I interviewed massage girls in New York

The night rises from the earth

cover the bright sky

Desolate land after harvest

The night rises from within you

you are from far away

I go far away

The long journey passes here

nothing in the sky

why do you comfort me

——Hai Zi, "Dedication of Poems in the Dark Night - Dedicated to the Daughter of the Dark Night"

Friends around me may know that in the summer after my first year of law school, I decided to take a year off before continuing my studies. And that summer's legal internship in "anti-human trafficking" was a big reason for the suspension. But I rarely talk about that experience to the people around me. It's not that I don't want to talk about it, or that I'm too embarrassed to bring it up, but because I haven't come out of the traumatic memory for a long time. If I think about it or talk about it, I will flash back to the scene, and then be swallowed up by strong emotions, my body is very rigid and "freeze", and there is no way to summarize my own experience and experience in a coherent and high-level manner. The psychotherapist I was at school at the time suggested that I go to a doctor for medication, and recommended me to see an off-campus therapist for more frequent appointments (the on-campus psychotherapist can only have two-week appointments due to the huge demand of students). talk once). I looked at the list of recommended therapists she gave me, all of them specializing in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTST). So I most likely had PTST symptoms because of secondary trauma during this job. Fortunately, the support from my family and friends during my one-year sabbatical helped me recover from it. Even my previous years of depression and anxiety have recovered. So, this may also be a story of a lost horse and a blessing in disguise.

I go far away

Why vicarious trauma? Because most of the people I interviewed were too bitter and had various traumatic experiences.

The NGO I belong to is very large, and the two largest departments are the "anti-domestic violence" and "anti-human trafficking" departments. I'm in the "anti-trafficking" department. The subjects of my interviews did not come to the door for help by themselves, but were basically forced to interview us after being arrested by the police. The basic process is that the police raid some informal massage parlors, and then arrest these masseuses who don't speak English at all.

We all know that many of these massage parlors are in the flesh business under the guise of massage. But in fact, in New York, prostitution is a misdemeanor (there is a lot of debate as to whether prostitution, an adult-like sex trade, should be acquitted or even legalized, and different schools of feminism are also competing against this attitude, very different), and "unlicensed massage" is a felony.

Of course, my interviewees wouldn't know about this bizarre and completely opposite legal clause in China, and because of their face, most of them insisted that they were massages without a license, and were unwilling to admit that they had been involved in the sex trade.

However, the court has also realized in recent years that many undocumented immigrants who do massage should not be regarded as criminals, but are likely to go astray or even be "forced into prostitutes". Therefore, after being arrested, you can be exonerated as long as you participate in a series of "mandatory studies". To come to our department for an interview is a part of "compulsory learning".

The primary purpose of the interview is to determine whether the interviewee is "likely" a victim of "human trafficking". It was only after participating in the interview that I discovered that the legal concept of "human trafficking" in the United States is very broad, which is very different from my original imagination. The human trafficking I imagined is a story of "children and women being sold to the mountains". It is called human trafficking only if they are imprisoned and their freedom restricted. But U.S. law emphasizes the concept of "coerce": as long as it is coerced because of the status of an "undocumented immigrant", it counts as human trafficking. Even if there is no imprisonment, just verbal coaxing and threats, letting you go to work with him and not letting you leave freely, it can be counted.

And many of my Chinese clients, by this broad definition, are "likely" victims of "human trafficking." They are basically rural Chinese women between the ages of 30-60. Most people have only primary or junior high school education, and many people have not even graduated from primary school. Although everyone's story is different, most people's experiences are like this: I heard from little sisters, fellow villagers, or intermediaries/smugglers that the job opportunities in the United States are particularly good, and they can make big money and US dollars. But I don't have any savings, I don't know English, and I haven't even been on a plane before. How can I go to the United States? The intermediary will say, it doesn't matter, I will apply for a tourist visa for you and buy a ticket to the United States. When you go to the embassy for an interview, just say that you are going to the United States to play. But if you can come to the United States, you have to remember that you owe us hundreds of thousands, or even hundreds of thousands of RMB, and you have to work part-time to pay it back.

After arriving in Flushing, New York, they found that America was not full of gold. Although the money is made in dollars, it is also spent in dollars. What's more, they have no identity, can't speak English, and have no diploma, so they can only work in the Chinese circle. Serving dishes, being a babysitter, and doing manicures are the only options. But nail salons need a bit of craftsmanship, otherwise they won't make much money. When it comes to serving dishes and being a babysitter, many young people in their twenties can't take it anymore. The pressure to repay the debt is still on the head.

At this time, you may choose to work in a massage parlor. Even if the boss doesn't teach how to massage at all, he usually doesn't pay the basic salary, takes away the passport, installs cameras in the store to monitor all the time, and asks to stay overnight in the store, which doesn't sound like a reliable job. But often there is no turning back.

