<narcissism studio> repair of narcissism

If the golden stage of narcissism development has passed, and narcissistic distress has already occurred, how should we deal with it?

First of all, one thing should be clarified: although there are many "ideal" narcissistic growth processes mentioned above, this does not mean that there is a so-called "standard" narcissistic structure; the environment of life is full of variables, and life can have many There is no so-called "standard" psychological structure for different modalities. Even if you have the aforementioned narcissistic traits, I don't think there's necessarily a need to change if you don't feel troubled yourself and don't cause trouble to others.

Respecting life can have different choices, which is what I have always cared about most; in fact, I think that if everyone really does "respect", there will be no "narcissism trouble".

Outline of narcissism troubled

I will first try to describe the general outline of narcissistic distress based on the content of the previous article: the development of early narcissistic structure, because of "lack of containment", "distortion of mirror reflection" or "failure of idealization", leading to The fragility of the narcissistic structure; in order to defend this fragility, the narcissistic structure confronts it by "returning to the inner world" and "denying and distorting the external reality", and retains the omnipotent and exaggerated feeling of early narcissism; It is difficult to adapt to the adult social style, and gradually becomes more withdrawn and defensive; when the frustration caused by certain events cannot be avoided, "narcissistic rage" may occur, leading to impulsive behavior.

Considering the restoration of narcissism with an image like the above, the ideal way is to provide an environment of "containment" in which the development of "mirror" and "idealization" can continue, so that the closed structure of narcissism can be reopened. growing up.

Simple to say, but difficult to do.

The Dilemma of Narcissistic Repair

First of all, adults are no longer children, and it is unlikely that they will fully "reproduce" the process of early development. In actual life, when you face an adult, it is difficult for you to respond in the same way as a child; an adult narcissistic troubled person does not consciously want to be treated as a child, which makes him feel anger. However, they often repeat the psychological needs of narcissistic growth in childhood without realizing it. This often leaves those around you confused, even angry, that they don't know how to respond.

Second, the family interaction pattern that existed in the original growth environment usually rarely changes even after many years; as parents get older, the original values are often more rigid, and it is difficult to adjust the way of interaction.

And most importantly, the defensive methods adopted by the fragile narcissistic structure (withdrawal, denial, distortion) make it difficult for them to truly perceive their own difficulties; and their own narcissistic fragility often makes them unbearable for the repair process. Painful feelings.

The above situations make the narcissist troubled person fall into a predicament that is difficult to get out of. For narcissistic repair to work, it often requires simultaneous changes in both the self and the environment. Below we briefly describe the changes required for the two.

Narcissistic troubled

Narcissistic troubled people often use a lot of "denial" to defend their feelings of vulnerability. "Denial" is a primitive and powerful defense mechanism, it is carried out unconsciously, and it is difficult to self-perceive. In fact, even the average person often resists unwanted feelings with denial. The result of excessive denial by narcissistic troubled people is that they deny their own vulnerability and do not feel that they need help; even when others want to help them, they are regarded as a kind of narcissistic injury.

On the other hand, in addition to their unrealistic feelings of perfection, narcissistic troubled people often have the same expectations for the outside world. The original exaggerated narcissism in the subconscious makes them often think without thinking that the outside world should respond to him as he requires; once the expected response is not obtained, it is the fault of the outside world. This kind of expectation and imagination that originated from the early days of the perfect caregiver was also retained uncorrected because of the problems in the development of narcissism. This leads to the subjective feeling of the narcissistic troubled person that all problems are caused by the outside world, not their own; therefore, he constantly blames the outside world for mistakes and demands changes from the outside world instead of himself. This kind of mentality will inevitably lead to difficulties in relationship with the outside world, so it is even more difficult to obtain needed assistance, and it will further exacerbate the withdrawal of narcissism.

This is why narcissistic troubled people often feel difficult to get close to, and even sometimes feel uncomfortable just getting close to them; they constantly project anger and hostility towards the outside world in the subconscious, which requires considerable tolerance to face . Even in a psychotherapeutic relationship, this can be a big test for the therapist, let alone the people around you.

Therefore, when they need the assistance of others, they are easy to lose the support of others; when they need the ability to endure pain, they lack sufficient self-strength. The two dilemmas are interrelated and affect each other, creating a vicious circle. What they need to do is precisely what they lack. Therefore, the repair of narcissism is usually difficult to complete alone, and it still needs some assistance from the outside world. After all, no one can complete everything alone, and it is just a phantom of early narcissism.

