after an illness

Sitting by the window, my drunken eyes opened. Countless fallen flowers fell on the moss. During my lifetime, I never finished the wine in the bottle. After my death, who poured the cup on the tomb? The spring scenery gradually moved away and the yellow birds moved away. The years passed by and the old age came for a hundred times, but I got drunk in the end. The world is so cloudy. sorrow

That day, I was semi-forced by my friend to drink some wine, and because I was feeling relaxed after just finishing the exam, I vowed not to stay up late again. It was already late at night when I finished writing the article about Vietnamese classical literature. Reading Ruan You's "Wine Concern", I suddenly felt a touch of sadness in my heart, but as the night got deeper and deeper, my consciousness began to gradually become blurred. After an unknown amount of time, the warm-colored floor lamp in front of me began to become brighter and brighter, becoming more and more dazzling, just like the light when I hid alone in the school bathroom and felt dejected that night five years ago.

During those days, the only way I felt safe was in the bathroom late at night. Anyone who has known me before knows that I suffered from campus violence in high school (and I was living on campus). The surrounding environment was like a pressure cooker that suffocated me. Only a place with no one can make me feel a little free. and relax. I washed up slowly, took off my shirt, looked at my strong muscles in the mirror, and smiled secretly. Yes, it’s useless. If I hit someone again, I will be expelled. Then no one can do anything, and my parents can’t help me. I’m not at the mercy of others.

Just when I was staring in the mirror in a daze, a tall and handsome boy walked in (I'll call him Chen here). I didn't even look at him, cursing in my mind, "This arrogant man is here, I don't even have the freedom to be in a daze anymore." However, the strange thing is that Chen just kept staring at me, which made me feel very nervous, and I was even ready to be provoked. Unexpectedly, after a long time, he suddenly said: "I understand how you feel." I replied coldly, "Oh." "Do you feel lonely?" "Can you not be lonely?" Chen didn't feel dissatisfied with my cold attitude. He smiled and said, "I didn't want to cause trouble for you. I know you are not like this. They hate me too."

I felt a little relieved now. In fact, I'm not surprised that everyone hates him. Even I, a monster in everyone's eyes, don't have a good impression of him. This person's academic performance is very poor, but his family is very rich, he is tall and handsome (somewhat like Stephen Chow, but more handsome), and he is the leader of the school basketball team. However, it may be because of these shining points other than academic performance that he is very arrogant. He seems to disdain to associate with other people (especially boys) and only thinks about how to get the screams and cheers of beautiful girls. How many people would like him like this? I just don’t know if he’s here to hug me for warmth this time, or if he’s here to find satisfaction by disparaging me?

"So what do you have to say?" I asked. "You may not even remember it. It rained during my freshman year of high school. I was in a hurry to go back to the dormitory but I didn't bring an umbrella. You lent it to me. Then you added, you don't need to return it to me yet. Seeing that you were in a hurry, I didn't bring an umbrella." If I run a few more times, I'll get wet again. But you didn't even know me at the time, so I'll remember you from now on."

I immediately had a good impression of Chen Dun. You must know that I did a lot of work for the class in order to solve my own predicament. Once when I was helping, I even accidentally fell to the ground and had a nosebleed, but there was no one around to help me. In any case, he knew how to be grateful, which was far more than half of the people in the class. I said, "Yeah, I don't even remember, and thank you for remembering. But why do you suddenly come to me now?" He replied: "It's not because I'm afraid that you will misunderstand me. At least in the past, you must not have a good impression of me. I hesitated for a long time before talking to you just now. There are many officials in our grade, and it's a mess. It's difficult to do anything in this environment. A real person is the original sin. If you are willing, I will be your friend from now on, and you will be my only friend in the entire grade."

Yes, in this case he will be my only friend in the entire grade. Actually, strictly speaking, I am not completely friendless. I have a "confidante", but she has a boyfriend (and I hate that person very much. How these two got along is still a mystery to me) , I decided not to disturb her unless absolutely necessary.

After that night, we were inseparable. In the following days, we peacefully walked through the unhappy three years of high school, and also walked through countless mountains and rivers outside the school.

I can’t remember clearly the dream I had while drinking, I only remember a few fragments. There was one bathroom that night, and another in Ayutthaya, Thailand.

During the summer vacation of my sophomore year in high school, I was practicing for a boxing competition in Thailand, and he took some time to visit me (his family had plenty of money anyway). After the game, we went to Ayutthaya, an ancient city north of Bangkok. This once largest city in the world has long been reduced to ruins under the torch of the Burmese invaders. Only the ruins scattered among the grass tell the story of its former prosperity. Under the rainy sky, roads paved with blue bricks, gray ancient temples and ubiquitous flowers, plants and trees form a beautiful but slightly sad picture. Just like that, I held an umbrella and walked with him on the green brick road without saying a word. When I got tired, I found a stone step to sit down. Perhaps it is the hundreds of years of glory of Ayutthaya that made us forget time. As we walked, the day passed quietly.

