I haven't posted a post for a long time, and the moment I post it, it's a nightmare. The content is coherent, but there are inexplicable breakpoints.

In the middle of the night, the first impression is of eating leftovers on the table at home, which is the taste of cabbage. After eating, I stayed in the room with my older sister, younger sister, younger brother, and mother.

Who takes my stuff?

Mom opened the drawer and asked in an unhappy tone, who took her newspaper? I immediately said it was me, I just couldn't find anything to wipe the water off the floor, so I used it to spread it. Mom changed her displeased expression, but I wondered in my heart if I did it?

strange sound

I was going to walk out of the room, but I heard someone making a strange noise outside. It was a sentence rather than a strange noise (but I can't remember it). When I heard the sound, I subconsciously said "I don't want to go out."

quarrel

After a while, Dad came back (I don't know if the strange noise came from here) Dad came into the room, quarreled with Mom, and shouted for divorce.

There is no picture of them in this section, the perspective stops in a corner of the room, and only the sound remains.

Others began to advocate signing it. Anyway, it was annoying enough to not sign it to the end of the argument. Why don't you just sign it now.

Then Mom and Dad didn't respond, Dad walked out of the room, maybe into the living room or anywhere.

falling cat

I turned and looked towards the balcony of the room, and saw Smelly (my cat) on the balcony. It was raining heavily outside, and the background was the mountain behind my house. The stinky black and white patterns were particularly conspicuous against the dark green background.

I wanted to pull Shimei in, but she wanted to break free from me. When I missed, Shimei fell out. Then I watched as she struggled and floated up, there was a hidden but ethereal line around her neck pulling her, and Smug floated in my direction, and I pulled her.

I felt like something was stuck in my throat as I unwrapped the thread on my stinky neck, and the discomfort was getting stronger and stronger. I called my mom over to help me out of the stinky, and I left the room and went to the kitchen.

throat stuck

I bent down in front of the flow table, stretched out my hand and slowly pulled out the things in my throat, because there was resistance in the process of applying force, and I was afraid that things would break, and I was even more afraid of hurting myself. Like it's been a long time.

When I took it out, it was the cabbage I had just eaten, but it was undercooked, with blunt leaves and stalks stuck in my throat. I could only keep repeating the action, and the counter was full of vegetable leaves.

It gets more and more uncomfortable, and more and more things get stuck.

After a long time, my family noticed my strangeness, but they just looked at it and left, leaving the younger sister and eldest sister watching, but they didn't plan to do anything.

Heard from their conversation that I ate a lot of cabbage, and Smelly was saved.

I was relieved to hear that Xiang Mei was saved, but I still didn't stop my movements until the leaves that came out began to have dark purple blood, and the blood became more and more as time went on.

At the moment when I was in a trance, I suddenly woke up and opened my eyes directly, and found that it was a dream.

"Nightmare." Those were the first words to wake up.

My boyfriend asked me if I was okay, I said okay, I want to write down my dream.

It's 06:27 in the morning….

Fear aggregate

I was terrified of this dream because it was almost a collection of my fears. It is a slight and continuous superposition, slowly stacking up everything in daily life, until I feel surrounded and unable to get out.

Afraid of lying, afraid of no one admitting it, afraid of being scolded, first admit it's your own fault

The habit of lying when I was a child, in order to make the lie more real, I can even deceive myself. I was afraid of those bad feelings, so I always wanted to muddle through.

It was only later that I discovered that if I told the truth from the beginning, I would not have to worry about my lies being exposed or lose myself later.

I hope that the parents at that time will be separated, but I am afraid that they will hurt each other

When I was young, I was afraid that I would be caught by their anger, and when I grew up and looked back at it all, I just didn’t want to be in a place where I was broken, a haven where I couldn’t feel comfortable.

The accumulation of experiences after growing up has also made me think, if it is me, should I stay in a place that is not suitable for me, in order to make everything look complete; or should I make up my mind to say goodbye and endure the unknown loneliness?

Time may seem long but limited. Sometimes I think that a series of choices are interlocking and affecting each other; sometimes I think that when you make a change, it is the key to breaking the cycle.

Losing one's mind and having no love

When I was a child, I was most afraid of my father's anger and loss of reason, and my mother's loveless life for the world. The way they hated each other was even more terrifying, and when my siblings were very young, I could only watch this happen, I couldn't change anything, and for a while I thought it was my own fault that made things come this far.

It used to be scary to see everything, but now I'm still very timid.

Fortunately, those have changed. Everyone has each other's goals. Once the focus shifts, it seems that the appearance of life also changes. I don't know what they gave up? Or compromise something? Still understand something?

Afraid that the stinky beauty will leave us one day

Smelly Beauty is the only scene in the dream that is not so scary. Although I was a little scared, from the moment I adopted her, I knew that cats have a short life. Be mentally prepared at any time, and we will still be sad at that time.

Blood

Even if the dream is dark purple, I will still be afraid, and I am also very afraid of what will happen to me someday. Although I have been in a sub-healthy state since a certain time, I will always pay attention to myself.

feeling stuck in throat

It's similar to the feeling of my throat getting stuck or being pinched because of choking or enduring when I'm sad, but the dream is always presented in a more figurative way.

It made me feel scared and at the same time I had to figure out a way to get myself out of trouble, but that fear came from within myself.

I can understand the people and things I am afraid of, but I can't understand why I am sometimes afraid of myself? Maybe it's because you know what your weaknesses are, so you can do the most damage.

Dreams and Mapping

It is now 07:02 in the morning, I am afraid of nightmares, and I can remember them for a long time every time as a nightmare, so when I wake up from the dream, I try to write down every detail and thought in the moment of fear, and record it in a more comprehensive way. Don't let yourself keep replaying some of the scariest episodes and terrify yourself.

Sometimes when I look at the record, I will echo many reflections, so it won't be so scary, right?

At least some help.

I feel at ease holding my sleeping boyfriend beside me. From a long time ago, I realized that although there are many things I fear and hate, in the past 20 years, from staying at home to sharing a room with my boyfriend, I have rarely been alone. Stay in one space to sleep or wake up.

When I was at home, my family members were all night owls. The lights were always bright in the middle of the night, and they often had supper. When I lived with my boyfriend, whenever I was afraid or had nightmares, he would accompany me.

So when it's just me, I usually fall asleep when it's dawn or I'm so tired that I hardly ever fall asleep by myself.

It's hard to imagine what my own life would be like. I used to have a few short dreams, but I hate such dreams. Most of the dreams are "suddenly" and only me is left, and everyone else has disappeared. ; that loneliness is terrifying, both physically and psychologically.

For now, I am very grateful to have important people with me, so that I am not alone, which is why I am not alone except for work, the rest are them.

Finally, the more afraid of something, the more you have to face it.

Just like the purpose of my dream writing:

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Feb 18, 2022

The article was first published on Medium , and the version I'm currently reading is the synchronous version.

Thank you for your reading and support, any questions are welcome to communicate with us｜ imjhanemi@gmail.com

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