Know thyself

It took me quite long time to figure out my feeling on you. Since several years, the only people with whom I talk and share my opinions thoroughly, is my husband. I do feel It is not easy to make myself understood as I have some 'abnormal' views on things. The night that we have talked all the way along the beach makes me feel my value shared with the yours. I can easily talk the so called metaphyscial topics with you.

It is a delightful thing to meet a stranger(somehow at that time) who can get my points straightly. After arriving at certain age, I am just demotivated to share my deep thoughts, to make friend, i mean the real one to whom I can pour out without filter. It is absolutely a lottery-wining to have that kind of people around.

The point is, since I have such special feeling on you, I keep question myself if it is soul infidelity. Should the people who is in marital engagement, like me, development a sustainable relationship with others? I can easily say yes if you are not physically attractive to me, but to be honest, you are. I know clearly I will put my marriage in risk if I move closer to you. However, this doubt keeps whirl in my mind.

Certainly, you are the first but no the last one that I will have such feeling in my unfinished life. It just pushes me to think about the marriage itself. I am always frightened by the fact that how people is longing for a longlasting marrige. For me, marriage is a trap, people is exploring for eternity in this vast garden of sacrifice. I was marrying at 28 years old, I was thinking marriage does not mean anything more than a paper, but at 32 years old, I feel I am wrong.

Marriage makes me engage much more than what I have expected. The longer I live with someone together, the harder I can accept myself to let him down. I need to admit, to maintain this exculsive two-party relathionship, I am quite depressed. Being in a marriage makes me feel like a statue casted by social morals. I cannot move, no room to build another sustainable intimate relathionship with others. I am not talking about the sexual relathionship, just mentally. I do see this as sacrifice as I enjoy to explore the world by exploring different people. Now, I have been told by my moral sensitivity that this is dangerous for my marriage. This is what I am expriencing on you. But I do get something in the marriage, the care and the accompany from the other, the financial conjoint to build a comfortable material life.

At 28 years old, I did not realize mariage is an exchange. I give up certain level of individual liberty to gain a more stable life status. Do I regret? I do not know. I have a 5-star husband, I have nothing to complain about, but this does not stop me to feel some part of me has been extracted out and thrown in a blackhole. Every time I realize that I am on the way to build a life-long marrige to prove that I can be successful in this thing, I am depressed and disappointed on myself. The ironic thing is, I am even not convinced that modern marriage should exist. I know how this contract idea was born thousands years ago, but since 2 centuries, the romanticization of marriage is a stupid idea. It is the biggest illusion that we civilized human have created for ourselves, in the name of LOVE. Let's just put the so called love in a marriage cloth and make a life-long effort to make it eternal. This effort reeks of hyprocrisy.

More and more, I understand why people need this hyprocritical thing. For getting the reachable stability in this unanticipted-thing-filled life. I cannot deny the rationality of marriage for people who are in search of this stability. I just did not realize I may not be this type of people who is suitable for marriage. I question everything, I am more eager for undiscovered world than a stable normal life. This is the thing I just discovered on myself in recent years.

Again, I have been thrilled to meet you. You may have heard about Delphic Maxims, you may know the most famous one "know thyself". With my feeling on you, I discovered another part of myself. But you know what ? I was so disappointed when I saw "set out to be married" has been also inscribed in the maxims! The greek is not that wise as I have imagined. Or the marriage was not in the same definition as today. It may served for the pure purpose of reproduction. Bref, it is another topic i can write thousands of word. I stop here and wish you a good luck for the future. I would like to say keep in touch but I do not know how or it is proper to do. It is easier to do not plan everything on purpose and just believe that life can bring us to somewhere when it wants.