choice of friends

In some stages of my life I had many friends, and in most of my life I had no friends at all.

The definition of friends is changing at any time, and the objects of friends are also changing at any time.

A year ago, I reunited with a friend I met two years ago.

At some point in my life, I reunited with a friend from three years ago and ten years ago.

I always find that their thoughts are almost the same as when we last parted, regarding family, intimacy, and career.

My friends in middle school stayed in the cultural context I experienced in middle school, and the same goes for my friends in college. But every time I appear, I have completely changed. These changes are not superficial, but my world view and living situation.

I seem to be saying goodbye to my past self forever, and I am also saying goodbye to my past friends, from elementary school, middle school, university, to graduate school, and then to work. Those particular cities gradually became the cities where my friends settled. And I can no longer overlap with myself at any time in the past, because there have been too many differences of opinion between the me of today and the me of the past.

Secondary school

The period when I had the least friends was probably in high school, living in a small county town. Although it was a class composed mostly of women, the female atmosphere at that time was subject to patriarchal disciplines, and teenagers were suppressed in a kind of The situation where women want to pursue the military service but are restricted from fully pursuing the military service often leads to women doubling down on the military service after entering college.

The relationships between women that I observed and experienced at that time were more about competing with each other, speculating on each other, and being jealous of each other, rather than being friendly and sincere.

Especially when class conflict is added to the mix. Wealth, appearance, academic performance, these all constitute a self-evident and strict hierarchy. I don’t know if the same is true in county high schools now, but I know that this is caused by the economic and cultural environment, rather than being manipulated by a specific person. As long as the general environment remains unchanged, such an atmosphere will inevitably continue to exist, and the atmosphere will give rise to specific, named personal behaviors.

I saw the problems in this environment at that time, and I realized that my situation was very bad. I hated this place. I rarely talked to them. According to the words of today's MBTI enthusiasts, I was an I person at that time. . But I wasn't, and I later had many friends in any other environment. At this time, everyone said that I was an e person. But I haven’t changed at all, it’s just that the environment has changed. Whether a person obtains energy from the outside world does not depend on his own nature, but on his ability to express himself and the feedback he receives from the outside world.

But there was nothing I could do to get out of there. That was the most powerless stage in my life, and perhaps the stage that frightened me the most. I was afraid that my entire life would be trapped in this period. This is what I thought at the time, and maybe I think so now, so that Now, many years after graduating from high school, I dream about going back to middle school every day.

But now at least we can do something according to our own will. If the conflict between you and your mother and father cannot be resolved, you can choose to move out and not live with them. You can choose to go far away. You can choose to remain silent. Not replying to messages, or protesting loudly instead of being patient, you can still hear ridicule or insults even if you close the door and cover your ears.

My life in middle school shaped my fear of centralization of power, both at home and at school. In school, it is like a word from the head teacher. If they are a little unhappy, they can make dozens of teenagers sit quietly in a simple classroom, like a group of criminals who are staring at the wall and thinking about their mistakes. The time of 16 years old is wasted like this. of.

That day, I picked up my schoolbag and left the school without saying a word after being scolded. Before that, a male classmate who was regarded as a restless man cried and begged the teacher for forgiveness.

The look of those teenagers at that time and the freewheeling and uninhibited teenagers I see in Australia today are like two different species.

Is that the life that should belong to us?

I can describe what happened in middle school in many novels or chapters. Middle school is to me what the Cultural Revolution was to Wang Xiaobo. It will always be the material to compare with everything that happens in my life later.

To be exact, I hated everyone around me at that time. I always endured nausea and had to talk to someone. I knew that if I had the chance to leave here one day, I would not say another word to anyone.

It felt like I never explained my thoughts to my dad. I ignored my father because I realized early on that communicating with him was futile and that he was incapable of understanding me. And in my mistaken, long-term mother-saving complex, I always tried to convince my mother to understand everything that was happening to me.

In all the painful memories of middle school, the family of origin and the school are always intertwined. They interfere too much with each other. Our bodies and minds are pulled between them, and we lose our autonomy. We are no longer independent people.

I shed too many unnecessary tears when I was a child. I don’t know how many children in China are shedding similar tears now. In the midst of our common pain, we didn’t realize that we shouldn’t reflect on how guilty we were during those times. , they should be happy.

Every time they disagree with their parents, they use the all-important weapon of "seniority" to suppress them: Even if what they say is wrong, we are elders, and we should listen to what our elders say, and we must have a good attitude and accept it humbly.