Some "sisters" around her (usually from the hometown who persuaded her to come to the United States, people introduced by intermediaries, or people who introduced her to work in a massage parlor) also came to persuade her that to make money, she could only do this business in the United States. We all do this. You are so old and can't speak English, it's still illegal, the police will arrest you as soon as you go out. It's better to hurry up, make a lot of money, and send dollars home.

How much is the big money? Usually 80 dollars a time. That's what pretty much everyone told me, and it seems like Flushing's going price. As for how many masseuses can stay, it depends on the boss. Usually around $20. The more black-hearted boss obviously requires employees to stay overnight in the store, to serve customers at any time, and to charge "accommodation fees". So some people can save money to pay off their debts, and some people have nothing.

In fact, many people told me that they had regretted it and did not want to stay in the United States at all. I owe a lot of debt and no money to buy a plane ticket, so I want to be sent back to China as soon as possible. But I have no choice but to tell them that the U.S. government is not that efficient, and even if you want to go to immigration court to nod and plead guilty, the time you are scheduled to get on a plane is often measured in years. Because there are too many "illegal immigrants". In the past few years, to eat, to be forced to pay debts, I am afraid that many people can only follow the old road.

The above is still a relatively "good" boss. This type of boss often sees the dragon but does not see the end, and only commands remotely through the phone. Although they are constantly monitored by cameras and regularly sent to the door to collect the income, but if they really want to leave, the boss will not stop them forcibly. There are also stores with subordinates who watch the store, which really restricts freedom by force. Even more frightening is the violent imprisonment, such as forcibly taking people to a hotel in the suburbs. The reason given by some bosses is that when you are old, you have to "send" you to a place where there are few Chinese people. Anyway, stupid foreigners can't tell the age of the Chinese people. Those who were imprisoned in hotel rooms, recalled with particular fear. It's terrifying to think about being isolated and helpless, in a situation where you don't understand the language at all, you don't have any companions by your side, and you're going to suffer sexual violence at any time.

Another eldest sister told me that where she was, several other "little girls" in their twenties had been drugged. The traffickers put drugs in their tea. The traffickers themselves use drugs. After they took drugs, they raped the girls, took pictures, and put them on the Internet, together with the video of sex trafficking.

I asked my eldest sister, have they hurt you? The eldest sister said, I told them that I was too old to sell for a price. They just let me cook and do laundry. I don't know if this lady is telling the truth to me.

you are from far away

In addition to interviewing my experiences in the United States, I also interview my sisters about their experiences in China. Most of these eldest sisters not only had a hard time in the United States, but also had a hard time in China. In fact, it's not surprising to think about it. If it weren't for the hard life in China, who would have taken the risk of borrowing money to come to the United States when they were middle-aged, no English, and no education?

The reasons why most people come to the United States, or in other words, the reasons why they feel "unable to survive" and "no way out" in China include divorce and no place in their hometown, wanting to divorce but unable to leave, being abused by domestic violence, and being abused by their in-laws. , Continuously being harassed by creditors after failing to do business, repeatedly getting pregnant for fear of paying overtime fines and having multiple abortions, etc.

The most common is domestic violence. Their marriages are basically blind dates by their parents, and then they get married at a young age (in their teens or early twenties). I don't know if this method of marriage with "Chinese characteristics" is different from the arranged marriage in the old society. But many people say that they only got to know their husbands after they got married.

The longest I have worked with, and the only client I have helped with green card applications, is in his fifties, the age of my parents. But recalling her first marriage when she was less than 20 years old, she would keep crying, shaking, covering her face with her hands, tossing about pain and fear. She grew up in the countryside, big concept books to elementary school. When she was older, she married her parents according to her parents' ideas, only to find that her husband's biggest hobby was to strip her of all her clothes and then fight. Slaps, shoes, belts, sticks, use them all. She said that she couldn't help but ran to the neighbor's house to complain. Even the neighbor's eldest sister cried after seeing her wound, saying, eldest sister, your life is too hard. Speaking of which, she would hug her arms, waist, and legs, as if twenty years later, those wounds were still aching. Because of the interview request, I also asked her if the ex-husband had forced her to have sex when she was reluctant. Naturally there are.

Later, she tried her best to divorce the man. Later, she married a man more than 30 years older than her in China. She was very grateful to her second husband, saying that he treated her well and never hit her. But when she was emotionally unstable, especially when she talked about being tricked into going to a suburban hotel in America, trying to force her to pick up guests, and then escaping from her, she would cover her face and say, "My life is so miserable!" My life is so miserable! Then again weeping about the horrors of her first husband.

