have lived completely different lives and faded out of each other's sight. But when the melody sounded again, I was amazed that at a certain moment in my life, I was finally able to respond to such an emotion, which seemed to be long overdue and touched my heart after a long time and space.

At this moment, I realized whether politics had exhausted me in the past year, so I started to be teased by the outside world again.

The impulse became more and more irresistible. As soon as I read the description of the wild scenery, my imagination was full of imagination, and I was even more excited when I recalled the journey. Just as danger makes one alert, and scarcity makes one thirsty, my relationship with my body has never been more tense. All senses have been sharpened, and they are no longer dulled by material immersion.

I don't earn much, just barely enough to support myself. But I think I'll never go back to the easy life.

I am still young, and there are still too many doubts around the corner, so I always think that one day I will go on the road again, but I didn't expect it to be so urgent all of a sudden.

Seeing Matters' 2019 questionnaire called this year "the year of cutting seats", many people talked about the conflicts with relatives and friends and the crisis of identity during this year. Just a few days ago, at the 706 gathering in New York, I also used this as the theme and shared the stories behind my two articles titled "The Lost Dog".

In fact, as early as this year, I had already cut seats with the mainstream lifestyle in China, but I didn't realize at that time that there was no turning back.

Even now, I don't think my feelings for China are just a rosy nostalgia. I have no right to forget the people there. I can't take my eyes off that land and pretend that I can start a new life. But fortunately, in a relatively freer place, I have also found many careers that I can contribute to.

Not being able to get back on the "normal" track used to scare me a lot. Fear comes from the obsession with control, so on the verge of losing control, the pain and anxiety are overwhelming, and once the obsession is let go, the fear quickly disappears.

At the end of this year, I completed such a transformation. Then I discovered that my obsession with control was largely the result of my education and institutionalization. Breaking it means transgressing the prohibition and requires both mental and physical detachment.

One of my favorite books recently is Maugham's "Blade Edge", which is the culprit that makes my heart flutter. You will find that the struggles and aspirations of young people nearly a hundred years ago are no different from ours today. The protagonist Larry was deeply shocked by witnessing his comrades sacrificed for himself. After the war, he gave up his enviable fiancée and the opportunity to work in the wealthy class, and traveled around the world to find the answer to his heart. This kind of life trajectory coincides with mine, and it makes my soul resonate even more when I read it.

If you don't want to follow the trend in life, it is tantamount to a big gamble. There are too many people who fail and very few people who succeed.

I finally understand why this turns me on, we're all avid gamblers at heart.

A friend asked me, has there ever been a moment when you doubted your own values ​​or beliefs? Like liberalism, feminism? I say that's not too much. One of the topics we feminists often discuss is what unfeminist behaviors we have. And recently I have also found that it is gradually not the Western left that inspires me more, but the value system at the core of American conservatism. Especially in the direction of reflecting on modernity, I have obtained many ideological resources from there.

But one of the darkest doubts is that I suspect that human beings cannot bear the burden of freedom, and that human beings overestimate their love of freedom.

This may be best experienced by those who are living in freedom. There were times when I did feel like I couldn't go on, no one should live like this, away from home and family, insecure and insecure, chronically alone and unstable, unconnected, unaccepted...

So when people say that the freedom I have is because I have privilege, I also want to say that privilege is true, but it is also because I paid the price.

It is in such pain and happiness that we find a way to get along with the outside world. Here, I went from being alone to meeting more and more like-minded people, building a community of diaspora, having emotional sustenance and trust in others, and being able to do some jobs that I like and are good at. I am so proud of myself every time I take a small step, and many friends around me have similar pride.

There was a specific moment when I fully accepted the identity of the "bereaved dog", so it was no longer a label that was forced on me, but self-empowerment, awareness and inner defense, and the establishment of a new identity agree. I also believe that this identity is shared by a large number of young people in the current era. It opens up a new front and a new dimension of life for souls who have no way out because they stick to their inner values.

This is a wonderful revelation, like standing on the collapsed ruins, with nothing and nowhere to go, looking up at the dawn in the sky, suddenly realizing the infinite possibilities of the future. If you insist on a definition, the word should be "rebirth".

He was never a hero, he was just a young man. And social change is inseparable from those young people who are restless and wandering around. They will explore the farthest borders, bring advanced thoughts and technologies back to their hometowns, and then challenge the rules of the game established by the predecessors. Generations of young people in the world have used their brand new eyes and fresh blood to fulfill the mission of the times, and our generation will not be exempt from this obligation.

At the 706 gathering, my friend finally said that democracy and freedom used to be a dream of the Chinese people, but it was shattered in the most tragic way, and a generation of outstanding young people paid a heavy price. Compared with them, it may be a good thing that we have suffered political blows earlier. This lets us know that democracy and freedom are not a one-off process.

Another girl said that instead of being fleeting in front of everyone like a meteor, it is better to become a small flame deep in the forest and warm those who are close.

After the collapse, why bother rebuilding, if rebuilding is just following the old order. It's better not to rush to recover, don't rush to get back on track, but to pursue with those sharp questions. Maybe you will find that there are really so many people who are not afraid of going into exile.

Those who are not recognized by this era and refuse to be included in this system, you are trash, fools, paupers, losers, lonely ghosts, and bereaved dogs.

But my wasted heart will love you forever.