Reading Notes "A Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Child Will Be Glad You Read It)"

●Traditional parenting advocates that children should not be allowed to "do whatever they want". I think that's what the old man said when he said "Did she win?" and he thought I was "picking myself up". I hear it all the time every time people talk about children being tempered. Parents seem to be very afraid of their children's temper. They think that as long as a child is tempered, he will always be the kind of temper tantrum in the future. In this win-lose game, if parents insist on winning, there is no winner at all. This kind of game is only manipulative and has no mutual understanding. This game is not real, it is made up by the parents themselves.

●If your parenting style is mostly about imposing your ideas on your child, the relationship patterns your child learns from this style can be detrimental. When a child learns only this limited choice of roles ("doer" and "receptor", or in other words, "dominant" and "submissive"), it greatly limits his human potential. For example, if a child's most experienced role is the victim and the bully, he may become the bully, or become a victim at every turn. Winning and losing games can also affect children's emotions. Losing a battle of ideas is often embarrassing, and embarrassment does not make one more humble, but makes one angry. That anger may turn inward to the ego, leading to depression, or outward, leading to antisocial behavior.

●The three main ways to discipline a child's behavior are usually:

1 Strict discipline is probably the most common form of discipline, which is the imposition of an adult's will on a child.

2. Lax discipline means that you never talk to your child about any standards or expectations. Such parents who are not very disciplined are usually because they are anxious about parenting and are afraid to take risks, or because they have grown up under the strict discipline of tiger parents and tiger mothers. Some children can set their own standards and expectations, but not every child can. A child may feel overwhelmed and insecure when he does not know what others expect of him.

3. Cooperative discipline means you and your child think together to solve problems, and you act more like a counselor than a dictator. This is my favorite method because it's a parent and child looking for a solution to a problem together.

●Cooperative discipline, how does it work?

1. Define the problem by defining yourself.

"I want your room to be tidy, I want you to tidy up."

2. Find out the feelings behind your child's behavior. Children may need help.

For example, "A friend made a mess in your room, so you don't think it's fair that you have to clean it, right?", "Do you think the task is too hard to finish?"

3. Acknowledge those feelings.

"I know that feels unfair" or "big tasks always feel too big to start with at first".

4. Brainstorm solutions.

"I still want you to clean up the room. What do you think is the easiest way to do this?"

5. Stick with it and repeat the necessary steps.

● Think of older adolescents as tenants. If you don't know what boundaries are reasonable for your child, you can think of him as a tenant living in your home. You can still set house rules, but your house rules define yourself, not him. If you think of your coming-of-age child as a tenant, give him the distance he longs for and respect each other.

●Like I suggest that you look back on your childhood to notice how that experience affects our parenting. Now that we are adults, we can also see how our parents treat us now. In the future, when our children are adults, we can decide what to do and what not to do. If we are lucky enough to live a long life, we may have to rely on our children to make decisions for us in the final stages of the parent-child relationship. It will be easier for both us and the child if we learn to trust the child. Parenting means that you are the parent when the child is young; then, you and the child are adults; and finally, you may become a child in the eyes of the adult child. If we can play these roles flexibly, it will be easier for everyone.

~Psychotherapist/Philippa Perry

~ "A book you wish your parents had read (and your child will be glad you read it)"

~The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will be Glad That You Did)

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