Although I was opposed to this in the past, I couldn't realize at that time that only Lao Zhong's mother and father were so stupid and filial in the world. This was a unique kind of bad thing. When I was a teenager, I couldn't come up with specific reasons to refute it, of course, but in fact, even if I came up with the system theory, it would be useless, and they would not be able to understand academics. Just like now, even if I come up with it, their views will not be able to understand it. Nothing will change. But there was nothing I could do at that time to fight against their pride and stubbornness, or to leave the environment.

For me, my feelings have not changed since the beginning, and I have been very clear-headed since those many years ago.

Even if I go back in time, everything will remain the same. If I go back to the past, I will still experience all the pain at that time.

Maybe this is where my nightmares and fears come from.

Location choice

Some people choose their location because of where their friends, family, and food are.

For me, these are not important considerations, my location is around my goals, such as I want to continue studying somewhere, or do something that I think is meaningful, and this thing must To do it in this place.

I don’t like a city because of one person, but in today’s real life, I tend to choose a city with a cultural atmosphere that I like. For example, for me now, this city is Melbourne.

Cultural atmosphere, such as roads, museums, libraries and other infrastructure, as well as humanities and history, local culture (parades, festivals, etiquette, etc.). I think the influence of culture will permeate all aspects of daily life, such as interactions with strangers, and whether there are many opportunities to meet the kind of people you like in this city.

For a specific person, thoughts may flow, physical coordinates may change, and the friendship between us is built on the basis of thoughts.

The most important connection between me and her is a spiritual connection, and if we have that in real life, that's great, but if we can't connect in the real world, it doesn't hurt because it's not necessary.

Many free people say that they must interact offline with their lovers or friends to be happy, because the connection between them is not based on thoughts.

Fear of being alone is a manifestation of lack of self, and people who lack self are most afraid of loneliness, so they would rather create a cheerful appearance to comfort themselves. I don't think that's the real power that comes from friendship.

Between me and other passionate girls, I know that we are a group of allies who don’t know each other yet. We don’t need to stand together offline to have the most solid friendship. This kind of friendship is the most powerful to me.

Brain dependence among friends

— Rely on friends

Sometimes in a place, such as the first time I arrived in Melbourne, it is easy to fall into this comfort zone: I meet a friend who I think is good, and I always play with her. Before my own value orientation is undecided, Over time, the way we speak and our values ​​will become closer and closer. When we go to some large gatherings together, because we are in a group, there are few other people who can blend into the intimate atmosphere between the two of us, which will be difficult. Create equally intimate connections with others.

The problem with doing this is that you will lack a complete perspective to observe the people around you, and will infinitely magnify the words and deeds of a few friends, such as their views on gender relations and attitudes towards women's rights issues. Sometimes it's easy to be influenced by the opinions of someone you identify with, and those can be very limiting and narrow-minded.

In fact, there are many other types of people in the world who may resonate with you in other aspects. Their opinions may be completely different. If you understand them comprehensively, you will summarize the commonalities and differences from different people's opinions. , and make your position clear.

If you rely too much on one of your friends, you may interpret everything that happens in the world from your friend's perspective, and think that future friends must be like this friend.

Years later, I returned to Melbourne, and when I came back, all my friends from a few years ago were gone and I had to rediscover the city on my own.

I found that the city suddenly became very big, and I discovered a lot of scenery that I had not paid attention to in the past. The scope of my activities was no longer limited to the city. I began to carefully study the distribution of Melbourne's suburbs, and the map of Melbourne expanded in my mind. I found that our life as international students was too limited in the overall Melbourne life. Now, I want to continue to understand this city in a new capacity and discuss my views on this city with new friends.

— Rely on loved ones

Just like the way my mother looks at other family members, in her eyes, grandma, grandpa, grandma, they are more backward and conservative than her, outdated people who have difficulty understanding what I say. So every time we ate together and I talked a lot, my mom would always think that if she understood the difficult part, her parents must also find it difficult.

This resulted in her always being keen to translate what I said, even though we were all speaking Chinese, and I didn’t use any buzzwords.

However, according to my own observation, I found that even though people born in the 1940s and 1950s, such as grandma, grandpa, and grandma, are more backward in the use of technology, they are not inferior to my mother in understanding everything. Look at the views of middle-aged and young people from my own perspective and opinions, even if I don’t agree with them on these views.

What I want to say is that I can’t always look at the elderly from my mother’s perspective. For example, when something makes my mother angry, I think that the elderly must also be angry (I really thought this way when I was a child), but later I found out that was not the case. That's not the case. Everyone has their own opinions. I can't use my mother's eyes and brain to understand others. I have to stand on my own perspective and conduct on-the-spot observations. No one can blindly believe or rely on it.