For narcissistic troubled people, to make the process of narcissism repair work, I think the most important thing is:

• Be motivated to change and hope you can be different.
• Let go of your expectations of perfection in yourself and the outside world, and try to endure the frustration of disappointment.
• Try to understand and develop your own traits.

For narcissistic troubled people themselves, being willing to accept change is the first and most difficult step.

motivation for change

For narcissistic troubled people, withdrawn and closed narcissism, although causing many restrictions, also provides a sense of security; leaving the inner psychological world of safety protection, to face the uncertainty of the external world, for vulnerable narcissism It's a very dangerous feeling. It's like the snail wants to leave its hard shell and face the danger outside with its sensitive and weak body. To sustain such pain, there must be enough motivation to change.

The so-called "change" means that you are dissatisfied with the current state and expect to be different. This is the state of life. Because of the difficulties in the growth process, narcissistic troubled people have withdrawn from themselves, so that this state of life is limited. Therefore, we should try to turn dissatisfaction with the status quo into a driving force for change and look forward to a renewed self.

let go of high expectations

Excessive expectations for narcissistic feelings are the biggest difficulty for narcissistic troubled people. Whether it is for oneself or the response to the outside world, if you can let go of your original expectations first, you will have a chance to see the real environment. Doing so is not self-deprecation or giving up dreams, but rather than presupposing a position and returning to a realistic situational consideration.

Most of these exaggerated expectations are derived from the narcissistic fantasies of early omnipotence, often not clearly consciously perceived, only to experience an indescribable, vague anger when frustrated. Therefore, you need to try to examine your expectations for yourself and others from your past experience. If you clearly recognize that it is the expectation that you really want, try to make the expectation more in line with the actual needs, or plan the steps and methods to gradually achieve it; if you cannot clearly understand where such expectations come from, then Most likely a residual primal narcissism, try not to get completely overwhelmed by it.

When it comes to expecting a response from others, you must recognize that nothing is "for granted." It is good to be able to get the expected response. If you don't, it means that something needs to be adjusted. The best adjustment is oneself, not others. Excessive anger at others' failure to respond not only alienates them, but even triggers negative emotions in others, leading to more narcissistic harm.

Develop your own abilities and traits

Understanding one's own characteristics and developing the abilities that suit oneself is an important issue in the development of human life. Basically, as long as there is a sufficient "containing" environment and appropriate "mirroring" and "idealized" responses, discovering one's own characteristics and abilities should be a natural thing, and there is no need to do it deliberately. As long as there are no obstacles, people will tend to use the abilities they are good at. With the proper development of competence, good narcissistic feelings can be constructed.

The development of ability cannot appear out of thin air in imagination, it needs to be obtained by actual operation and execution in the real environment. Withdrawn narcissism tends to be immersed in the imaginary world within oneself, which is quite detrimental to the cultivation and development of abilities. Just like athletic ability, it must be obtained through real physical practice; although imagination is also an exercise that helps motor skills, the ability that can be obtained without actual manipulation and exercise is still limited.

For narcissistic troubled people, trying to understand their own characteristics and practicing their abilities with the available resources is the most likely thing that they can master. Developing the right abilities and gaining a sense of accomplishment can go a long way in stabilizing a fragile narcissistic structure. In the worst case, a certain ability can at least be self-sufficient and not fall into a state of complete scarcity.

Adjustment of the environment

For the repair of narcissism, the adjustment of the external environment has a great influence, especially close-knit family members, especially parents.

Parents are the biggest influencers in the early narcissistic upbringing, and even in adulthood, their influence is still the biggest. Especially in the Chinese society, the bond between parents and children is very strong, and they are usually the people who can't let go and let go. While this situation keeps narcissistic-troubled people from being isolated, it also provides a situation in which they are more likely to withdraw. Clinically I have seen many parents bring their adult children for help; they are equally frustrated and angry with each other with long-entangled but irreversible interactions. Therefore, when it comes to the adjustment of the environment, we must first take a look at how parents' mentality can be adjusted to help restore narcissism.

First of all, let’s start with the mentality of “tolerance”.

The difference between "tolerance" and "tolerance"

Many parents will think, "We've already tolerated him! There's nothing he can do if he doesn't want to cheer up!", "Everyone has tried their best to follow him, so we can't follow his requirements in everything! He should also be able to It’s right to be considerate of others.” Indeed, immature narcissists often make unreasonable demands, and when they are not met, they are prone to strong emotional reactions; and parents are often the source of their emotions, which makes their parents’ responses change. Difficult and easy to blame.

