Voluntary childlessness: Seven Asian women share their stories

Introduction: This article is translated from Tatler Asia's article " Being Childfree By Choice: 7 Asian Women Share Their Stories ", edited by Kate Appleton. July 12, 2021. The article features seven childless and successful Asian women who share their thoughts on having children.

More and more women are refusing to be mothers, so we spoke with women in Asia to understand why and the cultural norms they need to fight.

Many women are well acquainted with self-assertive judgments about their bodies – and for women of childbearing age, choosing to be childless can still lead to unpleasant problems and even judgmental selfishness of people who even say they are not women.

But, look at the news, voluntary childlessness is fast becoming the norm. In Singapore, despite government policies to encourage fertility, the fertility rate per woman is only 1.2. Hong Kong's fertility rate hit a 40-year low of 0.87 in 2020, and don't expect that to change anytime soon; more than half of women are Not wanting children involves financial stress, long working hours and cramped housing.

Sociologist Sandy To agrees that these are issues facing some regions, such as Hong Kong, but also argues that these surveys and news reports ignore a key consideration: "They need to consider women who may not want children."

So we decided to make a little contribution ourselves. We interviewed successful women, ranging in age from 25 to 65, about what being childless means to them. Their stories are inspiring, revealing different life paths and choices than motherhood. As for those naysayers? "Go ahead and ignore it," said Malaysian entrepreneur Raudhah Nazran.

"I've always wanted a life partner; children are not the reason to have a partner."

Pat Dwyer, 41, founder and director of The Purpose Business, Hong Kong

I was brought up by a single mom who made me believe I could do anything, and that's how she raised me, that "you and me against the world" feeling. She wanted children more than a partner, but I was the opposite.

As a Filipino, I was late at 31, 11 months after I met Chris. I'm not going to waste time on our first date. I told him that if you want kids, I'm not the right person for you. I know what I want and his life is not child driven. I found someone who was a good fit for me on many levels.

But there were also people who criticized me: "How dare you not have children with so many blessings?" Some even said, "Well, I see that you have a career of your own, which is understandable, but maybe you should have a real job. , and then consider having children." Simply. You shame all entrepreneurs and all childless female entrepreneurs. But there are others who say something nice and surprisingly pleasant.

Is it because I'm childless that I can do my job more consistently? Maybe, I have a colleague with three kids. Because I don't have that responsibility, I have plenty of room to pursue causes I'm passionate about, including working with the non-profit Enrich to improve the situation for women in the Philippines. As much as I love other people's children, I'm also very happy to be back in my own home without children.

"Being childless has brought me closer to my husband."

Elaine Lim-Chan, 49, Managing Director, Deutsche Bank Wealth Management, Singapore

My family is very connected. My sister and I chat every day, and my husband and I meet her daughter several times a week. When I was accepted to an expensive college in the US, I tried to express myself to express my gratitude to my parents.

I'm a perfectionist; I want to do everything well. One of the reasons I don't want kids is that I work hard. I look after some ultra-high net worth families in Asia and it takes a lot of work to gain and maintain their trust.

I also want to ensure work-life balance, not forgetting myself and my husband, and when you have kids, kids become the center of everything. My husband and I shared the decision not to have children and it brought us closer. We don’t need children to maintain our relationship, we don’t take each other for granted, and we can indulge in our own hobbies. One of my hobbies is driving; I am the first and only female president of the Ferrari Owners Club in Singapore.

My parents live with us, but you can't really guarantee that your kids will take care of you in your old age, as I remind my friends. You need to take responsibility for the decisions you make.

"Life is exciting when you're not constrained by tradition and maternal norms."

Jeannie Javelosa, 58, founder of ECHOstore and GREAT Women, Manila, Philippines

I was with my previous partner for 25 years, he was 20 years older than me and separated from his first wife (divorce is illegal in the Philippines). My family put pressure on me to leave him because it was against tradition, but I followed my heart. Outside of my social work, I also read soul destiny, I read images about astrology and share life insights.

It is very unfair for voluntary childless women to speak out selfishly because we each have our own path in life. I know the reason some people don't want a child is that she was abandoned by her own parents in a way, so she doesn't want to put the burden of healing herself on the child. In my reading experience, I've seen too many women who are tormented by their own mothers - mothers who try to control their children's lives or demand that they conform to norms.

