I hope we can all discover the only reason for our magical existence. "Girlfriend to Girlfriend" will be officially released on 9/1!

*The article is a bit long! Might take a while to read! There are a few things I wrote on Facebook in the past few days. I will incorporate them into the article!

Still like my mother asking me about those small handicrafts, "Who are you going to sell them to?" I always answer: "I don't know!" I still understand clearly like when I started to write and I just became an adult, "The words I write should not be sold for money." !" But since the times have given people more ways to be seen by others and opportunities to talk to others, why not continue to dream of your own dreams!

I think this is a better book than "Departure". Seoul" is a book that no one wants to buy or read! And it is extremely secretively written with content that only "girlfriends and girlfriends" (me and a) can understand, or people who have intersected with us at that moment can understand what the contents of these articles are!

*As an aside, will you make money by making your own books? Ah! "Set off. Seoul" was sold for a year before I received the first remittance from the dealer. It was not much, and I had to accumulate 1,500 yuan before I could receive the money. (It can be regarded as an account of the income of the book last year!)

Some people may ask: Then why do this thing that "no one buys" and can't make much money?

Nothing, "I just want to do this!" and "I just want to do this!" is probably what I've been like most of my life! I was lucky enough to not only practice what I wanted to do, but also support myself in these "I just want to do" things!

I never knew "Who am I going to sell this to?" I never knew "Who am I going to read" when I wrote these words, but what is certain is that in these letters, a must be my loyal readers. In eight months, before her adulthood and my thirties!

【Writing to someone so-and-so】

Writing letters should be a habit I developed after adolescence. In that age when there was no entertainment, I either read books or listened to music, or went out with friends. If I wanted to talk to someone, I had to face to face, make a phone call, or write a letter.

Most of my classmates and I don’t have the kind of relationship that can stick together for too long. This was discovered a long, long time ago: It turns out that some people need “time alone” like me. When I am different from others, it is difficult to say: Hey, I want to go home today, I don’t want to play anymore, or I can’t tell others: Hey, I don’t want to play that, I don’t want to go. Mostly as long as you say it more than twice, no one will come to play with you. The only thing is that there are some people like me: you don’t need to stick together all the time, you just need to meet and talk sometimes, and share the past when you are not together. What happened!

As a result, we have become friends/pen pals who have been writing to each other: not sticky, not necessarily invincible caring or understanding of each other's emotions, but knowing that there will always be someone who responds to you in writing, and at the same time knowing "find someone The way of speaking is just an outlet of life." The person who listens can't help him solve his emotions of nowhere to go. One day when he finally figured it out, he will sincerely thank someone who was willing to listen like this!

This habit should last until the world is captured by smart phones, at the beginning of my thirties (2009). Before that, even with the Internet, the habit of writing letters may become a little bit of using email or each other on the Internet. Small world, I write my long or short feelings in the blog (and other forms of written records), I don’t know if I’m the only one, trapped in that time and space, so nostalgic to tell different people with long words Looking at the confusion of one's own life, what truths have been realized, what gains have been made, and any people and things in life have been lost.

In the social age, many people are eager to make a conclusion about your mood, trying to change the emotional trend of anyone when they speak. This is a rare phenomenon in the world before 2009! Whether it's me and a, or the first love a before, we all have a lot of words, whispering words when we are in love, or because we started our later love through a lot of letters!

It should be that I started to use the text platform to record all my thoughts again, and slowly let the text stay on the text platform or my private social account, and let a few friends tolerate all of me who would not "open up" to complain and talk to anyone Text until I feel comfortable and at ease! (Actually, I still feel uneasy about the words I write in private. I don’t know how some friends will think about me in words!)

I don’t know at what point in time, I stopped turning on the mobile phone to send text messages, and wrote very long texts by email to a few objects who “I think they should listen to me” (it should have been in the past one or two years.) I can no longer afford to write any emotions that I want to express through words, for those who are very good friends! I turn my emotions into writing articles (those articles that are liked and clapped every time I ask people to share them) or just write with feelings like this from time to time, publicly or privately!

I am fortunate to be able to go through the era when people still communicate with long texts, handwritten, text messages, emails, blogs (all text platforms), and let people like me who rarely talk to others have emotions Export, let those emoticons, memes, short video and audio can't express the mood, there used to be so many silent and quiet companions!

Just like that year at that time, I used "Write to a" on the news station to open a text space only for a, but not only a saw it, but I also had quite silent peers among netizens of that era, or separated Network, embrace us with words!

"Girlfriend Writes to Girlfriend" not only remembers the time "written to a", but also recalls in my heart the era when words were still beautiful and we talked enthusiastically with words!

【Holding hands】

When I was young, in the era when it was not possible to come out publicly, the ambiguity in the girls' school was everywhere on the campus; the statues of the two girls in the campus legend were unblessed martyrs, and the newspaper news There were also a few times when I was shocked to see the same-sex relationship that was not allowed, and finally chose to start love in another world.

So handkerchiefs and good friends became the titles of those ambiguous relationships. But frankly speaking, looking back at the matter of "love" before being a minor, it is indeed "unclear". Even in middle age, most people don't necessarily know what "love" is? Or is it "love" or "companionship"? At least for me, who is standing on the midline between the ages of forty and fifties, "about love" is hard to say or define. It may be felt at a certain moment of love, especially in the teens and twenties , there are still so many incomprehensible things about the world, and I can slightly describe some feelings in my heart as love, and finally I really define love.

