To love the one you love Ch.02 - Mom asked me: "Would you like to be transgender!"

Original Title: Identity of Body and Appearance

That was after I had dated several times with the same sex, and I had a relationship with someone over 30 years old, but the same sex could not get married. My mother suddenly asked a question. I widened my eyes, raised my voice and didn't look at my mother's reply: "Uh, you What are you thinking about?"

Regarding "gender identity", in a society where gender is "absolute" and "dichotomous", most girls who are masculine like me and some boys who are feminine should more or less encounter such questions : Do you/do you want to Become a boy/girl? Or among peers, there will be any gender-related ridicule: who is not a boy or a girl, a sissy without a dick, a man woman, a ladyboy, a pervert... This kind of "ignorant joke" is full of me. childhood.

I was born into a "waiting for a boy" family. According to my mother, my grandfather who died early was a man who loved his granddaughter very much. I didn't have time to be held in love with him. Instead, in my grandfather's concept of valuing sons and daughters, I became what adults call "it's a pity that I'm a girl again" , and I was too much. Neutral behavior, often forgetting my original gender, so that adults often joke about my gender, as if I was punished by God, because of some crime, I lost the man I should have genitals, become a male wife who is neither male nor female.

No one has ever asked me, "What is your gender identity?" Everyone put me in the position of "wanting to be a boy" according to my choice of clothes, toys, and behavior, and never cared about my feelings , as if I really long for myself to actually grow chickens, birds, brothers, eggs... these genitals that do not belong to my biological sex.

My gender identity has always been "female". This answer is likely to subvert the imagination of any relatives and friends who grew up with me (even everyone who knew me later). To be more precise, I believe that gender is between "organs". In addition, it is quite diverse, it will not be a dichotomy between male and female, and it will draw a clear line of gender; if you can choose "neutral" in the field of the ID card, I should not hesitate to use it. It's gender-neutral, not "female" for biological sex or "male" as most people categorize me.

On the spectrum of lesbian-male bias, there are more people who hardly make a clear distinction in their hearts: I want to be a boy, so I make myself very masculine? Am I making myself masculine because I'm not pretty and have a bad figure (and low self-esteem)? Did I play the boy because I was expected to be a boy?

These questions often become the key to "self-identification".

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Time to pull back my childhood.

My mother often had to pay me fifty yuan to wear skirts. She never asked me "Why don't you like wearing skirts?", and I couldn't say "Why don't I wear skirts?" Or adults often tilt their heads to look at me. My words and deeds are also like children of my age, they play those very ignorant gender jokes to me, they ask me to "be like a girl", and at the same time they think that I "want to be a boy", which often makes me very uncomfortable. Confused, why do you want me to walk dignifiedly all of a sudden, and then talk about "It's a pity that this child is not a man!" (What do you want from me?)

But what I want to ask most often is: Why do girls have to make themselves a beautiful doll like a princess? Can't I be a handsome girl? And I hate being lifted by boys, and I don’t like being restricted by being a girl ? Combing Barbie's hair, players' house wine, and playing with building blocks, toys assembled from parts, cars, and planes are the right of boys?

Of course, no one knows these ramblings in my heart, they always push me out of the group roughly, neither can I enter the group of girls, nor do I want to collide with each other a lot like boys, so I always Alone in the crowd.

And my neutrality of being neither male nor female (both male and female) became my confrontation with all the gender-setting standards in the world.

When my peers used those "ignorant and harmless" descriptions to laugh at me, I used to feel scared (but not inferior to being feminine enough), I was afraid that my physical characteristics would grow organs of another gender from my genitals , and anxiously hope that the time of my youth development will come soon.

When some female classmates showed their physical features and shyly took out sanitary pads from their schoolbags before they entered the junior high school, I was too nervous because I hadn't even seen my body change when I arrived at the junior high school, "I will not Could it be a shemale? (When I was a child, I didn't know that there are two sexual organs that should be called "intersex")" I felt a stomachache and begged my mother to take me to see the obstetrics and gynecology department; I did not express my fears and worries to adults. When I expressed it, the male doctor immediately asked, "Have you ever had sex?" I was so frightened that I didn't dare to say to my mother in the future, "I have a stomachache."

Until I started to develop all the characteristics of sexual sex, I finally breathed a sigh of relief: "I'm a girl, I'm a girl!" But I still worry in my heart whether I will suddenly find out that I have a boy's chicken one day. Chicken ah ah ah! (This shadow will have nightmares until long, long after adulthood!)

My mother kept threatening me when I was growing up: "How can you marry a boy like you?", "What if you don't wear a skirt when you get married?"

I always answer my mother's questions in childlike words: "The person who wants to marry me has to like me!" "I don't want to wear a wedding dress when I get married! I want to wear jeans." Taking wedding photos, I want to think of myself as a princess, and not everyone wants a romantic proposal! It’s embarrassing~)

I think I have some kind of stubborn resistance gene in me. Maybe I just want to fight against all the rules of "gender", I don't want to be a pretty princess in all the ways of objectifying women, and I don't want to be called "" Sir." So I chose everything that looked maverick in the eyes of ordinary people.

I like all the qualities of both genders in myself, and the body, the figure, and all the weird, awkward, and different things my parents gave me (although I often don't like being too tall to be the center of attention), and I don't want to be a Certain standards change my appearance, and I am even more unwilling to change the self that my parents gave me and that I like "for the sake of being loved" and "liked by others".

It's difficult to teach anyone who is still in the gender quagmire the secrets of "how to ignore the eyes of others?" and "how to have the confidence to identify with your own choices?"! It is definitely not that the phrase "just be yourself" can be vaguely passed. Before enjoying "being yourself", people need to "know themselves better" and "like themselves more" in order to face any ignorance that "they all think they are not malicious." Joke" without feeling hurt energy!

"I didn't want to be transgender!" I said to my mother later.

I love the body my parents gave me. Although I was always mistaken for a male because I was too tall, I was nervous to enter and leave quickly every time I went to the toilet, so as not to always be cast unfriendly eyes, but I still like myself very much.

Girls, why must they be beautiful, but not handsome?

I'll say it again sincerely: "The length of your hair" has nothing to do with "people think you're a boy".

A sturdy girl with a big skeleton like a baseball player and a girl with a body like Lin Chiling cut their hair into a popular men's hairstyle at the same time. More than 90% of people will not think that a woman with Lin Chiling's body is a boy! This is a kind of myth, is it possible that the strong girl with a big skeleton wants to cut her bones? Or do you try your best to lose weight so that you won't be seen as a boy? This is back into gender stereotypes!

In addition to the fact that biological sex can be accurately divided, everyone has different characteristics, and it is not necessarily male or female.

Picture: 20101229 Bare II, me. Canon EOS 450D