Rare experience in life｜Taking nude photos

The life before the age of eighteen is not so special; but a decision at the age of eighteen set off a chain reaction behind. Looking back, "I was too afraid of death at the time" - I started the private video experience without thinking.

 The term "private shadow" may be regarded as a term unique to Hong Kong.
The original meaning is a photographic activity agreed upon privately between the photographer and the subject, that is, most of the photographing activities are private photos. However, with the occurrence of many sexual crimes related to private filming and the media reports, the term private filming has become stigmatized. Private filming in a narrow sense refers to male photographers taking pictures of female models, and the shooting of sexy subjects especially controversial.

The beginning of the private video comes from a FACEBOOK private message.

In May 2015, I suddenly received a male R claiming to be a photographer on FACEBOOK, and asked me if I want to take underwear photos, he will pay me HKD$300/HR. I asked him why he came to me, and he said, "I saw you at random, and I thought you were pretty, so I asked." At that time, I was curious, whether the private image was really as scary as the outside world said, or it was me Original personality is to want to try everything, so I rashly agreed.

 Looking back now, there are indeed many places that have not been carefully considered. As for what advice I will give to those who want to try private photos, it will probably be another article haha

He said the shoot would be in a studio and he would make an appointment. But before the shooting that day, he said that it was too late to make an appointment, so could he go to the Clock Hotel instead? I agreed without thinking too much. The shooting experience of the day, apart from the temporary change to the Clock Hotel, was quite a good experience.

During the filming, R would praise me for not being afraid of the camera at all, and for posing freely. He also kept his distance and did not touch me, but R would tell me that the private film industry is very bad, and there are many sex workers outside, and being touched is also a problem. The norm, and so does the culture in society. The lighting in the final photo was a bit bad, and I was also a bit ugly, so I won’t attach any pictures hahahahahaha

 At the beginning of my contact with the private film industry, I received the brainwashing education of "since you shoot, you must be mentally prepared to be touched". This subtle ideology did affect how I responded to the sexual violence in the private film at that time. So when I share recently, I will say: I hope that no one will claim that "it is normal for private images to be touched", which is actually one of the manifestations of blame the victim.

R asked me to shoot three more times, and I even pushed my friends to shoot together. After all, don’t you make money if you have money? (Big mistake XDD)
The next three times were all in the studio. During the communication, R would tell me that his wife is pregnant and has twins. He said that he actually doesn’t like his wife’s e-milk figure. He said he prefers someone like me b/c The milky areola also said that she would like to touch it if she had the chance.

 Looking back, I realized that in fact, to some extent, R was inducing me to sympathize with him, and even vaguely hoped that I would offer to let him touch——to relieve his "involuntary control".

Once he offered to shoot naked, and I agreed. He asked me to pose with "M-shaped legs" and take close-up photos of the genitals during the shoot. I remember asking "what's so good about this?" but I forgot How does he respond.

 Being asked to pose with M-shaped legs and close-ups of the genitals in a nude shoot would not be the poses I took the initiative to do. Obviously this is a male gaze. Later, when I was photographed by men, I would automatically and consciously pose these poses, because photographers who are used to packaging desires in the name of photography have these "implicit/unspoken" expectations. However, this reaction also shows that At the time, I unconsciously pandered/echoed the male gaze.

Later I asked R - should I try to find other private photographers to shoot, and he used different excuses to talk me out of it, it felt like he wanted me not to be found - so he could take me It is his own, even if it is just a model for shooting, it is also his property.

Out of curiosity, I embarked on the road of becoming a private film model.

 I opened a post on the forum to recruit photographers, and I should have been photographed by at least forty male photographers between the ages of eighteen and twenty. There is no specific number, because I did not record it (it’s a pity that I am not a data expert!!!!), I can only take pictures from my habits-every winter and summer vacation from Taiwan, I will take pictures when I return to Hong Kong, and I will shoot at least 6- A 10-day rule is used to calculate the number of shooters.