The third dream fragment was more than three years later. Shortly after graduating from high school, we started to have conflicts. I felt that he couldn't understand me and he felt that I was too sensitive. We slowly lost contact. In the next two years, I also experienced countless people coming and going. Many times I would think: "Am I too sensitive? Everyone feels tired when dealing with me, so they choose to leave me."

In the summer vacation of 2022, I came to Thailand again and came to Ayutthaya, which I had not seen for a long time. At night, looking out the window at the dark streets, I thought of Chen again. In fact, I have long forgotten all the unpleasantness that happened. The most unforgettable thing is the extremely difficult but never-ending time we went through in high school. I wonder how he is doing? With the encouragement of my friend, I sent him a message. Within a few seconds, he called, and I was so excited that I almost cried.

After a few words of greeting, there was silence. I have changed, and so has he. The people on both sides of the phone are no longer the familiar people we were before. It was as if we were separated by a thick wall, without the tacit understanding of the spiritual connection we had over the years. After chatting for a few words and hanging up the phone, I almost stayed up all night. With mixed feelings, I wrote this poem:

The gentle rain in August passed through Siam. I visited the old city with my old friends. The old friends are gone forever. The secluded paths are ruined and the spring and autumn breezes come to Wudi Tower several times. The bright moon has never made me shed tears for the poor three treasure candles in Zhengwang Tower. I have experienced the impermanence of generations. worry

. . . . . .

I don’t know how long it took before I woke up from the pain. The most painful thing was my eyes, which felt like they were about to bulge out of their sockets (along with a headache), and I also felt nauseous. I have never suffered from such a disease. Could it be a brain tumor or something? Maybe I will die soon? The moment I sat up from the bed, I suddenly felt a surge in my stomach, and then I rushed into the bathroom and vomited violently. I even vomited out stomach acid and gave my throat a burning sensation. After finally vomiting, I took a test and it was 37 degrees 2, a low fever. As a last resort, I dragged my lifeless body to the school emergency room.

A few hours later, the doctor made a judgment: "You have a very serious migraine. Migraines are very common among students. They are usually caused by mood swings or stress, and you don't know what's wrong. Either you are stressed or have mood swings." It's very powerful. Only in this way can such severe eye pain and vomiting occur. Can you tell me what's wrong with you?" I laughed: "Stress and mood swings? It's both."

After I got home, I took a hot shower and felt much better. Lying quietly in bed, I began to think about the dream I had last night and the things I had experienced. In fact, no matter whether we got separated in the end or not, I have spent a lot of time with several people. Didn't they realize my sensitivity before conflicts occurred? No, they were aware of it, and they praised me for being sensitive and thoughtful. But why did my sensitivity become a burden later on? That's because I have begun to become estranged from them (they didn't realize it themselves). I am sensitive and realize that something is wrong before they do and want to make amends. But for people who have begun to have rifts, the more I make amends, the worse it will be. After all, people are always changing, and we can't force the other person's personality to always be compatible with ours. When they say they are tired of my sensitivity, it is actually because we are not suitable in the first place.

Illness brings pain, but it also brings leisure (rest is necessary after all). Pain and leisure happen to be two major factors that stimulate people's reflection. I am now healed, but it is not only my body that has risen from the hospital bed, but also my personality. Being sensitive is not wrong, I am who I am. For others, I will stay if I agree with you, and leave if I don't agree with you. No one is right or wrong.

But as I write this now, I still feel like crying. It has been five years, and I thought I had already sealed this friendship in my memory, but sometimes when I open it inadvertently, I still can't help but feel sad. However, I knew I had to turn the page. I rewrote the classical poem I wrote above into a modern poem style (it was also the first modern poem I wrote), just as a decent farewell to that period of time:

The drizzle of August falls silently,
Fall into the ruins, into the dust.
Ayutthaya, this ancient name,
There are so many past events buried among the weeds.

I walked quietly to the end of the blue brick road,
Next to me is my best friend.
Side by side, sitting on the stone steps,
Surrounded by pink willows and green willows, birds are singing and flowers are fragrant.

Time is gone and never comes back,
Countless people were lost in the wind.
The ruins of that year,
I have witnessed how many autumns have passed and spring has come.

Now we are far apart,
I may not recognize his appearance.
Those sadness and laughter,
They were also buried in the grass together.

The summer breeze is warm and gentle,
The fragrance of flowers blows from the Chao Phraya River.
I passed by King Wudong’s palace last time.
When is it again?

The bright moon is as bright as frost,
Reflecting the gentle waves in the Gulf of Siam.
The brave and fearless Zheng Xin,
Have you ever looked at it and felt sad?

The night the city fell,
The Buddha statue in Sanbaogong Temple sheds tears.
Because in this world, every generation has its ups and downs,
There is separation every year.

Now I see,
Outside the city, there is vast green plain on the Bayin plain.
Only the breeze is saying,
"Prosperity is fleeting and life is impermanent."

How can the friendship between people be so indestructible? Ayutthaya, which had been glorious for hundreds of years, was nothing more than that and eventually turned into ruins. Even if it is a lifelong friendship or love, there will eventually be a day of separation.

After a hundred times, I will end up drunk. It is really sad that things are cloudy in the world.