thirty-ninth ticket

Sep 12, 2022

As the saying goes, every ninth will fail, so every ninth birthday, we will deliberately avoid it or add one more year to make it a whole number. Nine is a turning point, whether it is for living or dying.

This is my 39-year-old suicide note. I don’t know how long it has been since I wrote my last suicide note, and I have experienced many joys, separations, pains, and emotions in the meantime. Maybe it’s because I’m about to enter middle age, so I feel more subtle. .

Although I'm about to step into the age zone that might be called a big aunt, my heart is still young. That little girl has always lived in my heart and never left, but only occasionally hides, occasionally bursts into tears, and occasionally Counting the stars in the dark, even though those are getting fewer and fewer, so I bought my thirty-ninth ticket.

"People, just come gently and walk gently

Nothing to say, do, explain

I remember reading it in a book

She was afraid that when she died, the tombstone was engraved with an old orphan for life or no one loved

But now I hope

When I die, don't have a name on my tombstone

As if I had never been here in my life"

I forgot how many years ago this was written, after so long, my firmness to this passage is still persistent

You often ask me, "Aren't you afraid of death?"

I always say with a smile: "I'm afraid, who is not afraid, but I'm afraid because we don't know how to face death, and we don't know what the world after death will be like. What can be changed by being afraid and worrying? We are one day closer to death from the day we are born."

Death is one of the things I experience most often, whether it be someone else or myself

In the dark, you can cry without hesitation

It's a happy luxury, for me

Because wearing a mask is really tiring

At first I thought it would be fine as long as I wear a mask in front of people

I didn't expect the mask to come off in the end.

No one knows how painful this is

A pot of chicken soup for the soul tells you: don't cater to others, be brave to be yourself ; don't be too kind, you need to have a bottom line ; escape emotional blackmail, say no bravely

When I read it, I really felt that the wound seemed to be healed, and the chicken soup was really nourishing

When I got home from work the next day, I realized, "Ah~~ those are chicken soup with poison ."

I decided to continue living with a mask on

I hate this, but only then can I survive

I attended my uncle's funeral this year, and everyone cried heartbreakingly

Their husbands, younger brothers, older brothers, sons, fathers, grandpas, uncles, uncles, friends left

Of course their tears fell

During the cremation they cried: "The fire is coming, run!"

After the funeral, my father asked me, "What did you see at the funeral?"

I'm sad."

I answered this because I didn't shed any tears and everyone was crying, of course that's what I was thinking

The father said, "You see that everyone's family takes care of each other, and they are all complete."

I replied nonchalantly, "Oh!"

I know the meaning of this sentence, it means: "Only you are divorced, and you still like men and women, can't it be normal?"

Writing this, it doesn't seem like a suicide note. Hahaha, back to the topic? !

Actually, I feel like my last words haven't changed much since I turned 30, except for the way of burial

I signed the consent form for organ donation . If I have anything on me that can help others, take it away!

This year, I will get a " DNR " tattoo on my chest and sign the "DNR" consent form. DNR = give up first aid , I have been very tired in this life, so let me go easily!

There is no need for a funeral after death. After cremation, half of it will be buried at sea, and half of it will be buried in trees or flowers. If you really want to mourn, you can show up during the sea burial or go to the tree and flowerbed to see it.

Choosing this method is a post I accidentally saw on IG. Originally, the sea burial was intended to be sprinkled in the sea, but now I decided to put it in a drift bottle. Because the world is very big, there are too many places I haven’t been to, so I drift with the sea, At least they can help me see the places I want to go but haven't been. I prefer flower burials to tree burials and flower burials. Plant the flowers I love and let them grow freely. The day it dies, it means I no longer miss the world