Dependent people not only like to create a world between two people in love, making the world very small, and are infinitely dependent on their lover's economy, spirit, and values. There are also many people who have similar behaviors in relationships with friends and relatives. Ultimately, this type of behavior is In my eyes, people are not weaned, unable to confidently face and analyze the world they live in alone.

self explanatory

Once people's thoughts are alienated, they will easily fall into self-explanation and keep explaining the reasons for their actions to make others understand. The advantage of doing this is that it can reduce the number of attacks and gain more resonance. But it can be easily seen that attacks cannot be reduced to zero, and misunderstandings will always exist. We must accept the existence of these backward voices from the heart and put them in a correct position in our hearts.

I was attacked two days ago because after the last article was published, one of them acted as a life mentor in front of me and tried to advise me to ease the relationship with my mother and father, thinking that he and I also looked forward to a happy family ending. Bless me with this ending. Of course I had nothing nice to say about him.

That was an argument I was very familiar with. He said, "Of course I can't understand you. There aren't that many people in the world who can understand you." He tried to portray me as a hypocritical person who desperately needed understanding and approval from others.

I really hope that men can take the initiative to get out of my space, stay away from me, and not let me see such mentally retarded comments, but they are always disgusting and know how to be very objective and emotionally stable.

To be honest, when I see this kind of comment, it’s like seeing an aggrieved primary school student. I don’t think I need to convince him at all, because the logic is really different and there are too many lessons to make up for. But besides I don't feel the need to say anything other than scolding him and telling him to get out. I always have this attitude towards people who have too different ideas.

Maybe this is why I grew up always explaining my actions to my mother (trying to gain her understanding), but never to my father.

The potential audience for a text is always someone who can read it.

Someone who can understand, even without any explanation, can understand what I want to express and the background in which the story takes place. People who don't understand are like the person above. Even if you explain it to them in 100,000 words, they still don't understand.

Our mutual understanding is based on theoretical foundations and cultural resonance. These words must be understood, because they are not unique personal feelings, nor are they fanciful and male-dominated: "Little girls are uniquely sad. Little thoughts."

On the one hand, the theory of radical feminism has been broken into pieces and fed to the mouths of free people. However, because the historical legacy of women’s slavery is too serious, most basic women still cannot wake up. Everyone’s knowledge base is different.

But for radical feminism, life has its own proposition, and everyone cannot spend all their time helping others understand known theories. This is why most radical women advocate "not supporting education."

For me, I have already presented all the theories. If you have any questions, you must first read and understand them. Before that, my personal experience is beyond their understanding. How much of the theory she can understand is none of my business. I recount my personal experiences without considering their feelings, but only to the audience I want.

Opposing American military service, not having sex with men, and opposing idol worship have all been my lessons in the past. I will not repeatedly explain to people the reasons for doing this in my future life, especially since there are too many explanations on the Internet that are better than mine. .

My audience is a small group of people, and we are working together to explore unknown propositions, new experiences, and interactions based on the above principles.

my past and future friends

In the previous article " Gender Separation: Thoughts and Practices of Radical Feminism in China ", I mentioned the Shouijinghao faction, that is, no matter what problems the world has, they don't care, no matter the gap between rich and poor, climate warming, gender conflicts and political changes, as long as they themselves If you have money, you can travel around and enjoy life. It sounds like you are very noble and don't mess with the dust.

I have criticized before that the life of this kind of person is extremely fake, because she seems to be unaffected, but in fact any of her actions can reflect social problems, and she is oppressed without knowing it. For example, while serving in the American military service and being comatose, one thinks that one is living a very free and escapist life, but in fact he is still imprisoned by social customs, and in the end is still a donkey in the grindstone.

Suijingpai can only appear in women, not men. Because male Suijing is not subject to gender oppression, at least he is really enjoying the benefits. Male ignorance is evil, while female ignorance is stupidity.

The Suijing sect is actually a subset of high-ranking girls, especially those whose families have good material conditions, are well protected spiritually, and grew up under Western encouraging education. They are basically a typical portrait of Suijing.

But why is it that the Suijing sect is more common in Lao Zhong’s family? It stands to reason that the United States, France, and many European countries have many middle classes, and many women have grown up well-educated. Why do these women love discussing politics and fighting for power, and only middle-aged women love it? Close your ears and have some quiet time?