Now I have a younger partner, 41, whom I met at an ayahuasca retreat, and who may want a child in the future. If that's the case, that may require a surrogate mother. It's a very modern way of thinking about being a mother. I think we need to redefine the definition of women and mothers, because my career gives me real satisfaction, and there are many aspects of my work that reflect motherhood. For some people in our community and on this planet, I am also providing some kind of parenting.

"I value my freedom and it's very important to feel my body belongs to me."

Sonia Wong, 32, lecturer in gender studies and co-founder of Women's Festival, Hong Kong

My father's family is from Chaozhou, a place with conservative gender attitudes, but my parents are proud of having two daughters. They gave me a lot of encouragement and gave me the opportunity to explore the life I wanted, so I never felt like I was limited to one path in my life.

Since I was about 18 or 20 years old, I've been pretty sure I'm not going to have kids -- I'm pretty sure I'm even planning to have my fallopian tubes ligated now. My boyfriend was supportive and knew I could do it, which gave me a great sense of autonomy. Still, it's a lot harder for women to get sterilized than for men, especially when you're young and don't have children.

I know couples who don't have children, but society is more receptive to the fact that it's the couple's decision, not the woman's. Even one of my progressive-minded friends advised me to wait, maybe in the future I would suddenly want kids. It's like saying that as an independent woman, I'm not sure what I want? This shows how deeply ingrained the idea of the female body as a reproductive body is.

When my college students became mothers, I explained that I would never want to be a mother myself - I already see these kids every day. The way I change the world is by changing people's minds, so my legacy will not be one child, but many children.

"Not having children doesn't make you motherless or compassionate."

Rumki Fernandes, 51, Chief HR and Talent Officer, Grey Group, Singapore

A lot of girls like to play with dolls and play house, but I have no memory of that. I never really wanted to be a mother. I love the feeling when I come home from school in India and see my mother and she'll be the first to say hello; but I don't think I'm that kind of person.

In my 20s, many of my friends became mothers and struggled. Even if you are married to someone with similar values and you have a similar career trajectory, it is more likely that the child becomes the mother's responsibility. Someone in a couple has to choose a tougher career and lifestyle, and I myself don't tend to put myself in that situation.

I married my college boyfriend, and we found that our life decisions were much easier because we didn't have to add kids. We have worked in India and London, then back in India and now in Singapore for eight years. Our jobs often require travel, and we also love to travel, engage in outdoor activities and enjoy great food on vacation. We even joined the same book club.

We never sit down and talk about it seriously; our lives don't seem to have any problems, and because kids are never a priority, we don't give it much thought. In India, people often intervene in their own way, they want to help but end up interfering with other people's lives. In Singapore, this issue is not a big deal and does not need to be discussed. Sometimes people we know ask why we don't have kids, but I don't think they see us differently because of that.

“It’s okay to have a baby at 31 or 39, and it’s okay to never have a baby.”

Raudhah Nazran, 25, founder of Accelerate, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

As a Malaysian and also a Muslim, one would expect me to have an heir for my husband. Fortunately, my mother and grandmother were progressive people. If you go to a rural community where we work, like Borneo, people will see it completely differently. The culture is that you get married at 19 or 20 and have kids at 21 or 22. If you don't, you will be marginalized by the community, which is really sad.

Accelerate also works with nursing homes, and when I talk to seniors, they ask, "When are you going to have a baby?" Even distant relatives and friends would inquire, so we felt relieved that no one was visiting this Eid al-Fitr.

I've only been married for a year, my husband is European, and I agree that there are many things to consider - are we financially stable and mentally and emotionally ready to have children. I think we will have children, but not anytime soon. I'm not the type of person to have children because of social pressure. I've cut ties with a lot of people who are not open-minded, moving forward and ignoring them.

"It's a blessing to be single because I can put my heart into my work."

Jessie Sincioco, 65, founder of Chef Jessie Restaurants, Manila, Philippines

I loved The Sound of Music as a kid and dreamed of becoming a nun. I am the eldest of six siblings, and I consider myself obligated to help my parents raise my younger siblings, which is one reason why I decided to stay single and not have children. In fact, I've been single all my life.

I was basically raised by my grandmother, an accountant who loves to cook. She encouraged me to enter a cooking competition, which we once won with a mango cake we made together. I won an intercontinental training course which opened my eyes. I told myself that this is what I want, this is where I want to be. Seven years later, I was named head pastry chef, the first Filipino head pastry chef in any Manila hotel.

To this day, my work is my life, and it is very fulfilling. My 120 employees have been with me for a long time, and I'm happy when I know they can afford a house or start a family. Did I miss something in my life? No, not missed at all.