I know you're watching so I'm writing to you

I once had a girlfriend who was an editor of a fashion magazine. She spoke witty and elegant, and she had her own set of judgments and unique evaluations of everything that is currently popular and so-called "fashion", which is interesting and detrimental. I used to wear tinted glasses for my views on this industry, and I never thought that there are such special women in this very illusory circle. I seem to be born to be easily influenced by this kind of independent mind in a certain environment Attracted by the opposite sex. At that time, I never thought that we could have a relationship. After all, I was just a poor child who only paid attention to simple clothes and only bought black and gray colors. I felt a little inferior, and it was unexpected.

Her aesthetics also began to influence me subtly. She would recommend me many records and movies that I had never known before, which greatly enriched my spiritual life. I am extremely happy with the intellectual exchanges between the two of them. In addition, she has never interfered and demanded too much in my own life, which makes me, who pays special attention to personal space, feel extremely relaxed and comfortable.

But Ren is not perfect, she will be very emotional at some point, for example, we go to a movie, this movie is quite tender and ends in a comedy, in a certain segment in the middle, she will cry, tear. Full face. There are a lot of things like this, I can't understand where her tears are, and even though I'm a person who can't empathize a lot, those clips really don't have the power to make people so sad, so I'm very confused. Granted, the act of crying in a certain segment of the movie doesn't make it a "disadvantage" or how unbearable it is, I'm just curious as to why, I have a morbid thirst for cause and effect, so I always It was asking her what to cry about in these places. She just wiped away her tears, calmed down and told me that she was easily touched at that time.

Later, I slowly forgot, because crying is not an important factor affecting our relationship. One day, I was wandering on a website discussing movies, and I saw a person's review of a movie. A few details were very similar to hers. I clicked on the homepage and looked at it. Keep a diary of your thoughts. It can be seen that no acquaintances know about the account, and it is completely a space for self-record. Yes, I didn't know her account number before, and I never asked. I know a person's preferences are very personal things. If she doesn't tell me, I won't ask. After a dozen or so seconds of learning that this was her account, I wanted to close the page very much, because I knew it was a Pandora's box, and I was particularly afraid that knowing a lot of things I didn't know would affect our harmonious relationship. But curiosity prevailed over reason. That night, I read almost all the journals and statuses she wrote, which recorded a lot of unknown thoughts. For example, I recorded some details of our life after we interacted with me. Her personal evaluation of me was good and bad. I knew that many of my words were not so satisfactory. For example, she dropped out of college and eloped with her boyfriend at the time, and went to live in a city she had never been to. The two cheated on the tuition and living expenses given by the family to live a small life. After the money was spent, she worked in Starbucks. The boyfriend soon got bored and broke down, cheating her parents out of money without telling her, and it came to light. Later, when she returned to school, she made up for it with excellent grades and graduated successfully. all kinds of things. This once caused a lot of damage to her psychology, and it took her a long time to heal.

Although her past has nothing to do with me, even aside from her identity as a boyfriend at the time, I would still agree with her bravery, but unfortunately life did not give her sweetness, only some lessons and punishments from time and years were given away. . At that time, I was in a very downhearted mood, but I didn't tell her that I knew about her account, and we got along like before. But this is just a thorn in life. It is usually covered up by harmony and laughter, so that you don't feel pain. When there is no one in the middle of the night, it will come out to make trouble, and it will automatically generate sounds and pictures that are reminiscent of people, and drill into the brain and heart. I even have a guilt, wishing to go back in time to that night, not to be bored to watch any movie forums. And the consequences of peeping at her diary is a kind of comparison between me and her past life. I began to use a new scale to consider the relationship between us. I began to slowly admit that I am not a tolerant person. Emotionally, no one is. From the moment I opened her account, I threw a stone into my shoe, and then lied to myself that it would not affect my walking until the bubbles appeared.

I knew that she didn't tell her about her past until we broke up. It was because of something else, but then I thought, if I didn't know about her past, would "something else" be a factor for us? ? Not necessarily. In Wang Shuo's novels, there is a story: two greedy people dug the treasures underground, and they dug up a person's skeleton. You know what's buried in the ground. They saw trees and flowers, but all they thought about was the skeleton in the ground. I think that the soul has never been able to seriously scrutinize. The most difficult thing for people is to face the mirror in the heart, which is full of false and unbearable words. Unfortunately, we will use self-adjustment and comfort to impress ourselves, and we will begin to change. Be sincere and sincere. Everyone has a hole in their heart, and trying to peep will burn their eyes.

A few months after I broke up with her, one night I really wanted to know her current situation, so I opened the website to find her account, and wanted to know what she would think of me after the breakup, which actually included a lot. Self-compassion and psychological comfort, want to get a perfect answer. Her latest journal only wrote about irrelevant things, and didn't mention me a word.

The name of that journal is "I know you are reading, so I write to you".