This is a political issue. If you talk too much about sensitive words, you won’t be able to post them on GZH. It is well known that the level of political participation in a certain country is low. Sui Jing's daughter's thoughts are no different from those of Lao Zhong's traditional mother and father, which is: I can't change it anyway. Ordinary people should eat and sleep.

As a high-level player in the class game, the Suijing faction reached perfect agreement with the feudal conservatives on this point.

But not all high-ranking girls are quiet. Although many families have sufficient material resources, their ideas are extremely traditional. Such women can also feel oppressed to a great extent in their family lives. This includes the strong control exerted by the traditional family of origin on the eldest daughter in both material and spiritual aspects, such as forcing them to go abroad/return to the country, or making demands related to property inheritance/career/marriage.

Although girls with higher status have more resources and their lives are much easier than those with lower status, all women are in a painful situation, and the big hands of culture and system will not let go of every individual. The difference is whether she wants to see her situation and whether she is sensitive. If a tall girl becomes a radical girl, she will be a very powerful feminist, but if a tall girl is not a radical girl, her class will be worthless in the eyes of feminists, because no matter how much money she makes and how much power she has, It is nothing more than contributing to the patriarchal society.

I have already written these principles in previous articles, so I won’t repeat them. I will express them in fictional novels in the future.

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I used to love making friends with this type of Suijing girls, and for international students, the Suijing group is the most common. At that time, I felt that they had never experienced trauma, so they were innocent, loving, and kind. I particularly liked the care they showed towards others. I was always touched by this kind of care. I felt it was different from the people I met in my native city. I later found out that this was because they grew up in a vacuum environment and were divorced from the universal reality of the society in which they lived. But even now it can be said that, regardless of political views, it is still very comfortable to get along with such women on a daily basis. They are never jealous and rarely feel inferior.

They lack the off-putting sophistication and sophistication and are often popular among many people. But when my thoughts became more broad, this kind of people were disenchanted in my eyes. I found that their world was too narrow and they deliberately blindfolded themselves. Such a small world was particularly easy to collapse after they graduated and entered the society, because They will make life decisions according to the crowd, and like many other girls, they will fall in love and get married according to cultural customs.

People are only interested in things that are relevant to their own interests. When we think about women's rights, we can list a series of uncomfortable events in our lives from childhood to adulthood. These events can become evidence of the ills in the culture and contribute to abstract philosophy. But Sui Jingnu could not abstract the same content.

Many Suijing sects have not experienced collective cultural trauma due to their wealthy families and relatively scarce resources. Therefore, when they hear about other people's experiences or social issues (such as women's rights, family of origin), they are completely uninterested or unable to empathize. , which is determined by their personal experience.

Once you have experienced some kind of trauma, such as the shared memory of East Asian girls, you can find correlations in the trauma of others around the world. You become interested in the self-expression of women's childhood in other countries, and you read more stories. , you will grasp the correlation behind these phenomena, and you will be more interested in the abstract principles behind individual events.

Iranian women's, Italian women's, American or French. The pain of others is also my pain, and all lives are connected.

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In the past, when I was a liberal woman, I was happy to be friends with more types of women. Especially during my master's degree, I especially enjoyed this feeling when I became a popular person among my female friends. But at that time, I was also friends with men, which resulted in many men seeing the women I knew as resources and hoping to meet women they wanted to date through me. At that time, neither I nor the women I knew were against this kind of behavior. At that time, I felt that the collision of hormones of the opposite sex in my social situation was an interesting thing, which allowed me to see the wonderful effect of social interaction. But now I just think it's boring, it doesn't deserve to be sugarcoated, and there's nothing magical about it.

Thinking about it now, the act of introducing female friends to these men is simply a betrayal of the female community. When men and women have completely different motivations for making friends and attitudes toward mate selection, women always voluntarily fall into the trap of a tiger. Regardless of whether you are aware of it or not, you will always meet a large number of men who want to date at various stages of your life. In their eyes, women’s thoughts are just a decoration of their human charm and do not matter at all. In these Vs who grew up watching AV In the dyed world, women are just objects in their eyes, accessories to success. I will not make any male friends in the future, let alone make suggestions to my friends about having sex with men.

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I occasionally think about the friend I like now, and I know that no matter whether she is a high-ranking girl or a low-ranking girl, she must have the ability and enthusiasm to think deeply, as well as the ability to understand the pain of cultural trauma.

Not only do we understand each other, we also integrate those cultural imprints into our daily lives together. We shook hands in unison. Turned into a hug in the rainstorm, turned into a whisper under the blue sky.

We will definitely continue to walk on the same land.

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