Day 9—My Values

Today's reflection on values should be traced back to how the rebellious self during college was abandoned by life after college.

After college, I lived in Vancouver and continued my studies at another university. At that time, I planned to study a professional major, and I could do a decent job in the future, a job that could win the respect of others.

During this learning process, my values have been greatly impacted. I very much disapprove of the entire faculty department at the University of Vancouver at the time. This prestigious university made me realize that if I want to get along in this society, I have to learn to please others, get rid of all individual presentations, and turn myself into a screw in the system. The price of adapting to society is sacrificing one's own voice and individual mind.

Most people's ability to adapt to society is much stronger than mine. They can let go of their own opinions and do whatever they need to do. Everything is just a means to an end. But I am very idealistic. I care about whether what I do in the process of achieving my goal is meaningful and whether it is based on truth. If I want to become false and superficial in order to achieve my goals, then I will feel very painful. I am not willing to compromise. At the same time, I also know that the consequence of uncompromising is that you will not achieve what you want.

Before this painful enlightenment, when I was an undergraduate major in college, I was a warrior who dared to say anything and questioned, and was quite sturdy. My classmates feared and respected me. During my sophomore year, I was extremely excited and extreme, and my mood fluctuated greatly. Once, after a series of nightmares, battling the demons within, and having a feverish mind, I took a razor and shaved all my hair. My university is in the high mountains on the west coast of Canada, it is very humid and cold, and the sun goes down after 4 pm. I thought the cold winter could help calm my mind after getting my hair cut.

At that time, I was not only a warrior, but also a rather exaggerated performance artist. After I shaved my head, I wore a leather and fur jacket, black lipstick, and long black boots. My clothes are pretty edgy, a little punk. In our free time, my friends and I enjoy painting, painting self-portraits, venting our inner emotions, and exploring our identities. We also edited a ZINE picture book and distributed it to students for free. The purpose of the album is to impact everyone's usual aesthetics.

I have been missing Zeng Jin's "rebel self" recently. In the past, she was really bold, didn't care about other people's opinions, was full of creativity, and had her own unique spirit. In the past few days, I have been studying psychoanalysis, and I have gradually realized that in order to step into society, I have suppressed this "rebellious self", and now I find that this rebellious spirit is closely related to artistic creativity.