Daughters grow up absorbing their mothers' emotions: The psychology of self-healing for all daughters, mothers, and women in the world

"The child has such a bad temper, it must be influenced by you."

"Don't you know that children are affected by their mother's emotions? Why do you continue to do this?"

The above two accusations are not unfamiliar to all mothers. You have been heartbroken by these words, but you cannot really argue for yourself, because you are really exhausted both physically and mentally, even if you know you can’t. I should vent my emotions on the child, but I still do things that hurt the child. If you, as a daughter, still have great resentment and shadows about your mother's past upbringing, please also understand the reasons why your mother pushed you away, and try to embrace your truest through the process of recognizing the trauma. appearance.

There are many aspects to the appearance of a mother, but what is certain is that every mother will see herself in her own daughter . That self may be the ideal appearance that she once craved but could not get, or it may be the inner child that the mother did not get satisfaction. So the daughter is actually a complex existence to the mother. In addition to the responsibility of guarding and caring, there are more emotional projections and entanglements.

mother's desire to control

For example, many mothers think that they must control everything about their children, so too strict monitoring will suffocate the children, so the children imagine the mother as a threatening character, although they want to be close to the mother, but they are born in the interaction. Fear, based on this, will also lead to aggressive words and deeds. Why do mothers have such a strong desire to control their children? In fact, everything was caused by my mother's inner unease . When I recalled the first time I left home to go to college, my mother did put me under a lot of psychological pressure. Afterwards, I recalled that it was all controlled behaviors based on a mother's worries. At the same time, it is also a manifestation of a mother facing a sudden loss of dependence, and this situation disappeared when the younger brother and sister went to college. I think it is because the mother has already had the experience of leaving home for the first child, and found that the child went out and did not It's not as terrifying as I imagined, so naturally I gradually let go of the big stone in my heart and calmly face the changes in my child's mood after leaving home.

mother's words

It is mentioned in the book that the mother's words are particularly important. When a mother expresses anxiety and anxiety, it will inevitably affect the child's mood. In particular, the author says that proper norms, setbacks and boundaries can make the child feel at ease . Instead of letting the child get too close to the mother's emotions. I fully agree with this argument. As a mother of a highly sensitive child, I can feel that my child can clearly judge my current mood from the expressions on my face, tone of voice, and emotions, especially when I have negative emotions. , and will continue to ask through words to confirm my current feelings, so as a mother, I must try my best to stabilize my mood, let the child know that this is not a big deal, and use words and body movements to give her stability strength, otherwise the child will continue to feel restless and interfere with daily life.

mother's desire

The mother's desire is often imposed on her daughter. For example, when she was young, she had no money to learn the piano, so she made her own decision to let her learn the piano from the moment she was born; when she was a child, her dream of a dream princess was not realized, so she dressed her daughter as a lovely princess. When the daughter grows older, she begins to have more expectations and requirements. Once the daughter wants to resist, she will be obstructed. The daughter is not allowed to walk out of a life different from her mother, and is also subconsciously controlled and mixed by her mother's thoughts. It is easy to fall into serious contradictions. Examples like this are not uncommon. There are mothers around me who do everything possible to ask their daughters to achieve the goals set by themselves. Although the daughters are reluctant, they finally achieve the mother's dreams, but I believe that there is a lack in her heart. , because she could not seek her own desires, and sacrificed her ideal life only because she did not want to break the mother-daughter relationship. In fact, the daughter who is so obedient is because her mother's voice has been deeply rooted in her heart, and her mother's dominance is strong enough It made her feel guilty, so she could not escape under the umbrella of her mother.

The toxicity of maternal love

The relationship between mothers and daughters is very delicate. Because they are of the same sex, they are also likely to have feelings of jealousy . For example, they do not have what they have, and subconsciously do not want their daughters to have them. Seeing that their daughters are better than them makes them feel better. The value is low, and there is a sense of rivalry with the daughter, and I don't even want my daughter to find a good and ideal other half, because it will make me think of an imperfect marriage. At this time, I am not thinking as a mother. Instead, she compares her daughter as another woman, and even when she encounters difficulties in her emotional life, she will tell her daughter that she should be content with a disapproving attitude, but completely ignore the need for comfort in her daughter's mood. I found that this situation usually stems from the mother's own desire and lack of love, because she is not satisfied, so when she sees her daughter has it, she can't really give her blessings, but instead has mixed feelings of jealousy and envy.

mother's resentment

As a woman, after entering the family, raising children is bound to encounter many hardships, and the relationship with her husband can easily be exhausted in it, so it is easy for the mother to pass on her husband's resentment to her daughter. It also affects the daughter's impression of men, so we often see that if the relationship between husband and wife is not good, children usually say that they don't believe in love and marriage, and it is difficult to believe that there will be people in this world who are really kind to them, even if they are good people. Standing in front of you, you will still try to find the shortcomings of the other party to support your own statement. Of course, it will be harder to get a good marriage, and the stereotype imposed by your mother will be more confirmed.

mother's care

The author mentioned that keeping a distance from the child is a skill to maintain caring . At first glance, it sounds a little confusing, but the author further stated that the closer you get to your daughter, the more you can see hundreds of things that make you dissatisfied. With a smile in my heart, I finally understood why I was easily picked on by my mother since I was a child. It seems that it is difficult to make my mother satisfied with any decision, dress, or every move. The habit of reflexively defending myself, although I don’t feel frustrated, I do feel very helpless and bored. From the author’s writing, I understand that the challenge of being a mother is derived from my own anxiety and desire . Mothers can be aware of and distance themselves from each other, and they can see the cuteness of their daughters. In fact, I think that the mother's excessive care is also related to the desire for control mentioned above. Once the mother's desire for control disappears, she will naturally not see her daughter as unpleasant, because the mother's eyes have shifted to other places and Not just focusing on the daughter! Therefore, as a mother, you need to maintain your own enthusiasm and interest in life. Don't put all the focus of your life on the child. Control and challenge in the name of love will only push the child further.

As a woman, I have transformed from a young ignorant little girl to a woman and then to a mother, and the identity changes in the process are constantly reminding me to do what I want to do to others, and to tell myself not to deliberately make my children feel deprived. , For example, many people think that they should not buy things for their children as much as possible, and they are worried that their children will be spared for it. The reason for this concept is that parents were not satisfied when they were young, so they also think that their children cannot live too comfortably, In fact, it will make children question and distrust their parents' love, and when they return to their parents, they should learn to treat themselves well . When parents are harsh on themselves, it is difficult to give love to their children.

Every daughter looks for the image of her growing up in her mother. If the daughter sees a mother who is completely sacrificed and dedicated, she is likely to grow up with this standard and not be able to truly live for herself, so I always tell The daughter's interest and passion about herself, let her know that in addition to taking care of her mother's life, she can also maintain curiosity and enthusiasm for other things. When the mother no longer has the inner lack and injustice, it is possible to establish a good mother-daughter relationship. Develop the personality of a healthy daughter.