"Stubborn."

Date: 2021.12.28

Location: Kaohsiung City

.

"I don't know why, but when I'm with you, I often feel like I'm not myself."

C moved back to Taipei a few days ago. He told me this before leaving, and I remembered what H said before we split up.

.

When I heard it, my heart was mixed. Because I am myself, I like myself very much, so I have always worked hard and hoped that the people around me can also. Whether it was a dean in the past, a life assistant later, or a variety of activities that have changed since then, the only constant original intention is to hope that the people around you can "do it". Own".

.

In the end, I tried hard to do this well, and the two people who were closest to me couldn't feel that way. I have thought about many reasons for this result, but none of them can really convince myself. Maybe it can be said that there is never an absolute "self", and I just let them feel the "self" that they don't like. It's just that although I can think so, I don't want to say it at all.

.

Perhaps the moment when I think this way, to some extent symbolizes "I want to be a person who makes the people around me happy". Because I believe that being yourself can bring back happiness, but perhaps "self" itself has never been the only happiness.

.

"are you happy?"

"It's okay now, but I'm a very happy person, so I don't seem to think about it very much."

I remembered that day when C asked such a question, but I answered an answer that I think back now, I feel that the other party didn't really want to know the answer.

.

I just suddenly feel that it is probably because it is easy to be happy, so I like to find things that may be "unhappy". Maybe it is because of this that I fall in love with "adventure". .

.

I used to think that a partner should find someone who can live with him, and a partner should find someone who complements his abilities, but after going through it, I don't know if I can still believe that. Maybe it's still possible, but the premise of "together" is more important than those so-called "conditions", but it's actually the same direction. But it seems that it is difficult to know from the beginning whether they want to go in the same direction. It's just too lonely to walk alone, so I'm always eager to find someone to be with. Probably because they are too eager, it is difficult to confirm each other's direction.

.

Even so, if people are unique, it seems difficult to find people with the same direction. Sometimes I don't really know what to insist on, whether to "walk together" or to move forward in the "direction" you want to go. After all, after walking together, you will naturally find the direction; walking in the direction you want to go, you will also meet people who will walk together.

.

I don't know what to do at the moment, maybe I'm lost in this. Even though I already knew in my heart that the "best" itself never existed, I still insisted on making the best decision.