But in fact, this eldest sister is fortunately, she also successfully divorced, and the next marriage is happy. Many of the interviewees never got married at all. Or divorced, but "can't stay" anymore. When I first heard this statement, I was secretly disbelieving it. This is also my own shallow knowledge: I grew up in a big city, and my parents and elders all have women who have divorced and remarried very well. I have never heard of being excluded after a divorce. But with more interviews, I suddenly realized that this is probably true. In China in the 21st century, there are still many places that do not accept "divorced women". In other words, maybe I read something in the report, in which the protagonist suddenly appeared alive in front of me, and reluctantly told me about the past experience. This kind of shock is very strong. During the interview process, I also repeatedly felt the thinness of my experience, the narrowness of my vision, and my luck and privilege.

impression

Finally, I want to talk about my own feelings. Doing this job is particularly difficult for me for several reasons.

First of all, my sisters were very reluctant to start chatting with me. Even, many people strongly distrust us. The reason is also very simple. After they were arrested by the police, they were asked by the court to come and interview us. Therefore, they naturally decided that our NGO, the police, and the courts must be "one gang". They are afraid that they will be severely convicted after being "outspoken" by us. This is because the Chinese and American systems are so different. Applying their life experiences in China, it is difficult for them to understand the American way. Correspondingly, sisters in South America who are in a similar situation can usually understand what our NGO is doing in a few words. As for the Chinese eldest sisters, it is often difficult for the previous "confidentiality agreement" before the conversation. It takes a long time to explain, and some people are still reluctant to sign, and the interview cannot go on. She may have to go back to court for this and may be convicted. (This "non-disclosure agreement" means that everything in this interview will be kept confidential and will not be disclosed to any department, including the police, unless the client's permission is obtained. So it is a very basic document.)

Another reason for the reluctance of the sisters is because we asked them about their experiences that were difficult to share, such as whether they had been involved in sex trafficking, had they been sexually assaulted, had they been subjected to domestic violence in the past, and so on. It usually takes a long time to test and slowly gain trust before they can speak.

So why do I ask people such embarrassing questions? In particular, why ask people about their experiences in China? This is a set of questions that my department has set for interviews, regardless of where the victim is from, to ask about past experiences. Because if the other party is determined to be a victim of "human trafficking", our department can help them apply for a special type of visa, called "Victim of Human Trafficking Visa", or T visa for short. The experience before coming to the United States can help explain how they came to the United States. If they have had some difficulties in China, it can also indirectly indicate that they are not suitable to be sent back to China, which can increase the probability of obtaining a T visa. With this visa, you can enjoy a series of benefits, including receiving minimum living allowances, as well as free medical services. Because of the physical and mental trauma, most victims require psychological and physical treatment, so medical insurance is very valuable to them.

However, I tried so hard to explore the privacy of the eldest sister I never knew, which also made me feel very uncomfortable and very embarrassed. When documenting and translating details of various types of sexual violence, I often empathize with humiliation and pain. But I also thought that as an interviewer, I should clearly convey understanding, peace and security. It filled me with frustration and a feeling of being clumsy and unseemly.

In addition, my first legal work internship also completely broke through my naive understanding of the profession of lawyers. In law school, I learned that being a lawyer is not about taking your own position. The customer's position is your position. The lawyer is to inform the client all the information, and then let him make his own decision (informed decision). Then, it's just a matter of implementing the customer's wishes.

But, while doing this job, I found this to be an idealistic assumption. Or, if your clients are big companies, maybe the whole process can be so rational and clear. And the reality I face is that when you tell a client the information, she doesn't know whether to trust you or not, so what should you do? You simply can't be that rational and neutral; you always have to "convince" clients, or at least try to "instill" some information into them.

For example, many of my clients trust the "law firms" in Chinatown to help them with their identity issues. Those "law firms" often charge thousands more, but our NGO doesn't charge them, but the older sisters feel that we are not as good as others. I have seen the immigration applications submitted by those law firms on their behalf, and many of them are written in unintelligible manners, which are obviously not intentional. There are also some materials that are completely different from what the elder sisters said, and they must have used their own templates. In this way, at the interview stage, if you are asked a few more questions, it is easy to be seen through and rejected. However, because immigration court procedures often take several years, and the elder sisters do not understand English, it is not easy for these black-hearted law firms to reveal their secrets. Instead, they feel that the safety of these years is a reflection of the level of these "law firms".

I think this kind of people who make black money from their own countrymen are the most hateful. It's a pity they're very crafty, like massage parlors, and generally never give their real names. So even if the eldest sister in the interview doesn't believe us and doesn't want to talk about her own experience, I have to tell her repeatedly that if she finds a lawyer herself, she needs to see the lawyer's certificate of the other party, and the information of "true" American lawyers is public on the Internet. should be able to query. It's a pity that most of the eldest sisters don't understand English, so I don't know if this can really help them.

