The role of mother is not relevant to me

I am consciously not being a mother.

When I was about 20 years old, I realized that I couldn't take on such a role. I couldn't play a "mother" well. I couldn't even settle my own life. How can I take care of another life younger than me?

There are such doubts, it may also be that I overestimate the role of "mother". People always tell me that I don't need to think so much, as a woman is born with motherhood (the mother's instinct to love her children), and now there are many experts who can help , Besides, there are many girls who are not ready to get pregnant and have children at a young age. They can also bring up their children. Why can't I, a normal adult, do it?

may be? If I had a child, I would love him naturally, but I can't always imagine that I could love another person more than myself - although there is no rule that a mother will love her child more than herself, but if she does not particularly love one person , and how to change his life needs for him - travel is a very important thing to me, and if I have children, I may not be able to do what I want.

But I might irritate feminists by saying this. Isn't having a child to sacrifice for him or to give up one's dream? Only my non-existent child can give me the answer to what it takes to be a mother.

Having a baby means that my relationship must be very stable, which I cannot guarantee.

If I have a baby and tell him, "I'm doing it for your own good," why would I hand him over to a world that isn't cute at all? As a religious person, you may say, "I did not decide your birth, but God gave you life"... If I were a mother, how could I justify the presence of a child in my home?

 I have thought about adopting a child. In this way, his existence is not something I can decide. I can at least provide an objectively more favorable way of life, but if I am naturally unable to devote myself too much to my feelings, the child will think that it is because he has no blood relationship that he is so cold and hurt. He is not well.

Maybe it's because of my naturally overthinking and a little perfectionistic personality, and I also imagine that after the child is born, I can't give him the "best" life, education, and love... Will he blame me? If I can't bring him good upbringing and values, will he endanger society? Therefore, to be a sinner, it is better to enjoy the pleasures of being childless.

In short, when I think of "having a child", there are countless question marks. It is like getting married. It is something that I can't think about too much. When I'm sober, I can't make up my mind to have a child. Therefore, I have always admired women and men who are willing to raise children. Thinking about it is the biggest adventure in life!

But then again, neither grandma nor mother were typical mothers of their respective eras. After the grandmother gave birth to a child, she was not very good at housework. She could go skating at the popular ice rink at that time, and the child was taken care of by a nanny; and the mother always adhered to the spirit of pursuing her own dreams when she had a child. We stayed in Taipei for a few months and went to the mountain alone to retreat and write.

And will I be estranged from my mother? Not at all. When I was young, I was proud that my mother was different from others. I also cherished the opportunity to have fun with my mother on the weekends. Now we can discuss what Henry Miller called " the difference between obscenity and pornography " like friends.

When talking about this topic, I thought of an episode in the biography of Farage, the first female journalist in Italy born in 1929. In her age, she could only choose to be a mother or a reporter, but when she was old (after 2000), she met The news intern of 2018 became pregnant unexpectedly, without taking into account the incompatibility between mothers and careers. This should be the case for ideal mothers in this era, right?

(I don't know where the conclusion is written) I don't think the relationship between mother and child should be mutual debt or sacrifice, and no article is written so tragically.