The amazing thing is that those who are ambiguous in the girls' school, at a certain stage of life, they also have contacts with the opposite sex. Handkerchiefs are just handkerchiefs. Good friends are really good friends. Talk about the word "homosexuality" a lot, and before you openly say "I have a lover of the same sex" to the outside world, you can't hold hands with classmates of the same sex on campus like teenagers. Hugging and kissing are only regarded as a kind of "minor curiosity", but the relationship between each other must be concealed more secretly, even if it is just a kind of "very special friendship with a very good friend", it must be pulled in a timely manner. Keep distance.

Or, like me, you can involuntarily let the masculine appearance without disguise become a protective color: "As long as a man and a woman hold hands on the road, it's fine, isn't it?"

Unexplained relationships, undisclosed intimacy, or even sometimes need to use infinite lies to cover up the relationship that is afraid of being exposed like doing something wrong. Even if I pretend to be a opposite sex like me, I am still afraid of the moment when I hold hands. You just met someone you just met, and you have to bounce off your lover as if nothing had happened!

The love between middle years ago has been a long time since I was an adult, and I have been "coming out of the closet" "regardless of what others think" for a long time. From time to time, when my girlfriend reaches out to hold my hand, I will habitually dodge, just like we used to Like a relationship that is not officially disclosed, as long as it is not disclosed, there is no need to admit that we are different from others; as long as it is not disclosed, when it ends, it will be regarded as just "no longer contact with a friend."

Write to a on the public platform, maybe finally someone is willing to give me an undisguised relationship, so that I can prove that love is gender-neutral! Even though he knows that he is not such a high-profile person, he still longs for a relationship that can be recognized in the sun! (is recognized, not recognized)

【Honey. child】

Looking back at these letters to A at the age of thirty-nine, I seem to have found some kind of magical power. I thought that the words I wrote to A were all words to her, but I didn’t expect to find my words at that moment. I have also healed myself; those who have been in our society and family system since childhood, it is difficult to hear a soft comfort, warm encouragement, and warm exhortations. "I wrote it to a, and also to myself who read it later.

I think it should be very difficult for any reader to read what I want to say in the article, and even A cannot 100% receive the letter I wrote to her, how hard I want to be a "good adult" , the kind of adult I want to be in my mind! And these are my expectations for myself when I read these articles when I was 39 years old, or when I was 29 years old, or I expected that there would be such an "adult" who could meet my imagination!

Fifteen years have passed since I wrote these letters. I should have grown into the adult I imagined a little bit, and given up chasing all the things I thought I could walk side by side with those I looked up to and wanted to walk with, older than me. Those adults, I finally don't want to find some kind of model of "growing up" from anyone

After turning 40, looking at the elders (or friends) around me who are the same age as me or ten to twenty years older than me, I can finally write a lot again, the kind of articles written for a, always telling her : You must have a lot of self-confidence, you must believe in yourself, you must not be afraid, you must not be anxious, you will be a very good person... I also gradually stopped using the form of "writing letters to others" to soothe my inner self The timid and easy-to-lose self!

Dear child, the child in our hearts. One day we will grow up to be adults who can accompany us by ourselves; one day we will discover the only reason for our magical existence in this world; Tolerant of those uneasiness of every age!

[Postscript] (included in the book)

I have been clamoring to make these letters written on the Internet from 2008 to 2009 into books, from paper books to e-books. I have thought about various forms, but I have never completed them.

At the end of 2018, when my life could not move forward, I suddenly opened the "love letters" I wrote to a when I turned from 29 to 30 years old, but it was more like sorting out the things that were about to enter 30. The panic of the year-old is not so much written for a, but more like a is my tree hole, listen to me talking about all the joys and sorrows in my heart and the darkness that continues to haunt me today!

In the middle of forty years old, there is no end of 2018 to be strongly impacted by these words written at the age of 29, or no longer need to rely on these words written before the establishment of the Phrases let themselves work hard to move forward in the dark, but still want to organize it into a book, as a kind of "seal" (or cross) ceremony.

When compiling the book, nearly 10,000 words of self-indulgence that were too murmured at the time were deleted, or those chapters that were "just talking to myself" instead of writing for A were removed.

Originally, I wanted to use "photographs" to separate the book cover and book chapters, but in the end I chose to draw the book cover and chapter pages by hand; originally it was only a diary-style letter for eight months, but also more than 40 letters The letters are each divided into five chapters, so that there can be a little breathing between the letters.

In 2022, I thought of a and wrote the letter "That Year" to a. It also served as an ending to this book of letters that I had always wanted to compile into a book.

I think that when this book is officially placed on the e-book platform and library bookshelf, I, who is also middle-aged, say goodbye to this eight-month relationship that I started fifteen years ago!

After entering the age of forty, some things in youth are no longer remembered because of the decline of memory, but because the days no longer need certain memories to fill them up and they lift their feet and move forward.

August of 2023 is the fifteenth year of Encounter A. I think if I don't organize these letters into a book at this moment, maybe I will never do it again.

During the eight-month relationship, I wrote more than 50,000 words of letters. It was probably at that age that I couldn’t help but want to share or accompany someone; as time went on, I also learned the ability to live with myself/be alone. ! Looking back, maybe I can say to the me at that time, a, and the current a who is ten years younger than me: Hey! There are many anxious and urgent things, which will gradually be digested with age, and gradually feel the lightness of the heart!

Goodbye, my twenty-nine-year-old who met you, my thirty-nine-year-old who met me at the twenty-nine-year-old, and the a at that time and the a in every subsequent age!

Dear a and past me, please let me say goodbye to it with the completion of such a book!

2023.08.12
Just entered the month of August, Kaohsiung

"Girlfriend to Girlfriend"／20230901
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