Fire & Motion 10

2022 年 10 月 28 日

Stin's reading note.

Fleeting quotes

no where & now here
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Many people procrastinate because they care too much.
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每一個選擇都是自我表達

Reading

📕道德浪女：多重關係、開放關係與其他冒險的實用指南

我們的道德標準非常務實：有人身體受傷嗎？有沒有避免傷害他的方法？有人心裡受傷嗎？我們可以如何支持他？有風險嗎？相關人士是否都明白其中的風險，並且盡力將風險降低？

同樣的核心關懷，在封閉的一對一關係中同樣適用，且不可或缺。

如果一個社會堅信做愛只能是為了建立一段一對一、類似婚姻的關係，那麼「不能與朋友做愛」這個文化禁忌，就必然隨之而來。我們卻反其道而行，我們認為友誼就是一個做愛的好理由，性愛也是一個維護友誼的絕佳辦法。

🤯mind-blowing. 我從道德浪女中讀到超多框架外的思維，無比驚訝。驚訝之處是我從來沒有這樣想過 (苦笑)。拿掉文化、社會規範上的預設，兩件風馬牛不相干的事原來能兜在一起。

我們從多重關係中能得到的東西之一，就是有機會實現各式各樣的自我。當兩個人相遇時，他們便在交會之處產生關係，在那裏，他們是相似腳本中互補的角色。因此，透過在不同的情人面前擁有不同的樣貌，我們也許會發現，在不同的情境裡，我們會有不同的界線、不同的限制、不同的關係型態。

所有的關係都會隨時間改變，人的需求與慾望隨著年紀與環境變動，而長期的成功關係必然有足夠的彈性，在歲月遷移中重新定義自己。

道德浪女的終極關懷回到人生的可塑性，並以情感、性愛做為媒介來重寫腳本與論述：每一個體的關係 (relationship) 腳本都是獨一無二的，當我們開始質疑那些別人告訴我們的「應該」(should and must)，便得以有意識地改寫老劇本，並藉由打破規則、解放自己來重拾人生的主控權。

我的憤怒如何照顧我？

為什麼會憤怒？憤怒對情緒有什麼貢獻？對我們的關係有什麼貢獻？

如果某個表親我們不是第一眼就喜歡，我們就把他當作姻親來處理。我們未必很愛我們的嫂嫂或者媽媽的新丈夫，但我們認識到，這個人已經加入我們的家庭了，他有他的權利，有情緒，就像所有其他人一樣。

我們兩個都傾向於盡可能跟伴侶的伴侶見面，跟他們做朋友。有時候他們不確定要不要跟我們做朋友，有時候他們非常確定還是不要做朋友好了，但只要有耐心與善意，他們多半都會回心轉意。再怎麼說，我們總有一個共同點：我們愛著同一個人。

很少有兩個人對性有完全相同的慾望，那就好像要求每個人都有一模一樣的清潔模式。當一個人慾火焚身而另一個人被睡意包圍的時候，如果你們能以正面態度看待自慰，那問題就不會太嚴重。你們可以在同一個房間裡自慰。誰知道呢，也許你喜歡看啊，我們覺得那使我們超興奮的。藉由觀看與展示，你們便能互相教導對方自己獨特的快感模式，也互相學習對方的快感模式。

讀書的樂趣之一，是能讀到 new perspective，是能讀到被 mind twisted。在到道德浪女的書末有份詞彙表，詳載了書中提過的專有名詞，我特喜歡這個 (笑)

關係電扶梯 (Relationship Escalator) 一種建立關係的方法，每一步都無可避免地連到下一步：從約會連到性愛的專屬性，連到訂婚，連到結婚，再連到生小孩等等。絕大多數的浪女都願意爬很多樓梯，以避免踏上這樣的「電扶梯」。

📕The Book of Joy

As my verbal assault became more pointed and challenging, I saw his head draw back in reaction and perhaps some defensiveness. Most of us might have argued more adamantly or attacked back in such a disagreement, but it was as if I could see the Archbishop, in a split-second pause, collect his consciousness, reflect on the options, and choose his response, one that was thoughtful and engaged rather than reactive and rejective. ...... that pause, the freedom to respond instead of react.

When we treat ourselves with compassion, we accept that there are parts of our personality that we may not satisfied with, but we do not berate ourselves as we try to address them. When we go through a difficult time, we are caring and kind to ourselves, as we would be to a friend or a relative. When we feel inadequate in some way, we remind ourselves that all people have these feelings or limitations. When things are hard, we recognize that all people go through similar challenges. And finally, when we are feeling down, we try to understand this feeling with curiosity and acceptance rather than rejection or self-judgement.

At the end of the book, I'm so touched by the farewell scene. For the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop at their eighties and nineties, and the difficulties for them to travel, it may be the very last time they meet. It does make me wonder what I will say if I truly know that it's my last time to be with someone. Remembering oneself in the face of death might be the gentlest way to emphasize the relationships.

Then the Dalai Lama's playful tone changed as he pointed at the Archbishop's face warmly. "This picture, special picture." Then he paused for a long moment. "I think, at time of my death..." The word death hung in the air like a prophecy. "... I will remember you."

📕The Fran Lebowitz Reader

It feels like reading the vintage version of Seriously...I'm Kidding. The piece still deliveries sharp laughs after twenty years. Hilarious, and full of opinionsssss!

The most important factor here is that you understand that a room is a matter of opinion.
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A salad is not a meal. It is a style. 
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Food gives real meaning to dining room furniture.
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Feet are like snow. Your feet, more than anything else, are what make you you, and nobody else’s are quite like them.
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Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.