First of all, what I want to say is that although "tolerance" and "containment" feel very similar, their connotations are quite different. "Tolerance" is often to tolerate the unreasonable behavior of their behavior, but "tolerance" is to accept and value their desires and feelings, rather than behavioral tolerance. The result of behavior must involve interaction with the outside world, and the issue of "boundary" must be considered; while desire and feeling are internal, what needs to be explored and integrated. Desire itself is not right or wrong, it is just a question of whether it can be realized or not. And the action of realization may be related to others or have an impact on others, which is what should be considered when realizing desires.

Take the fact that a child wants to buy an item. Before parents decide whether to buy them or not, they should let their children ask themselves why they want to buy it? How will I use it after I buy it? How important is this item in his life? Let him try to imagine his desires in reality. Next, he needs to consider the constraints of the real environment: if money is limited, is he willing to sacrifice other things to satisfy this desire? Are there other items that are already available that can be replaced? In such a process, parents can still express their own opinions and ideas, but don't deny the child's ideas with their own values, you just provide a different perspective for him to refer to.

Such a process can be time-consuming and tiring; but children can train themselves how to realize their desires in real-world situations. When this process becomes a habit, the time he needs to discuss with you will gradually decrease, and he can make his own decision.

The same is true for adult children. When he puts forward his own plans and ideas, no matter whether it is feasible or not, there is no need to rush to deny them. Let him try to imagine the process of the implementation of the plan, and help him add details that may be overlooked; within the acceptable range of the consequences, give him the opportunity to try it out, and practice making choices and accepting the consequences. Of course, such a choice is not completely unrestricted. In principle, it only involves his own affairs, and he makes the final choice; once others are involved, he must try to persuade others to support him. In the face of their possible unreasonable demands, maintain a firm but moderate stance and avoid accusatory and negative words.

let go of your expectations

Just as they have to let go of their unreasonable expectations, parents must also let go of their own expectations of them, whether those expectations are reasonable or not. I originally thought that parents should not take the initiative to help children decide their future direction, which will affect their "mirror" and "idealization" process. Parents should just "be themselves", it's best for children to have their own ideas, and it's okay if they choose to learn from you. The point is that "the initiative" is on them, not you.

Although many parents later said that as long as they can be independent and happy, they have no requirements. However, the attitude they show unconsciously is often a feeling of disappointment, distrust, and even giving up. It also hurts their narcissism a lot.

It is not easy for parents to maintain a "supportive" attitude, yet maintain an appropriate "boundary" and prevent them from becoming "dependent"; such a process requires constant adjustment and running-in, which can only be stabilized. Move forward without rushing.

About psychotherapy

Ideally, psychotherapy is a good option. Through the structural environment of professional psychotherapy, a safe psychological space is created, and it is more able to return to the psychologically difficult point for repair. But narcissistic withdrawal and defensiveness often makes the therapeutic relationship needed to maintain therapy rather fragile, and therapy is often easily interrupted. Clinically, narcissistic cases are quite difficult cases, and even experienced therapists cannot easily maintain treatment.

In the process of psychotherapy, various defenses will inevitably appear unconsciously, making the treatment process unsmooth. This is a necessary process. In fact, the process of treatment does not require them to completely give up their defenses. It is important to maintain the treatment. As long as treatment continues, defenses have a chance to be dealt with; once out of treatment, the repair process can only be halted, often with a sense of frustration.

If treatment does stop, don't give up, believing that treatment must not help. Different therapists have different characteristics, and as long as you continue to seek help, finding the right therapist can make a difference.

During the treatment process, there will definitely be painful feelings, just like when dealing with wounds, you will feel pain; when dealing with wounds, anesthesia can be used to relieve pain. Psychotherapy can only relieve psychological pain with empathy and emotional support. The treatment process also often feels stagnant, with little progress, and the temptation to give up; the deeper the problem, the longer it will take to deal with it. But as long as you don't leave, there is a chance to change. Therefore, there must be sufficient "willingness to change" motivation to support the repair process.

Epilogue

Frankly speaking, narcissism repair is difficult engineering. Everyone's characteristics and growth process are different, and it is difficult to have a common solution. What this article can illustrate is only some of the more important concepts and key points. The actual process is much more complicated.

Just like sometimes to repair a dilapidated building, it is easier and less troublesome to knock down the heavy cover; but it is difficult to knock down the heavy cover in life, and this is the difficulty of narcissism repair. All we can do is to carefully observe the fragile structure, strengthen it stably and carefully, and hope that one day he will gain enough support and continue the growth process that life should have.

I believe that the mind has a higher elasticity and possibility than the material. As long as you are willing to face it and stay patient, you will have the opportunity to be renewed even if not reconstructed.