EP20. I feel miserable for you, but do you really have no choice?

foreword

Recently, a friend just happened to talk to me, and during the chat, he was quite depressed. He felt that his life was like this, and then his life was very stressful, and he was not very longing for the days to come. , and then there is no plan. I feel that every day is a day. I can see that he really doesn't seem to be living a very happy life. The idea of suicide, so don't worry, so I sounded very sad, and I don't know how to help him, it happened that he asked me a question, "What beliefs are driving me to believe in me?" Do things make sense?", I think this thing can be used as an example to share with everyone.

individual case

Escape the atmosphere at home

In fact, the family atmosphere when I was a child was not very good, that is, there would be disputes in the family because of various problems, but there was always a slap in the dispute, so I didn't talk about which thing, or who was against whom. This is wrong. In short, the frequency of quarrels is very high, so I don't like to stay at home. I will stay out as long as I can, even if it is a cram school, I am willing, but I don't want to go home, so at that time I What kind of friendship do I think are more important than family relationship, or it's not that those things are important or not, but family love disgusts me, I will spend a day outside happily, just play with friends there , and then laughed until I could roll on the floor, but when I got home, my mood immediately became super bad, and then I couldn't laugh. Even when I came home, it was the same face. I actually don't like it, but The atmosphere is like that. This period is probably between the sixth grade of elementary school and the third grade of middle school, so I decided to go to other areas to study in high school, because I can leave home and live on campus, although there is nothing around the school. , or to be very strict, I can do it too, just let me leave the house, I think every family has a scripture that is difficult to read, that is, my mood at that time should be able to correspond to many people, at that moment In fact, there were a lot of negative emotions. It was good that at that time, a group of friends took me there all day to play imbecile, and then I didn't have time to study some things that were just bad.

The cultivation of resentment

I have some friends who often invite me to play at their house when they see me like this. Sometimes they may just give some correct values or feel some warmth. At that time, I just hated staying at home so much, so basically If I can go out, I will go out. No matter what I want to do, then one of my friends has a very warm family atmosphere, which is far from my home, and they like to read books very much, just not the kind of dead books, so they often Will recommend me some books, I hope I can fill in the knowledge or ideas that my family can't give me from these positive resources, and I often chat with them about the current situation or the exchange of ideas until late, every time I I am very excited to share with them what good or bad things I have done during this time, and occasionally talk about things at home and I will be very repelled. There is only so much difference in dealing with me, I will feel unfair or something, and I will be envious, so the words that deny myself will always be on my lips, I feel like this is the kind of feeling that I go, I feel that this is not as good as human beings , that is not as good as a person. Of course, at the beginning, my friend would use persuasion to hope that I would not think like this, and then my life is still very hopeful.

make your own raft

But if anyone who has listened to me will know that I really need to be persuaded, I am so troublesome, so if it is just empty persuasion, it is basically difficult for me to be shaken, and I will feel that Those things are just survivorship biases, so he told me an example of his family. In my opinion, his family is a very successful successful person. In conclusion, a career has a career, and a family has a family. He is a very smart person. people, I used to think that I probably would not be able to experience that kind of life in my life. I thought it was a concept of a victory group in life, but my friend told me that his childhood would not be better than mine, even It's worse, I'm not talking about the background or what, but the same thing is the family environment, maybe his father sometimes drinks and beats children, and then the situation is very bad anyway, I have forgotten the actual situation, but I believe Worse than most people, then of course I was curious about what made him become so successful now, my friend said that at that time, because he knew that his family could not give him any resources, or what to say The correct concept, at that time, he only determined that the content in the book seemed to be at least correct, so he adhered to the concept of "since I can't be educated, then I will educate myself" to study, so he developed a liking later. The habit of reading books, and then indirectly affects his other partner, or his entire family, so their family now feels like a scholarly family. The current knowledge concept and those things all come from books. He reads all books except comics. The first feeling I heard right now was, "Looking north, how many books do I need to read like this? I don't like reading", but After thinking about it again, I felt that he didn't say that he likes to read. The meaning of the paragraph just now was not "Only reading is the only correct way", but "No one else can give it to you, why can't you?" Rely on your own efforts to get it?" It's just that his way is to read, you can also use your own way to educate yourself, this is the first time I feel the importance of independent thinking and an example of someone who is determined to win.

Blaming a starting point won't help

This example actually gave me a great impact. Even now, when I encounter many difficult things or situations, I still remember this conversation. After digesting it at that time, I subconsciously wanted to talk to my friends about continuing to discuss justice. The matter of fairness seems to have been mentioned before. I will add that my logic is to understand his state of mind at that time and the process of changing it with him, but my friend felt that he asked directly, and I said, "What do you think?" Is it fair?", then I fell into deep thought, and found that nothing seems to be really fair, no matter what it feels to be fair, if there are variables, it can't be fair, just like the previous example, You rely on the environment, or something that is force majeure such as luck, what is the meaning? What do you hope to achieve? It is the expectation from other people to say, "Well, your state, your environment, It's understandable for you to become such a waste." Is it like this to identify with your own pessimistic thoughts? I have observed that most people who complain about others seem to be like this, that is, "Oh, I'm a waste, you Do you agree that I am useless? Well, you agree that I am useless", and then tell yourself "Look, I will say I am useless", use this method to avoid the opportunity to improve yourself, and then inculcate yourself to say " I'm not like this, I'm just expressing my emotions, speaking out to make my mind more relaxed." I don't know which idiot came up with this self-deception method. I met a lot of people like this. And then I fell into a slump, and that's why I had the question at the beginning, "What beliefs are driving me forward?" But the fundamental question of this question should be "How can I not deny myself?" Right.

practice experience

So with the example of my friend above, I have always been working hard on him as the object of learning. When encountering problems at each stage, I simply ignore the kind of grievances that rely on the northeast and the northwest, because I know that it is in the It's a waste of time, and as long as you believe in this concept, you will only have "would" or "can" when you encounter things. This is also the motto that I often encourage myself, and I will gradually stop going later. Relying on others to feed me resources and support, but to think about "what kind of person I want to become", and then "what kind of things I want to do", and then directly plan and improve, this takes time to cultivate and prove, because I Is it also through this method that I am accomplishing my goals stage by stage, so when I am convinced of this independent thinking concept, whenever someone asks me for a chat, or seeks advice, but they keep denying myself , I will tell him this example for reference. If I just want to vent, I am fine, just listen to it, but if I want to deny the things before yesterday with him, then I really have no way, because If you want to be miserable, there are too many people who are worse than you, right? There are also many people who started from a worse point than you, and the point is that you can't change your miserable past, but you can choose whether you want to live a miserable past or not. A miserable future, so friends who heard this audio, it has nothing to do with age, occupation, etc. If you are in this state, I hope you can reflect on this, this is not chicken soup, or something about survivorship deviation , not the kind of eloquent content that tells you how to do things to be successful, but two real samples of "successfully choosing what you want because of changing your mentality", I suddenly felt that this episode seemed to be a bit heavy, However, I still hope that this thing can be simplified in the future, and then the narrative will be stronger and more powerful, and then people who go through this stage of the process can have some clearer directions, or if you have any opinions that you can provide me, I will then Put it together and share it with everyone.

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