Most of the shooting scenes are advanced layer by layer like this:

Starting from shooting underwear, the photographer will praise you for being good at posing, good-looking, and very seductive, and will ask you if you have a boyfriend, why you started taking private photos, and will tell you that he has taken other private photos of girls, many private photos Girls in movies will be touched, and then they will politely ask you if you can adjust your posture for you, can you adjust or lower your underwear, no matter whether you have said in advance that you want to shoot naked, they will always use different methods to persuade you to take off more Or pull it down a bit and ask if I can take a picture of you pretending to masturbate.

Then tell you how charming you are, how difficult it is for him to control himself, and then ask if he can touch you, if he can masturbate in front of you, if you refuse, or not so clearly refuse, they will ask just to touch; Or ask you to straddle him and he promises to do nothing but "you're too attractive for him" and wants you to let him touch you.

In the process of private filming, there are indeed photographers who do not advance step by step at all, but in my personal experience, photographers who advance step by step still account for the majority. Usually I deal with it with the mentality of "it doesn't matter" - oh, it shouldn't matter if I touch it - but next time I receive an appointment from those photographers, I will reject and refuse to shoot. Is such "indifferent" really indifferent? Or is it limited by the current environment and social atmosphere, can I only comfort myself with indifference? (Here I have to move the article back to be able to link)

 Here I try to describe the feelings I may have at the moment: except for the confusion of "the other party's request seems strange" and "am I really responsible for arousing the other party's desire?" Awareness of sexual violence. At the same time, I personally have the pleasure of being watched, because I have a sexual fetish for exposing myself; however, even if I like exposing myself, it does not mean that I want to be touched or violated.

Photographers should be able to tell that they are on the shooting scene, and they should be aware that they have different professional identities and powers. Even if they have the idea of obscenity, it does not mean that they can be put into action. Take bank staff as an example. They are faced with money every day. Do bank staff steal money if they want it?

If your answer is no, then it should be the same in the private film scene. No matter how attractive the subject is, the photographer has no reason to commit a crime.

When I was 20 years old, a photographer told me that he had seen my leaked photos.

That was the first time I knew that my private photos when I was 18 were leaked. As early as when I took the shoot, I expected that there might be leaks. The first thought was "I am so ugly, how dare I sell the whole set of photos?!" Later, I worried about whether my family would see it.

But it was also after learning that my photos were leaked that I began to think seriously-I want to take pictures of people, and I want to give those who want to take pictures one more choice. Because there were only men in the private photo circle I saw at the time, I couldn’t help but wonder why there were only male photographers, and why private photos must face sexual violence such as being touched, violated, and leaked, so I wanted to try it out, if I Can becoming a photographer give other options to those who want to take pictures?

 And I also feel that I lack an "interest". Before becoming a private photo model, I also thought about whether to use photography as a hobby, but the camera is still too expensive for me at the age of 18; when I decided to start shooting people, I So I bought my first camera with the money I got from private photography.

When I decided that I would start taking pictures of people, I chose to announce that I had private photos in the past.

In addition to explaining on my personal IG that I had private photos and set up the first photo IG, I also confessed to my family that I had private photos in the past and faced photos being leaked. I choose to be honest with my family because I don't want them to be "the last to know."

If the hurt is for someone else to tell them - your daughter's nude pics are flying all over the internet - the world knows and they are the last to know, I guess that hurts the most for anyone who cares about me thing.

Honesty is my method of self-healing.

During my journey of photographing people, I have come into contact with more and more perspectives on gender/gender issues, feminism, power differences, etc., which made me continue to think about the impact of my past experience of private photography on me. I will try to sort out these ideas and put them on IG. From time to time, I will use long articles with background pictures on IG to tell my experience and views on private images in limited-time dynamics.

Every time I encounter images being leaked or threatened, I will be very angry, but after sorting out my thoughts and publishing them in an article, I can feel relieved. Because of these self-organizations, I have received a lot of valuable feedback-meeting many wonderful people, being invited to share my experiences and opinions, and finding some directions on the road of life-whether in real life or on the Internet, I have met many Important and beautiful people and things.

I don't intend to thank the "private shadow" incident. I believe that growth is not due to any incidents, but because we are willing to think and organize. Thank myself for continuing to think about this rare experience in my life.

Thank you for coming here, your reading has also become a very important feedback.