God's Guard

Two days ago, I saw someone with depression said on the Internet that they felt scared when they saw the word "depression" and thought of Voldemort who didn't dare to call him by his first name. Harry Potter author JK Rowling is also deeply troubled by depression, and it is said that the Dementor who can suck all joy and hope is the embodiment of depression in her eyes. I also saw someone say that dark dog is an alias for depression. The origin is that Churchill said that depression is a black dog who is chasing him. I also think of Sirius. Although his incarnation is a big black dog, he is Harry's hope. After knowing that Sirius passed away, I couldn't calm down for a long time and gave up reading, and it took about 34 years to open this set of books. For the same reason, I also abandoned One Piece after Ace died (and of course because the plot was too slow to update).

Recently, I have been silently watching the event of "I Talk to Emotions" on Matters, saying it was a bystander because I didn't read any of the articles. My hands seem to be frozen, there are so many things I want to say, but I can't write, there are so many articles I want to read, but I don't want to click on them. When I occasionally bask in the sun, I feel that it is just right to look at it, click in and slide a few times, and then turn it off. Watching everyone write articles, communicate with each other, and follow social news, I feel envious and a little guilty at the same time. But I know that I have no strength. I am in the eye of an emotional storm, and I carefully balance my mental state in order not to be involved.

I experienced an emotional breakdown two days ago. On the one hand, I did encounter difficulties. On the other hand, it may be that I let myself collapse a little waywardly, because I wanted to get the care and comfort of others. I cried all day, my eyes were sore, and when I was bored and a little embarrassed, this article about crying happened to be on the homepage. What a coincidence. What a coincidence. I left a message saying that I cried because I was still alive, which is true. A few years ago, when I was frantically testing the edge of "depression", I couldn't even cry. I was worried about insomnia all night, and dared not talk to others. Now I not only dare to cry, but also dare to cry for others to see, which is really a big progress.

Unlike people who are afraid of the word "depression", I will not hesitate to tell others that I was once in such a whirlpool. I seem to be someone who is naturally not afraid to expose myself. Therefore, in the eyes of some elders, they felt that I was "not good", so they were educated more fiercely. When I was in my early twenties, I broke up in love, wrote an article to express my inner sadness, and was commented by some close friends at the time as "hypocritical". They will also gain some trust and be secretly sent private messages to tell me that they also have such troubles, and ask me how you got better and how you dealt with it. Is this really normal?

I'll tell them it's normal, don't beat yourself up. Afterwards, ask yourself, is this really normal? Can you use a set of logical and rational theories to prove that this is normal? Since I'm not a descendant of Freud or Socrates, I can't do it. So often while wondering, I tell myself that you are normal, so don’t be afraid.

Adults are responsible for themselves and make their own decisions. But when things are not going well, it is inevitable to think, what if what others say is right, in case the best opportunity is missed, in case I lose the person I love most because of my choice. In human society, the most exciting and interesting thing is uncertainty, and the most fearful thing is also uncertainty. Human beings are greedy, and fixed income cannot be satisfied. In finance, various pricing models are invented, quantitative analysis and trading, and finally artificial intelligence is used, without exception, to minimize uncertainty. But the market always hits you hard when you are most confident, telling you that you can beat me once, but you can't beat me forever. So is life.

Focusing on the topic of emotions was inspired by the book "Memoirs of a Stock Operator" four or five years ago. At that time, I found this book by accident, and I was thinking about learning about trading, but I didn't expect to go to Douban to read the introduction and evaluation. Watching the ups and downs of Livermore's life, it is quite heroic in watching professional Hong Kong dramas in the 90s, and it is a real story. I thought it would at least be a dull ending. The big player quit the trading market and spent his old age in peaceful villages in the United States. As a result, the last dozen or so pages of the plot unfolded completely unexpectedly, and it came to an abrupt end, and I broke out in a cold sweat. It turns out that such a successful legend would also commit suicide. Success in the worldly sense does not necessarily lead to a happy and fulfilling life. I began to reflect on what emotion is, and why some people are taboo and some people dare not mention it. Even if I think it is normal to have emotions, I still need a rational and logical statement to "rationalize" emotions in order to fully convince myself.

This is a very difficult question to answer. Whether it is mainstream thought in Europe and the United States or Confucian culture in East Asia, "extroversion" and "calm" are regarded as "good" characters, while "introversion", "sadness" and "crying" are regarded as things that need to be changed. This may be the trend of human beings. It is the nature of animals to avoid harm. There's no denying that being "extroverted" and having a happy mood is desirable. However, it takes courage to be aware of negative emotions, and to accept and accept (first and foremost) negative emotions in a sincere and unabashed manner. The best way to heal a wound is not to cover it up so that no one can see it, and the same goes for depression, that's what I think.

Remembering that JK Rowling invented the spell to deal with dementors for the wizarding world (or for herself?), the silver image of the guardian of the gods is the person and thing you trust most, but the first condition is that you can't escape, you must face the dementor Hold back your fear when ghosting, and try to recall memories that make you happy. I wish the present me, and everyone with bad moods, that in the long journey of life, not only can I find my own spell to dispel the haze, but also have the courage to face the fear.