Understanding others｜Take it the hard way

Understanding other people is ultimately difficult because people are complex. Therefore, our ancestors also gave up on "understanding others essentially". From Confucius' "Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you" to the golden rule of Christianity "Do to others as you want others to do to you", the commonality is that they give up the "true understanding" of others and instead assume The other party is the same as myself (thereby implying that all people are more or less the same, the so-called "people have the same mind and the same principles"), and then by understanding oneself and "using oneself to judge others", it is completed understanding of others. This is the world of Ethics 101.

Of course, there is also the world of ethical idiots: think back to the kindergarten kid who loved to snatch toys from other kids.

But "Ethics 101" is just the bottom line. To travel around the world, this alone is not enough. Then, there is a need to model others. From the "rational man assumption" of macroscopic classical economics that "everyone is prosperous" to the more microscopic logic of dealing with people, we need to have an assumption about what others care about most in order to cooperate better. For example, Fang Rong seems to assume that people are "people who do things." He cares most about what you care about and what you do recently, so that he can connect you with your upstream and downstream and potential peers. For example, Ruoyun assumes that people are "feeling people" and cares most about "how you feel now", whether you are sad, happy, satisfied, or empty. For example, I assume that people are "thinking people" and care most about what you are thinking and why you think that way. This is a step more evolved than the world of Ethics 101, because we no longer judge others by ourselves. Under the sieve of this model, people with similar interests will be screened out, and the other party will also use this model to understand you. And with training, one person can master multiple models and be "all-rounded". This is the world of "Ethics 201".

In fact, most of the time, having the skills of 101 and 201 is enough to travel in the world: when dealing with strangers, we use the logic of 101; when dealing with people with interests, we use the logic of 201. For most friends, although the skills of 201 and 101 seem a bit stiff, they are enough to make you a pretty good guy. After all, friends' expectations of you are generally specific and limited, and they will automatically manage their expectations.

But if you want to be a virtuous person in an intimate relationship, you need to enter the world of "Ethics 301". As the Western proverb goes, "The Devil is in the Details (The Devil is in the Details)", therefore, welcome to the world of the devil, because the world of Ethics 301 is all the complexity of human beings that has been wrapped up and abstracted before. They all ran out of the field. In the first two stages, people are doing the work of "aligning" with others. In this process, social norms are established. People who do not abide by social norms will gradually be marginalized. As the saying goes, "birds of a feather flock together, and people flock together." But in a serious intimate relationship, because the other party is so close, has exposed so many vulnerabilities, and will never consider "walking away" at any time, then you have to start from the simple, easy to align, and carry with you Break out of the world of social masks and return to your deepest desires and fears.

This Ethics 301 world is full of chaos, unknown and uncontrollable. The surface and the essence are often opposite, and the stated needs are often not consistent with the real needs. It often traps you in it and makes you unable to calmly jump out. See clearly. According to Han Bingzhe, this is also the realm of "others": In the world of 101 and 201, we don't need to face "others", and don't associate with people who don't feel comfortable. But in an intimate relationship, because you see so deeply and are so close, the "otherness" of this person who is destined to be different from you is really unavoidable and must be recognized. And if you treat your partner as "a certain type of person" and model him or her in a 201 way, you may anger some sensitive people. Speaking of which, the 201 method is nothing more than a routine. A serious intimate relationship must be anti-routine and about uniqueness.

I have always believed that human cognitive abilities are too limited compared to the complexity of the world and other people, so I never take "understanding others" as a matter of course. It can also be said that "understanding" is not achieved overnight, it requires tools and time. In the world of 301, psychologists are often experts (but they are still far from complete understanding, after all, it involves not only the heart, but also the world). For example, looking at childhood trauma and the subconscious from a psychoanalytic perspective is a tool in the 301 world. Everyone must have a unique personal history and develop unique experiences in the process of interacting with the world. These uniquenesses are unfathomably complex and almost unnecessary for limited cognition (either of others or of oneself). But in an intimate relationship, you still need to know what you can't do and do it.

Therefore, in my opinion, the world of 301 is also the closest to the nature of the world, and I am afraid it will take a lifetime to explore.