us and them

After our cat Shirley passed away last year, we placed her ashes in potting soil and planted a cherry blossom tree, which we named Shirley. It means it is always with us. Sometimes when I think about it, I will go to the yard, talk to the tree, and send my thoughts to the tree, as if it has always been around.

Although we keep pets, is it possible that they also keep our hearts? Our love and care for them have become the most important thing in our hearts, and every move we make is also important to them.

I had an argument with my husband before, and my voice became loud and shrill due to the ups and downs of my emotions. My Furby cat actually ran up to me and looked at me doubtfully, as if asking me: Mommy, what's wrong with you? Why is it so loud? Seeing its expression, I immediately discovered that such a scene actually had a profound impact on them, and even made them feel insecure. So I quickly turned around and spoke to it, telling it: It's okay, Mommy is okay.

Since that day, every time my voice got louder, it would always look at me with the same look, making me feel guilty and ashamed. We already have a dependent relationship with each other, and no one can live without the other. This is my new discovery.

When I was pruning the pepper tree in the yard outside today, I was surprised to find that the Shirley tree has grown very tall, about 2.5 meters high, but its stems are still very thin and it is a young tree. It was so fast. Seeing the growth of this tree, there was an excitement flowing inside me. His eyes became hot unconsciously.

And the Shirley tree grows gracefully, just like it was graceful when it was alive. This situation reminds me of Wu Xiaole 's book " But I Just Don't Like It". The article about fetishes in the book describes how after the parrot she had raised at home for 10 years passed away due to a tumor, her heart seemed to be missing a corner.

And when I see the sweet-scented osmanthus tree with it buried in the pot at home blooming, the wound in my heart since the parrot left is filled by the symbol of the blooming sweet-scented osmanthus in another form.

She described it like this: " I felt something small, furry and light and warm. It jumped into the hole in my heart that had been filled with blood day and night since he left. It fit perfectly and stopped. The still flow of blood."

And this feeling is really tumbling in my heart today, and this feeling can never go away in my heart for a long time. Finally I can understand why she expressed it in such words. I long for myself to have more narrative ability to express the unspeakable bits and pieces. However, there are not enough words in my heart that can bring me the same feeling.

Like the poem I once wrote I miss what's in me

The beauty of words is a shortcoming that I cannot hide

This is my pain. Sometimes I feel that I have been too harsh on myself. No words represent a certain look. These are all the meanings given by the writer. Why should I care so much? Yes, why am I so persistent that I can’t get out of here? Perhaps you came up with the idea of ​​finding a unique creative distinction of your own. Is it possible to realize this idea? If you just take advantage of the situation, you will definitely not be able to achieve your goals.

Sigh~Why are my thoughts so complicated today? I must be missing Shirley. Looking at this Shirley tree, I felt inexplicably emotional, as if there was a warm current flowing through my heart.