【Reading】John C. Friel, Linda D. Friel "Intimacy Incompetence" after reading

In my limited reading, for the first time, I have read a psychological book that is so relevant to my life experience. I can't help but feel that it describes the emotional chain that is both twisted and common in Chinese families and has become everyday and passed down from generation to generation .

It just so happened that my mother and I were going through an indescribable conflict and conflict recently. This book, at the right moment, gives clearer language to my experience, like a flashlight in a chaotic darkness.

It made me constantly reflect as I read, what role did I unconsciously play in the family? Why did my parents run their marriage this way? Why is it that mothers who are well-off and do not need to worry about their children are still full of complaints about their own lives? All these twists and turns are illuminated by this book and have been answered.

At the same time, through the exploration of this book, I was finally able to break free from the dual whirlpool of anger and guilt toward my mother, sympathizing with her and forgiving myself; even if I still could not satisfy her. But at least I understand that we are all responsible for our own lives after all, so that we can have true happiness.

So if you're struggling or struggling with family relationships, this book is definitely worth reading.

Although the title of the book translates as "Intimacy and Impotence," the English title is: "Little Adults: Secrets of Dysfunctioning Families."

Its content is to explore how dysfunctional families prevent children from forming a more sound self-awareness, so that it is difficult for him to draw an interpersonal boundary that can protect himself and communicate smoothly with others. Therefore, it will replicate the tragedy of the previous generation's mate selection, fall into physical or spiritual addiction, and become a little adult who looks successful and has a happy family on the surface, but is always empty, confused and self-denial.

In terms of content, I think the most resonant and shocking part of the entire book is the second chapter's analysis of the origin of the little adult, that is, the analysis of "family".

The author believes that the interaction of family members is like a network that affects the whole body. Family members seem to be independent, but in fact, the roles of family members will affect each other. If there is a problem with self-role positioning, it will cause the family function to be unable to play well.

Here, the author cites Alice Miller's definition of "toxic education" in For Your Own Good , listing several roles and characteristics of dysfunctional families. One of them is called " Mama or Papa's little prince or princess ".

I can't help but think of an unintentional but common saying (my mother also often said): "A daughter is at least more caring than a son." But I found out later that there might be another kind of dangerous emotional blackmail hidden in this sentence: " Does a daughter have to be a mother's emotional trash can to prove that she is more worthy of being born than a man? "

Many of the female friends I've known have suffered most in their lives than their emotional entanglements with their mothers (usually complaining about everything because their marriage wasn't ideal), even to the point of having a fear of marriage . However, under the East Asian culture that emphasizes filial piety, even if the mother's negative emotions make them distressed, it is very difficult to cut them off.

The author of the book sternly calls this practice of "because the relationship with the spouse is not in harmony, the relationship with the child becomes too close, and even replaces the spouse" as " emotional incest ". That is, the emotional support that should have been sought in another adult is instead supported by the child. Although the child will feel powerful because of this, it will also deprive him of the opportunity to express his vulnerability and fear, making the child less like a child and thinking that if they want to gain the love of their parents, they must first sacrifice themselves.

" Drawing children into marital problems and trying to use them for emotional needs is emotional abuse. "

I actually never thought that my own emotional problems could be from unintentional emotional abuse by my mother. Rather, I didn't even think I might be abused! (surprised)

But on the other hand, I can also see why mothers in Chinese culture tend to look to their daughters for emotional support. Because the traditional family motto is just one of the symptoms of dysfunction: " Family ugliness is not public." It prevents us from reaching out for help and sharing our troubles. (This may be why there are psychological problems, Chinese people usually do not seek medical treatment, but prefer to seek religious solace) However, the author also reminds us that only sharing with people in the family system will only increase the sense of shame (thinking that it is only me) ), reinforce the boundaries of refusing help from others, and make things worse.

Second, our culture also has deep prejudices against women in terms of sex, family, and marriage, especially those definitions that distinguish "good women" from "bad women." These binary distinctions further deepen the psychological barriers for women to divorce and remarry. At least like my mother is a fairly traditional southern woman. She will feel that divorce and remarriage is not a good thing. She will worry that not only will her economic and social evaluation be hit after her divorce, but she will also worry that she will not meet a better man if she remarrys. But these cultural stereotypes put her in another fixed family role: " assistant ", that is, she will do whatever it takes to maintain the integrity of the family. This notion trapped her, made her in a dilemma, and felt unhappy all day long.

Therefore, reading this book, I also suddenly realized that those common (but harmful) ways of interacting are actually the historical karma of an entire family (and even a culture). Everyone is born into this world so vulnerable, we always need help from others to survive. Therefore, we can only try to adapt to the environment around us, so whether it is us, or our parents, or our grandparents, we have to be influenced by these inherited words and deeds. It's not anyone's fault that you treat your partner and children like this wrong, and everyone just inherited it unconsciously.

As the Indian yogi Sadhguru was asked, "How do you get rid of the influence of your family of origin?" he said a wonderful thing: "What the world gives you, you cannot change. If your parents know A better way of life, they've been there long ago. But we're intelligent creatures, and your job is to achieve and create the good life you know. "

Now through this book, now that we understand, that is the beginning of an effort to break that chain of grief. May every reader read your grief and healing in this book, as well as a shred of hope that the gears are turning.

* Simultaneously published in: Deprived Childhood, and Raised "Little Adults" - "Intimacy and Incompetence" | | SquareGood