Another shocking point for me is that my understanding and imagination of "China" have undergone a great change. Since I was a child, I was a "good student" who followed the rules and followed the steps step by step. Recently, there is a very popular concept called "small town to be a quiz home". Then I think, I am afraid that I am an "important town to be an essayist", because I have been growing up in a big city, and I have no experience outside of reading. At that time, I naively thought that with the one-child generation, "gender equality", like "well-off", had been "basically realized" in China in the 21st century. Failing to complete the nine-year compulsory education, "blind" marriage, difficult divorce, domestic violence, sexual violence, these kinds of appalling things are enough to be published in the newspapers, shouldn't they be few?

But after the first year in the United States, it was the first time that I communicated with my compatriots so intensively, but I found that these pains were the daily life of some of my compatriots. I suddenly realized that not only did I not understand American society, but I also didn't understand the home country where I was born and raised. This shock shook my identity. who I am? where am i from? I felt like I was floating in the wind. I am not familiar with and understand nowhere, so I don’t belong anywhere, and there is no homeland where I can “go back”. I am nobody, nobody. This identity pain was also a straw that led to my depression.

After coming out of depression, I think, what I've learned is never to be self-righteous. Sitting in an ivory tower, or in an office with air conditioning and heating, it is pitiful and even hateful to feel that you understand reality. Only when you grit your teeth and admit your ignorance can you learn.

Talking face-to-face with my interviewees gradually forced me to think of the lyric again and again, "What I have is a fluke, what I have lost is my life." Although my interviewers and I seemed to be very different, I came to realize that all of these differences were "outsides", pure accidents, not necessarily, or any difference in nature or even intelligence between me and them .

On the outside, I am a glamorous international student, about to get a Juris Doctor degree from a prestigious school and become a New York lawyer. The interviewers across the table are often elementary or junior high school graduates. Some people have difficulty reading Chinese, and they don’t understand English at all. They are “illegal immigrants” who smuggled into the United States. They were arrested by the police because of their ambiguous occupation as an irregular “massage girl”. went to court. However, in the process of interviewing them, a thought gradually hovered over me: if I was born in her family, the person sitting across the table must be me. In her situation, I can't do better than them. Although many of them have no education, they have a smart energy and a ruthless energy to fight for life, which I admire very much. However, because of lack of vision and knowledge, rather than lack of intelligence, they often have difficulty collecting and identifying useful information and making the best choice. As a result, I took a lot of detours and suffered a lot.

Even after someone told me the story of her fifty years of life, in my opinion, she has tried her best and made the best choice, but she still falls into a situation of pain and humiliation. Why so?

An artist I like very much, left a note before committing suicide: "I haven't done bad things in my life, why is this happening?"

The answer is probably that the world is indeed unfair. It is not easy to recognize and accept this without being depressed.

In the following years, I became more and more concerned with many left-wing social issues, including equality, women's rights, etc. This effect seems to be imperceptible. After I came out of my depression, I realized that my self-deprecation as a survivor didn't help. Only by giving more people, from birth, more opportunities to grow up healthily, gain knowledge, and pursue happiness, can the injustice and pain in the world be reduced.

Finally, one of my overturned cognitions is a very idealistic idea of mine for a long time, that is, "people can maintain their own dignity". I thought that money, status, material things, and health might all be lost, but as long as I am strong and work hard, I can maintain some kind of spiritual self-esteem.

But after listening to the stories of my sisters losing their financial resources, losing their freedom, being excluded, being beaten, being sexually abused, and so on, I realized, ah, what a lucky child I am to be able to maintain such a romantic ideal for more than 20 years ideas of ideology. Some people are not strong enough, but respect and dignity are totally a luxury to them, not a basic cover.

To quote my good friend Nancy: Love is like human rights, everyone is entitled to it, but not everyone has it. (romantic love is exactly like human rights; everyone deserves it, not everyone gets it.)

Let me modify this sentence to say: Dignity is like love; everyone is entitled to be loved, but not everyone is really lucky to be favored by the god of love at this moment in this life.

Finally, I would like to finish quoting the full text of Hai Zi's poem. Poetry is like music, it sings out what I don't know in my heart.

Desolate land after the harvest

People take a year's harvest

Took the grain and rode the horse

Those left in the ground, buried deep

Pitchfork sparkles, straw piles on fire

Paddy heap in dark barn

Too dark in the barn, too quiet, too harvest

It's too desolate, I saw the eyes of the King of Hell in the harvest

Flock of birds like black raindrops

Fly from dusk to night

The night is nothing

why do you comfort me

walking on the road

sing out loud

wind blows over hills

Above is the boundless sky