I Want to Talk to You: Lai Peixia's Six Introductory Courses on "Nonviolent Communication"

I've always known this book, but I didn't expect it to take me two years to read this book. I thought it was at most a book about how to speak politely and empathize with others, but I'm ashamed to admit that I wrong! This is by no means a chicken soup for the soul published with an artist as a selling point, but the author taught us the skills of " non-violent communication " that we have never been exposed to before from the perspective of 40 years of studying psychology . It was created by the master Marshall Luxemburg , and the author also extended the teaching based on this.

Let's start with a short interview about this book, after reading it, you will have more curiosity about this book, and you will be convinced that this book will benefit us a lot.

Communication between people has always been a difficult subject. We always make our language rude because of various emotions or the behavior of the other party, and such language usually does not achieve positive effects, but makes it easier to The other party is disgusted and resists, and this book is to teach us how to speak well. The so-called goodness is not so superficial as sweet words or politeness and humility, but through the four steps of observation, feeling, need and request .

✔ Observe :

We are often used to speaking from the subjective perspective of "I", but we are not used to expressing things in an objective way. The first step of "observation" requires practice to simply state the facts without any comments and evaluations .

This requires a lot of patience, and it takes practice to be calm . For example, when you see your other half littering socks on the ground, the objective statement is: "Socks are on the floor." And the statement with comments is: "You're throwing socks on the floor." Just look at these two You can tell which one is more pleasant and which one is more offensive. When we already have negative emotions, it is very difficult to have no comments, and it also requires good practice.

✔Feel :

It’s not easy to honestly express your feelings, because since childhood, whether at school or at home, your feelings are often ignored, and adults often scold crying children or deny their feelings, and even expressing feelings is not helpful for things. The rhetoric and problem-solving-oriented parenting also make us ignore our own feelings , as if expressing our feelings represent vulnerability, and vulnerability connects people to incompetence.

The author tells us: "A person who cannot understand his inner feelings has difficulty understanding the feelings and needs of others."

What I think is very rewarding in the book is that we often regard the judgment of others as our own feelings . Whether it is "I feel" or "I feel", it is not necessarily about feelings, but from the words that follow. discriminate.

E.g:

"I feel like you're ignoring me" (judgment)

"I feel lonely" (feeling)

Can you spot any difference?

When we judge others, it is easy to cause others to feel blamed, and naturally there will be no benign communication. However, it is easier to express when we are in a good mood. On the contrary, it is very difficult to express our negative feelings without complaining and criticizing . I think this is very important to learn from children, who always state truthfully. The joys and sorrows in their hearts do not hide their worries and vulnerabilities in the slightest. No matter what age we are in, we need to sincerely face our feelings and correctly convey them to those who care about them.

✔Requires :

The author said that many people do not know what they need. Even if they complain a lot, they cannot clarify their needs. Sometimes we even mistakenly think that our needs are A. In fact, we care more about needs B. It sounds like Kind of absurd, how could we not be able to figure out what we want?

E.g:

Girlfriends hope that their boyfriends can ask their opinions before meeting with friends, and this need seems to be "respect", but it may also be "a sense of participation" or "a sense of security", we must first listen to our hearts Voice and correctly convey your needs to the other party, so that you can proceed to the next step.

✔ Request:

This stage can be said to propose an improvement plan and ask the other party to participate together, but the book emphasizes that the request is not an order, nor is it forcing others to accept it, it must be so that the other party can understand and agree willingly. The most important thing is Accept that the other party has the right to refuse cooperation.

It may seem frustrating to be rejected at this last stage, but the author says that even if you are rejected, you need to understand why, and don't let the connection to each other break, and the request also has three very important elements: clear, Positive, concrete action.

E.g:

Can you not come home so late? (Does not meet the positive conditions, "don't" itself has negative criticism)

Could you give me a call first when you're going to be home late? (in line with clear, positive, concrete actions)

Is it not easy? Do we have to be so careful and thoughtful about speaking to those around us from now on? The author tells us that it is indeed necessary to be so troublesome and correct, and because we are not used to such expressions, we need to learn non-violent communication skills.

Let's try to chain the words together using these four steps:

Recently, you often socialize and go home after ten o'clock (observation),

I feel so lonely (feeling),

I need a little more security (need),

So can you give me a call first when you come home late? (ask)

The above are the example sentences I practiced while writing this recommendation after reading this book. You can also follow these four steps to give yourself a situational question and answer it yourself. It is actually quite interesting . Not only can you identify your own feelings and needs, but also deeply understand the feelings of others and create a good interactive relationship.

This is a book that has benefited me a lot, and it is also a good book that I strongly recommend that you read and start. It is applicable to all interpersonal relationships, and can also make families, marriages, and parent-child relationships better. It is highly recommended!

Invite everyone to practice together:

Why do you slump on the sofa when you come back from work?

Don't you see me busy cooking in the kitchen, won't I calm down the noisy child?

You can try to change the above complaint situation into a sentence containing the four steps of observation, feeling, need and request. Welcome to share with me in the comments!