Memories of home｜The sense of distance from my father Silent love

Growing up, I was afraid of my father, my father.

Mom and Dad seem to be as good as they agreed, Dad plays the black face, and the mother plays the white face.

As for my father, my childhood memories are a lot of fear. He broke my pencil the first time he taught me to count. He always came home from get off work with a straight face. He would beat me with newspapers and belts and punish me I was disobedient. When he got angry and yelled at me, I was so frightened that I didn’t dare to move, and I didn’t dare to shed tears. He didn’t seem to be able to laugh when he was with me.

When the child was young, how would he know the reason for his sternness, all I knew was that his father was terrible, and I didn't want to be in the same space with him.

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Later, when I grew up, I learned that my father’s work pressure was very high. He was too tired to manage his expressions when he came home from work. I told my uncle that he didn't like to be away from home for so long, and he was very tired both physically and mentally.

He hit me because I was too stubborn to apologize for what I did wrong. Once when he spanked my butt, I accidentally hit me with my hand, and he secretly asked my mother to wipe the medicine for me. Hit me again.

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Dad never said much, so I can only guess his thoughts from his strict discipline. As he grew older, the image of the strict father gradually changed. Although his words were still very few, he always Expressed with actions, I casually chatted about what snacks I like to eat. When he came home next week, he took out two packs of snacks and said he wanted to give them to me; he often grabbed the cats at home and told me their little stories (about Talking about cats, this is probably the time when he talks the most); when I watch a movie on Netflix, he pretends to play on the computer while watching it, and then chats with me about the plot intentionally or unintentionally.

When I was a child, I couldn't say the words well, the sense of distance at that time, now, he is getting closer to me little by little, I know that is the way he loves me.

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Word to Dad:

I once had a dream before that you called me on a long-term business trip and said to me, "Dad may not be able to call home again in the future. After this call is hung up, I will leave."

I asked you where you were going. In the dream, I felt so scared that I couldn’t control myself from crying. I kept calling you and telling you not to hang up. Then, I woke up. At that time, our family was still huddled together. When I slept in that small room, I was relieved to see that you were still sleeping in your bed after a business trip, but the sadness in the dream had not eased, and I silently cried myself for a while.

My father, you and my mother are too important to me. I'm sorry I used to be so afraid of you. I don't know if you will be hurt when you see my always fearful eyes. It may be the first time I have been you. My daughter, when you became my father for the first time, we didn't rehearse well (but who in the world has rehearsed it), so sometimes it's awkward and I can't speak my heart.

What I want to say is, I really love you, thank you for being my dad, thank you for holding up my world, thank you for everything you give.

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Postscript: Thank you for the event invitation@ Yuhao/ the editor-in-chief of Japanese and Japanese Youth . I have been writing a series about my family. I have a lot to say about my family. When I write about my parents, I often write because I want to write something. I don't know where to start. When we usually get along, it's awkward to say love After starting out and living on my own, I know that work is hard and life is not easy, and I know that my parents worked hard to help me grow up, and I am very grateful to them.